I got to DC earlier today to work a tradeshow...and when I checked into my hotel I tried to remember the last time I was here. It was back in late May of 2006. I came here a month after Richie died. I remember eating dinner with Rhonda, the DOS for LAX in the resturant and it was there she told me how she had lost her fiance back when she was 21 years old.
We talked and talked about it and all the grief that hits you in waves. I was a basket case back then, waiting for the autopsy. I remember calling the Medical Examiner about a million times from the tradeshow wanting to know if there was any new information on the death certificate. I was desperate then for some money to pay bills and I was getting worried. Things were mounting up and I had to also send a copy to his credit cards and student loans because they were hounding me for a copy.
I was a mess the last time I was here.
I also remember that I asked Veronica to fly in and stay with me, she did. We ate dinner in the room and walked all over the city. We went to the WWII memorial that had just been finished. I was all over the place emotionally and when we ordered dinner I remember that back then I honestly didn't really want to eat.
It's weird to me that I was in that place. I mean, looking back its like watching a movie. I was so sad, so emotional, so confused, so angry, just grieving a lot and not really knowing what I was saying or doing. I was upsetting just about everyone in my family and had no idea how to "control" myself. I was grieving and in the worst way back then.
Now, fast forward to 2 years later. I'm here and I'm meeting a group tonight for dinner...I'm sad that I am here just because I really am tired of traveling but I know it's a part of my job so there isn't much I can do about it.
The weather here today has made me think of him a lot...its chilly, total September weather. I am remembering our wedding...maybe that is because Kaki and Rob got engaged yesterday and it made me remember us being engaged and the excitement of it all. I am kind of emotional, kind of sad, wishing that life hadn't thrown me so many curveballs.
God, I pray to you for you to continue to heal my heart. Continue to lead me to a better life. I pray that you help John and I as we move into this new phase of our relationship and as we continue to work towards a future together. I love him God and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
Richie, you are still missed...and I think of you often...I pray that you are happy in your home in heaven and continue to watch over me.
Footprints
9/9/08
8/15/08
Sadness, Anger, Lonliness, all the emotions are back
They have found another tumor in Ray, this time on his spine. Its the same type of cancer in his lungs. The news just adds to the devestating news. I keep writing that word when someone emails me and asks me how I'm doing...I keep telling them "devestated." It sounds like such a dramatic word but its the only one that seems to fit.
When Richie died I felt so alone and I feel that all over again. I know that I have so many friends and family around to help me and to let me talk to them but its such a lonely place to deal with all this. I guess becuase when someone wants to know how Ray is, they call or email me...that goes for all our collegues at IHG and the 180+ hotels we work with around the U.S. It beats me down.
I'm upset, I feel very alone and its so hard becuase again, I always have been the "strong" one, the one who can handle anything. I mean hell, I buried a husband, why can't I deal with Ray going through this?
I don't want to go through this again. I don't want Julie to be a widow. I don't want those two boys to know what its like to lose their dad. I don't want Ray to die. I want him to go back to being my over managing, crowne plaza obsessive, always on the road boss. I don't want this.
I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, I'm just pissed off at the world.
When Richie died I felt so alone and I feel that all over again. I know that I have so many friends and family around to help me and to let me talk to them but its such a lonely place to deal with all this. I guess becuase when someone wants to know how Ray is, they call or email me...that goes for all our collegues at IHG and the 180+ hotels we work with around the U.S. It beats me down.
I'm upset, I feel very alone and its so hard becuase again, I always have been the "strong" one, the one who can handle anything. I mean hell, I buried a husband, why can't I deal with Ray going through this?
I don't want to go through this again. I don't want Julie to be a widow. I don't want those two boys to know what its like to lose their dad. I don't want Ray to die. I want him to go back to being my over managing, crowne plaza obsessive, always on the road boss. I don't want this.
I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, I'm just pissed off at the world.
8/13/08
Ray
I have had a hard time coming here lately. I've been traveling a lot due to Ray being sick and I've had a few breakdowns on the road. I've started to write but then I've retreated to my Widow Website to read. I posted there once when I was in the middle of on of the breakdowns and they all reached out and hugged me from all of the world. It was amazing...and I am always in awe of the friendships I have on there.
Ray decided this weekend he is going to go through one more treatment then he is not going to go through anymore treatments. The last of that news was like a bombshell to me. I am not sure why, I think I have known all along he won't make it. When I sat with Becky that night, she and I both talked about how his chances were slim to none. I guess I just wanted a miracle. I want him to not die.
How can Richie and Ray both not be on this earth anymore? How is that possible...I keep asking that over and over in my head. Last night I tossed and turned and all I could think about was that its not fair that he is going to go through this.
On my website I have read of the suffering and how hard it is to have cancer. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to go through the pain he is going to face. I want him to have the miracle. I want him to have that last minute miracle that saves his life and he lives happily ever after.
I know I am going to be really emotional in the next few months. I have felt myself reverting back to some of my anger issues like after Richie died. I'm needy, I don't want to sleep alone and I have a short fuse. I am trying to keep it in check but its all right there beneath the surface. I'm pissed, I'm mad as hell, I'm so sad, I'm physically drained, its all just right there.
Ray needs prayers...I ask for prayers...how can I lose another person so close to me? How will I get through this? I don't know if I can handle it. I need to be strong but I'm just not sure I can do this.
Ray decided this weekend he is going to go through one more treatment then he is not going to go through anymore treatments. The last of that news was like a bombshell to me. I am not sure why, I think I have known all along he won't make it. When I sat with Becky that night, she and I both talked about how his chances were slim to none. I guess I just wanted a miracle. I want him to not die.
How can Richie and Ray both not be on this earth anymore? How is that possible...I keep asking that over and over in my head. Last night I tossed and turned and all I could think about was that its not fair that he is going to go through this.
On my website I have read of the suffering and how hard it is to have cancer. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to go through the pain he is going to face. I want him to have the miracle. I want him to have that last minute miracle that saves his life and he lives happily ever after.
I know I am going to be really emotional in the next few months. I have felt myself reverting back to some of my anger issues like after Richie died. I'm needy, I don't want to sleep alone and I have a short fuse. I am trying to keep it in check but its all right there beneath the surface. I'm pissed, I'm mad as hell, I'm so sad, I'm physically drained, its all just right there.
Ray needs prayers...I ask for prayers...how can I lose another person so close to me? How will I get through this? I don't know if I can handle it. I need to be strong but I'm just not sure I can do this.
7/9/08
Ray has cancer...
He's had it two other times before...one of those times he lost sight in one of his eyes, but he kept fighting and went into remission. Two years later, it came back. Again he fought...it was in his lymph nodes (melanoma) and it too went into remission. Now its back and its in his lungs. The outlook isn't all that great but again, I know he will fight.
Its such an emotional struggle. On one side I have to be strong and be his "arms and legs" while he goes through treament. This means I have to hit the road and go to the west coast 3 times in the next 3 weeks. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I know I have to go.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and its only Wednesday. Its hard because he is so touchy about everything. He is on medication that alters his moods but also, he is feeling as if things are being taken away from him. He feels as if we are writing him off. We aren't...but our work for the hotels can't stop.
I feel pulled in both directions. I've been told to make the "smaller" decisions without him and to not tell him because they need not be on his radar right now. The other side is that I want him to know he is needed and I need him to fight to get better so that he has something to "fight" for.
Its so damn hard and I am sick of all of this happening. Why? Why does this have to happen to someone else that I care about? Why? I can't help but be angry and upset and pissed off like I was after Richie died. It is not fair.
God, I pray that you please help me find the peace to work on both sides of this. Help me continue to find the strength do handle Ray's job and to make him proud. But God, please help me figure out how to make him realize that I respect him and that I "need" him to fight to come back and help me.
I'm so angry, I'm so pissed off, I cannot imagine both of them being gone...why? Why Richie and now why Ray, the best boss I've ever had? WHY?
Its such an emotional struggle. On one side I have to be strong and be his "arms and legs" while he goes through treament. This means I have to hit the road and go to the west coast 3 times in the next 3 weeks. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I know I have to go.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and its only Wednesday. Its hard because he is so touchy about everything. He is on medication that alters his moods but also, he is feeling as if things are being taken away from him. He feels as if we are writing him off. We aren't...but our work for the hotels can't stop.
I feel pulled in both directions. I've been told to make the "smaller" decisions without him and to not tell him because they need not be on his radar right now. The other side is that I want him to know he is needed and I need him to fight to get better so that he has something to "fight" for.
Its so damn hard and I am sick of all of this happening. Why? Why does this have to happen to someone else that I care about? Why? I can't help but be angry and upset and pissed off like I was after Richie died. It is not fair.
God, I pray that you please help me find the peace to work on both sides of this. Help me continue to find the strength do handle Ray's job and to make him proud. But God, please help me figure out how to make him realize that I respect him and that I "need" him to fight to come back and help me.
I'm so angry, I'm so pissed off, I cannot imagine both of them being gone...why? Why Richie and now why Ray, the best boss I've ever had? WHY?
5/31/08
Night to Myself
When I lived at Wood Creek it seems like the nights by myself weren't so good for me now that I look back. I used to think I loved those nights but not until tonight did I realize that I didn't. They were sad more than anything. I would have some wine, surf the internet, and just enjoy being alone. But now that I am here in my new home I realize how much I love being here and that I love this house and how it makes me feel.
I knew the moment I walked in it I loved it and I know I will never regret buying it. It may be a stretch for a bit and I may need to change my spending habits for a while but I know that in the long run this is the best thing I've done in a long time.
So...here I sit tonight. I'm watching tv, Laurie and Trey came by, we all had a cocktail and I proudly showed off my new yard to them. Its been a great night. John came by before he went out on his bachelor party and even though it doesn't seem all that important that he stopped in, the gesture is huge for me.
My life is good. It really is. I won't lie, I do have down moments and as a normal person would, I worry and stress and all of that, but honestly, my life is good again.
I go to Charleston in a few weeks, Phyllis and I will have our steaks and talk about our husbands and have that "widow moment" that we both need...the shared knowledge of just how hellish grief can be, but then we will turn our conversations to John and John. Our new loves...our new future, our lives and the happiness in them now. I love our get togethers...they remind me of how far I've come and wow, I've made it and not only am I ok, but I am in love again.
God, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for alllowing me to love again, to smile again, to live again. Life is amazing...I am so lucky to have lived this life, even with all the hardships, because you gave this life to me and for that I am truly thankful. And God, thank you for John...its hard to put that in words, but thank you for the amazing person you have given me and I just ask that you stay with us and help us as we continue to grow with each other.
I knew the moment I walked in it I loved it and I know I will never regret buying it. It may be a stretch for a bit and I may need to change my spending habits for a while but I know that in the long run this is the best thing I've done in a long time.
So...here I sit tonight. I'm watching tv, Laurie and Trey came by, we all had a cocktail and I proudly showed off my new yard to them. Its been a great night. John came by before he went out on his bachelor party and even though it doesn't seem all that important that he stopped in, the gesture is huge for me.
My life is good. It really is. I won't lie, I do have down moments and as a normal person would, I worry and stress and all of that, but honestly, my life is good again.
I go to Charleston in a few weeks, Phyllis and I will have our steaks and talk about our husbands and have that "widow moment" that we both need...the shared knowledge of just how hellish grief can be, but then we will turn our conversations to John and John. Our new loves...our new future, our lives and the happiness in them now. I love our get togethers...they remind me of how far I've come and wow, I've made it and not only am I ok, but I am in love again.
God, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for alllowing me to love again, to smile again, to live again. Life is amazing...I am so lucky to have lived this life, even with all the hardships, because you gave this life to me and for that I am truly thankful. And God, thank you for John...its hard to put that in words, but thank you for the amazing person you have given me and I just ask that you stay with us and help us as we continue to grow with each other.
5/19/08
My Best Friend
I love how he always fills the sink full of water for KC
I love how he loves "Cops" like me
I love how badly he sings to country music-yet he thinks he's not bad
I love how he piles all the pillows on my side of the bed every night (and giggles when I come in the room)
I love how he gets excited when the goldfish are out
I love how he thinks my dad has "mean" cows on the farm
I love how he concentrates when he's cutting the grass
I love how he remembers to turn on the sound machine for me at night
I love how he loves to gossip with me
I love how he makes me smile whenever I am around him
I love how he holds my hand in his sleep
I love how when we go to sleep, he always makes our feet touch
I love his eyes and the freckles under them
I love that he's in love with me...and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I love how he loves "Cops" like me
I love how badly he sings to country music-yet he thinks he's not bad
I love how he piles all the pillows on my side of the bed every night (and giggles when I come in the room)
I love how he gets excited when the goldfish are out
I love how he thinks my dad has "mean" cows on the farm
I love how he concentrates when he's cutting the grass
I love how he remembers to turn on the sound machine for me at night
I love how he loves to gossip with me
I love how he makes me smile whenever I am around him
I love how he holds my hand in his sleep
I love how when we go to sleep, he always makes our feet touch
I love his eyes and the freckles under them
I love that he's in love with me...and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
5/12/08
New Blog?
It kind of feels that way after the last week. I'm not coming here so much to write about Richie, widowhood or any of the grief I have experienced in the last 2 years. This is a different blog for me now...its so much more about my life today and tomorrow.
I'm putting my fears and insecurities aside and I'm finally burying my demons. I'm pretty glad that this day has finally come. I was told two years ago that one morning I would wake up and Richie and his death would not be the first thing on my mind and now it isn't.
When I wake up, John is always the first thing I think of and the first person I look for whether he is there or not. If I wake up in the middle of the night, he's who I wish I was with if I'm alone and he's the last thing I think of when I fall back asleep.
I know that my experience will always be with me, its a part of who I am and who John fell in love with. I'm just really grateful that God gave me this second chance at this. I want to do it right this time.
I'm really excited to know that when I got on here today, I wasn't scared to start making this about me and my life now. I wasn't even sad that my writings weren't going to be about Richie and grief so much anymore. I guess I finally feel that after last night, I need and want to let it go.
It's time to realize that yes, I was widowed but it does not define me anymore. I'm John's girlfriend and you know, there is nothing I'd rather be defined by.
I'm putting my fears and insecurities aside and I'm finally burying my demons. I'm pretty glad that this day has finally come. I was told two years ago that one morning I would wake up and Richie and his death would not be the first thing on my mind and now it isn't.
When I wake up, John is always the first thing I think of and the first person I look for whether he is there or not. If I wake up in the middle of the night, he's who I wish I was with if I'm alone and he's the last thing I think of when I fall back asleep.
I know that my experience will always be with me, its a part of who I am and who John fell in love with. I'm just really grateful that God gave me this second chance at this. I want to do it right this time.
I'm really excited to know that when I got on here today, I wasn't scared to start making this about me and my life now. I wasn't even sad that my writings weren't going to be about Richie and grief so much anymore. I guess I finally feel that after last night, I need and want to let it go.
It's time to realize that yes, I was widowed but it does not define me anymore. I'm John's girlfriend and you know, there is nothing I'd rather be defined by.
Unconditional Love
"I will love you for the rest of my days, and will love you beyond the world as we know it. Beyond forever, beyond always. Loving you is what I was put here to do."
5/10/08
Our Footprints
Have you really ever thought about your "footprints" in life? Where you have been, what you have done and what impact it made on the world around you?
The past week I've been thinking a lot about how as we get older we have to start thinking about those things. At some point, we are responsible for our actions and how the decisions we make can change the course of our lives forever. I know, deep huh?
This week I visited an old friend and one of Richie's best friends. We talked a lot about my marriage to him and the ups and downs. I regret so much...I regret that I let him continue to treat me the way he did for so long, but I am thankful that I stuck it out so that he wasn't alone and never had to wonder if he was loved. I guess what I realize is that I was the one who just never really knew if I was loved. I was the one that kind of took the brunt of all his demons and I guess that is just how God wanted it? I was the one that needed to be "that" person for Richie.
But as I have entered into the 3rd year without him I am finding a little bit of my old self coming out again which is a really good thing but I'm also finding that my insecurities and old ways of dealing with things is coming out too.
I found the paper where Cathy and I talked about what I wanted from my next relatinoship. It listed 3 things. #1- I want to never be insecure about how much my husband loves me. #2- I never want to lay awake at night wondering where he is. #3- I want in-laws that let my husband put me first and I want a husband that truly believes what is in the bible- that husband and wifew are "one" and that no one comes before your spouse.
When I read those things again now I know that I still feel the same. Those are the three things that I feel I didn't have. I just have to figure out how to be strong enough to demand them and expect them as part of my marriage and never doubt that I deserve them.
The past week I've been thinking a lot about how as we get older we have to start thinking about those things. At some point, we are responsible for our actions and how the decisions we make can change the course of our lives forever. I know, deep huh?
This week I visited an old friend and one of Richie's best friends. We talked a lot about my marriage to him and the ups and downs. I regret so much...I regret that I let him continue to treat me the way he did for so long, but I am thankful that I stuck it out so that he wasn't alone and never had to wonder if he was loved. I guess what I realize is that I was the one who just never really knew if I was loved. I was the one that kind of took the brunt of all his demons and I guess that is just how God wanted it? I was the one that needed to be "that" person for Richie.
But as I have entered into the 3rd year without him I am finding a little bit of my old self coming out again which is a really good thing but I'm also finding that my insecurities and old ways of dealing with things is coming out too.
I found the paper where Cathy and I talked about what I wanted from my next relatinoship. It listed 3 things. #1- I want to never be insecure about how much my husband loves me. #2- I never want to lay awake at night wondering where he is. #3- I want in-laws that let my husband put me first and I want a husband that truly believes what is in the bible- that husband and wifew are "one" and that no one comes before your spouse.
When I read those things again now I know that I still feel the same. Those are the three things that I feel I didn't have. I just have to figure out how to be strong enough to demand them and expect them as part of my marriage and never doubt that I deserve them.
5/6/08
I'm hurt. I don't really even know where to go with that after typing it. How do you protect yourself from getting hurt? I've always been someone to love unconditionally. If I give you my heart, its all I have to give...but when I get hurt, I'm not sure how to make it better? Especially when I have never loved someone so much.
4/28/08
Wandering Thoughts...
I'm sitting in my bed in my new home, in my new room and I have found myself lost in thought tonight.
I've thought about my friend Kate who's dad died suddenly on Sunday from a massive heart attack. I've let my mind actually think about Coastal Cup this weekend and what it meant to me in years past- worry, laughter, memories of good and bad days gone by. I've looked around this room thinking of things I want to do to it.
I head to Salt Lake next week and I will see Todd. I'm looking forward to it. He and Rad just are those two guys that I will always feel the need to stay in contact with. I know Todd's been down about his situation and I've promised for a night we are going to go out and forget it! I guess in a way I feel I have to step into Richie's shoes and be the friend that Todd needs? I know Todd would think that is just crazy thinking but in a way, I think deep down he needs the friendship too and right now, he really needs Richie. So, he gets me.
Kristen at work is pregnant. I've tried to be as happy as I can for her and I really am, but its hard. She and I talked so many times about getting pregnant at the same time so we could be out of work at the same time. So. Sad thoughts there.
John's at the Hawks game. Jill's babysitting. Its just me and KC here tonight.
Those are my thoughts tonight. I'm letting my mind wander a lot. Kate's dad's death has hit me strangely. I think its because it seems close to home and she really is a good friend. I remember her telling me she had no idea what to say to me those days after Richie died but she was there for me in any way. I guess I just want to be able to make her feel like I am there too for her this time.
Richie, I hope you are doing good up there...teeing off with one of those long drives on a crystal clear morning. I'm sure the courses up in heaven are amazing and I know this weekend you'll be right there with those boys in Destin. Keep them safe Richie.
I've thought about my friend Kate who's dad died suddenly on Sunday from a massive heart attack. I've let my mind actually think about Coastal Cup this weekend and what it meant to me in years past- worry, laughter, memories of good and bad days gone by. I've looked around this room thinking of things I want to do to it.
I head to Salt Lake next week and I will see Todd. I'm looking forward to it. He and Rad just are those two guys that I will always feel the need to stay in contact with. I know Todd's been down about his situation and I've promised for a night we are going to go out and forget it! I guess in a way I feel I have to step into Richie's shoes and be the friend that Todd needs? I know Todd would think that is just crazy thinking but in a way, I think deep down he needs the friendship too and right now, he really needs Richie. So, he gets me.
Kristen at work is pregnant. I've tried to be as happy as I can for her and I really am, but its hard. She and I talked so many times about getting pregnant at the same time so we could be out of work at the same time. So. Sad thoughts there.
John's at the Hawks game. Jill's babysitting. Its just me and KC here tonight.
Those are my thoughts tonight. I'm letting my mind wander a lot. Kate's dad's death has hit me strangely. I think its because it seems close to home and she really is a good friend. I remember her telling me she had no idea what to say to me those days after Richie died but she was there for me in any way. I guess I just want to be able to make her feel like I am there too for her this time.
Richie, I hope you are doing good up there...teeing off with one of those long drives on a crystal clear morning. I'm sure the courses up in heaven are amazing and I know this weekend you'll be right there with those boys in Destin. Keep them safe Richie.
4/21/08
Two Years Tomorrow
I think its normal to think that April 18th will always be the hardest day for me...but to be honest, this year April 22nd seems to be the one I am haunted by. That is the day we buried you. I remember sitting there next to dad and Sam was being held by Michelle in the back under the tent. Sam was crying because everyone was crying and he was confused. He wanted out of her arms and he came and sat in my lap. Right in front of everyone, he came to sit with me and hold me as I cried.
I was holding your watch...your hat...and I kept looking past the casket to the cemetary behind you. It was hot, the preacher was not saying things that you would have liked...he offended some friends and I know you would have been upset by that. It was awful. I was burying you somewhere I didn't want you to be. In a hot cemetary with no trees for you to lay under. I wanted to bury you in Tennesse but I knew that that would not have gone over very well. I knew that in the end you would want your mom, dad and Kim to be able to visit you. So that is why I chose that. I did it for you because I know you would have wanted me to let you go.
Richie, I just wish it had all been easier for you and me and all of this. I wish that you could meet John...how weird is that? But I do, I wish you could see how nice he is to me and how much I have fallen in love with him. When I'm with him, there is no where else I would rather be. I just wish you could have met him. Although, I laugh a bit as I type that because you would have corrupted him and had him out partying with you!! So maybe it wouldn't have been such a good idea...
I bought a house today...the one I fell in love with from day 1. I move into it Wednesday and I am pretty excited about it. I walked in today and it was kind of liberating. Can't explain it...just felt good. Its mine and I'm proud that I made it.
Two years Richie...two years...a lifetime but not quite.
I was holding your watch...your hat...and I kept looking past the casket to the cemetary behind you. It was hot, the preacher was not saying things that you would have liked...he offended some friends and I know you would have been upset by that. It was awful. I was burying you somewhere I didn't want you to be. In a hot cemetary with no trees for you to lay under. I wanted to bury you in Tennesse but I knew that that would not have gone over very well. I knew that in the end you would want your mom, dad and Kim to be able to visit you. So that is why I chose that. I did it for you because I know you would have wanted me to let you go.
Richie, I just wish it had all been easier for you and me and all of this. I wish that you could meet John...how weird is that? But I do, I wish you could see how nice he is to me and how much I have fallen in love with him. When I'm with him, there is no where else I would rather be. I just wish you could have met him. Although, I laugh a bit as I type that because you would have corrupted him and had him out partying with you!! So maybe it wouldn't have been such a good idea...
I bought a house today...the one I fell in love with from day 1. I move into it Wednesday and I am pretty excited about it. I walked in today and it was kind of liberating. Can't explain it...just felt good. Its mine and I'm proud that I made it.
Two years Richie...two years...a lifetime but not quite.
4/12/08
Happy Birthday
Today you would have been 36 years old. There isn't much more I want to say I guess except that today I promise to drink a beer for you and remember all those fun times you had. Jill and I laughed the other night at some of the stories...she remembered some that I had forgotton...it was good to hear them. Made me smile as usual...you always were one to give us all a smile with your stories.
I wish you a very happy birthday up in heaven. I have a feeling you woke up and went turkey hunting with grandpa and about now you are walking around some field and enjoying the silence of the day. I can see the peacefulness on your face in my mind...I know you are happy there and are at peace.
Enjoy today Richie and down here, we'll enjoy it with you.
Love,
stacie
I wish you a very happy birthday up in heaven. I have a feeling you woke up and went turkey hunting with grandpa and about now you are walking around some field and enjoying the silence of the day. I can see the peacefulness on your face in my mind...I know you are happy there and are at peace.
Enjoy today Richie and down here, we'll enjoy it with you.
Love,
stacie
4/8/08
I remember...
My emotions are all over the place. It's April again. It's the month of his birthday and the anniversary of his death. I'm beginning to get the calls and emails. I am remembering that I wasn't the only one who lost Richie and that the pain is still there for others. Sometimes its hard to remember that because I feel the pain all belongs to me. Not in a selfish way, but that I carry the burden to be "sad" on the appropriate days and I have to be the one to continually carry on his memory so no one forgets. But when I get the calls and emails I feel everyone's pain and heartbreak again.
I remember the phone calls to certain people telling them. I remember Jarrett and Michelle walking up the driveway...I remember my parents finding me hiding behind a curtain at the hospital because in my state of shock I wanted to not be found...because if I wasn't found what was happening to me that night wasn't real...I remember Rad and what he sounded like when he saw me in the hospital...I just remember all the pain in everyone's faces as we all tried to cope with what had happened. Our friend had died and it was too sudden to understand and grasp what was going to happen from that moment on.
I'm sad...he would have been 36 years old on Saturday but he will forever be 34 and smiling. He will forever be young to all of us.
Richie, you are in my thoughts these days. I know that you are happy up there and you are smiling down on me. I know that I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you watching over me. I remember you Richie and I promise to never forget you.
I remember the phone calls to certain people telling them. I remember Jarrett and Michelle walking up the driveway...I remember my parents finding me hiding behind a curtain at the hospital because in my state of shock I wanted to not be found...because if I wasn't found what was happening to me that night wasn't real...I remember Rad and what he sounded like when he saw me in the hospital...I just remember all the pain in everyone's faces as we all tried to cope with what had happened. Our friend had died and it was too sudden to understand and grasp what was going to happen from that moment on.
I'm sad...he would have been 36 years old on Saturday but he will forever be 34 and smiling. He will forever be young to all of us.
Richie, you are in my thoughts these days. I know that you are happy up there and you are smiling down on me. I know that I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you watching over me. I remember you Richie and I promise to never forget you.
3/3/08
Closing of one chapter, Opening of another...
Well, I am completely out of Wood Creek drive. After spending a little under $1500, I'm pretty much done- broke but done. Nothing much left there but a small pile of trash that should be picked up today by one of those junk removal places and the POD that will be taken away tomorrow. Then all that is left is the last few items that are going to my grandmother's to store until I find a home.
It was strange the last few weeks, packing up memories, my past, Richie's past...just strange. I went through boxes of Georgia Tech books. And when I say boxes, I'm talking I have up to 30 books stacked at the bottom of my stairs that are going with the junk company. I have binders full of hand written notes about all types of engineering subjects. It truly looked like a foreign language to me as I leafed through them. But, I am letting them go...he never was able to but me, well, I don't believe in clutter and even though these were a part of him, it is time for them to be thrown out and for me to have room in my life for my own clutter.
I had no idea we had collected so much junk. I laughed, I cried, I was angry...all as I sorted, packed and taped up the boxes. But it is done now and I feel as if a weight is off my shoulders.
John and I packed KC up last night and took her down to Jill's. So far she seems ok. Jill said she came out and sniffed around. Seems ok with Cajun (Jill's lab) and I think she's going to like her new home. Lots of windows for her to look out and see the birds! She is going to enjoy that.
So...it is now time to seriously begin looking for a house. I will be putting an offer on the one I love in Stonybrook if there is no contract by Friday (after I close). The only bad part is that supposedly they have an offer out there but nothing has been accepted? So...we'll see. I love the house and see so much potential there. I just have to get it for the right price.
Chapter two for me is really here and I am in the midst of it really. I have someone in my life that has become my best friend, who makes me laugh (a lot!) and who has been with me as I take this step. Its been a roller coaster of a journey but you know, I look back and in the last two years I think I have actually "found myself" more than I could have ever hoped.
God, how can I thank you for all the positive things in my life? Just under two years ago I felt as if my life were over but here we are, many days later and each morning more often than not, I wake up smiling and just grateful to be here and to be alive and to be living. Thank you...
It was strange the last few weeks, packing up memories, my past, Richie's past...just strange. I went through boxes of Georgia Tech books. And when I say boxes, I'm talking I have up to 30 books stacked at the bottom of my stairs that are going with the junk company. I have binders full of hand written notes about all types of engineering subjects. It truly looked like a foreign language to me as I leafed through them. But, I am letting them go...he never was able to but me, well, I don't believe in clutter and even though these were a part of him, it is time for them to be thrown out and for me to have room in my life for my own clutter.
I had no idea we had collected so much junk. I laughed, I cried, I was angry...all as I sorted, packed and taped up the boxes. But it is done now and I feel as if a weight is off my shoulders.
John and I packed KC up last night and took her down to Jill's. So far she seems ok. Jill said she came out and sniffed around. Seems ok with Cajun (Jill's lab) and I think she's going to like her new home. Lots of windows for her to look out and see the birds! She is going to enjoy that.
So...it is now time to seriously begin looking for a house. I will be putting an offer on the one I love in Stonybrook if there is no contract by Friday (after I close). The only bad part is that supposedly they have an offer out there but nothing has been accepted? So...we'll see. I love the house and see so much potential there. I just have to get it for the right price.
Chapter two for me is really here and I am in the midst of it really. I have someone in my life that has become my best friend, who makes me laugh (a lot!) and who has been with me as I take this step. Its been a roller coaster of a journey but you know, I look back and in the last two years I think I have actually "found myself" more than I could have ever hoped.
God, how can I thank you for all the positive things in my life? Just under two years ago I felt as if my life were over but here we are, many days later and each morning more often than not, I wake up smiling and just grateful to be here and to be alive and to be living. Thank you...
2/19/08
I'm not the same little girl
The night you got the phone call, the one where I was calling you screaming and telling you that something was very wrong...that was the night I was no longer that little girl. I was no longer the little girl you knew me to be. Even though I had gotten married and had begun another chapter in my life, I know you have always thought of me as your little girl. But that night and that phone call changed everything. I don't know if in your mind you have tried to ignore that night or in some ways have tried to forget the past 2 years, but for me, I can never go back to being that daughter of your's. It hurt me too, but I had to let go of my past and who I was before then.
That night, I became older than you in many ways. I have had to face things that you will never comprehend. I am not talking about the financial changes or the emotional decisions I had to begin to face and make on my own. I am talking more about the gut wrenching nightmares, the many nights that I just couldn't find sleep, so I would find myself sitting outside staring up at the night sky wishing that I would die. I hated what was happening to our family, the pain that I saw in your faces whenever you were around me. I faced the emotional stress of what I saw that night, what I touched, what I had to see in that ER room. What I tried to say goodbye to, but instead I found myself yelling and screaming as he laid on that table. The goodbye came only months later in a quiet moment in my backyard. I had to become an adult in a very fast way and as much as you think you do, you will never understand what I've been through fully.
So when you question me and my decisions I don't think you truly understand the woman you are questioning. Your questions are for someone else, someone that is naive and doesn't know what the "real" world is like...not someone who has buried a husband, a dream, a future and had to become someone other than herself in a short period of time.
I may not be making the decisions you would be making, but I am making MY decisions and to me, they are the best ones possible. They are true to who I am and they give me confidence. I don't go into something without thinking it through and I think if you stopped for a moment you would agree that in the past 2 years I've made some really good choices about my life. I've done nothing that I have regretted.
Your questions and your disappointment will not break me, they will thankfully, only make me stronger. The questions have become more of annoyances to me than anything...and as I have learned the hard way, I don't crack under pressure. In fact, I seem to prosper under pressure and in a bittersweet way I am so proud of this new trait within me. You see, I have inside of me the ability to survive. I know I inheirited this trait from you, because you have perservered yourself through some truly tough times. I think that maybe that is why you push me so hard to do what you think is best...because you think since you have survived by the choices you made, then those choices are what is best for me too.
But what you don't understand is that I am surviving and doing a damn good job of it. I have my morals, I have my health and I have the knowledge within me that I have done the best that I can do. My choices have been good ones and none of them have disappointed me. I have followed by gut and my heart and the mixture of the two have only lead me to the right thing.
I just ask that instead of questions, instead of the disappointing tone in your voice, you offer me encouragement, pride and instead of using your words to try to knock me down you use your words to build me up. I know you brag to your friends about me, but you see, that knowledge is only 2nd hand and sometimes, I need to hear it from you. Please, support ME, support the new person that I am and realize I will never be who I was before that night again and its ok. I will still be ok.
I love you.
That night, I became older than you in many ways. I have had to face things that you will never comprehend. I am not talking about the financial changes or the emotional decisions I had to begin to face and make on my own. I am talking more about the gut wrenching nightmares, the many nights that I just couldn't find sleep, so I would find myself sitting outside staring up at the night sky wishing that I would die. I hated what was happening to our family, the pain that I saw in your faces whenever you were around me. I faced the emotional stress of what I saw that night, what I touched, what I had to see in that ER room. What I tried to say goodbye to, but instead I found myself yelling and screaming as he laid on that table. The goodbye came only months later in a quiet moment in my backyard. I had to become an adult in a very fast way and as much as you think you do, you will never understand what I've been through fully.
So when you question me and my decisions I don't think you truly understand the woman you are questioning. Your questions are for someone else, someone that is naive and doesn't know what the "real" world is like...not someone who has buried a husband, a dream, a future and had to become someone other than herself in a short period of time.
I may not be making the decisions you would be making, but I am making MY decisions and to me, they are the best ones possible. They are true to who I am and they give me confidence. I don't go into something without thinking it through and I think if you stopped for a moment you would agree that in the past 2 years I've made some really good choices about my life. I've done nothing that I have regretted.
Your questions and your disappointment will not break me, they will thankfully, only make me stronger. The questions have become more of annoyances to me than anything...and as I have learned the hard way, I don't crack under pressure. In fact, I seem to prosper under pressure and in a bittersweet way I am so proud of this new trait within me. You see, I have inside of me the ability to survive. I know I inheirited this trait from you, because you have perservered yourself through some truly tough times. I think that maybe that is why you push me so hard to do what you think is best...because you think since you have survived by the choices you made, then those choices are what is best for me too.
But what you don't understand is that I am surviving and doing a damn good job of it. I have my morals, I have my health and I have the knowledge within me that I have done the best that I can do. My choices have been good ones and none of them have disappointed me. I have followed by gut and my heart and the mixture of the two have only lead me to the right thing.
I just ask that instead of questions, instead of the disappointing tone in your voice, you offer me encouragement, pride and instead of using your words to try to knock me down you use your words to build me up. I know you brag to your friends about me, but you see, that knowledge is only 2nd hand and sometimes, I need to hear it from you. Please, support ME, support the new person that I am and realize I will never be who I was before that night again and its ok. I will still be ok.
I love you.
2/14/08
February 14, 2008
I have been coming to my blog for the past few days wanting to post but not really sure what to write. My head is all jumbled up and I am all over the board with emotions these days.
Update: I have a contract on my house and barring any major issues it should close on March 7th. However, right now there is a slight issue..hail damage on the roof, but I can't go into that now without having a total breakdown. With the signing of the contract came a tidal wave of emotions. I was so happy that I finally got an offer and a decent one at that. It is one that will help put me into my next house and isn't that enough to ask for in this market? It will help me close this chapter down and begin a new one. It won't make me rich by any means and it doesn't necessarily change my financial situation as it is now, but I will be closer to friends and family and isn't that something to be gratefula about?
But then there is the sadness. I have begun to look through drawers and have begun boxing things up. That is where the tough part has come in. What to keep, what to give away, what to send to his parents. I have to give it to John, his voice of reason when it comes to Richie's family has been a blessing. He's right, despite my bitterness of feeling that I have been left in the dust to fend for myself this past two years, there are things that they are meant to have. I am not quite sure what I am ready to part with, even here at 2 years out, but I know there are things that I will send down to them. Things that Richie would want me to let them have again. My anger at them has returned because I feel as if I am paying so much to get out of this house and it is taking the safety of what I do have down to a level that I am uncomfortable with. I guess it just goes back to the fact that insurance money is to help those left behind...the spouse, the kids, not the parents you know? But I will deal with this anger and hope it goes away too...I can only pray for that.
So...with that I go to pack some more and ponder all these emotions. I guess the waves of grief still reach out, even 2 years later. I wish so hard for the day when Richie's death doesn't touch my life in such a forceful way. I wish for some peace.
Update: I have a contract on my house and barring any major issues it should close on March 7th. However, right now there is a slight issue..hail damage on the roof, but I can't go into that now without having a total breakdown. With the signing of the contract came a tidal wave of emotions. I was so happy that I finally got an offer and a decent one at that. It is one that will help put me into my next house and isn't that enough to ask for in this market? It will help me close this chapter down and begin a new one. It won't make me rich by any means and it doesn't necessarily change my financial situation as it is now, but I will be closer to friends and family and isn't that something to be gratefula about?
But then there is the sadness. I have begun to look through drawers and have begun boxing things up. That is where the tough part has come in. What to keep, what to give away, what to send to his parents. I have to give it to John, his voice of reason when it comes to Richie's family has been a blessing. He's right, despite my bitterness of feeling that I have been left in the dust to fend for myself this past two years, there are things that they are meant to have. I am not quite sure what I am ready to part with, even here at 2 years out, but I know there are things that I will send down to them. Things that Richie would want me to let them have again. My anger at them has returned because I feel as if I am paying so much to get out of this house and it is taking the safety of what I do have down to a level that I am uncomfortable with. I guess it just goes back to the fact that insurance money is to help those left behind...the spouse, the kids, not the parents you know? But I will deal with this anger and hope it goes away too...I can only pray for that.
So...with that I go to pack some more and ponder all these emotions. I guess the waves of grief still reach out, even 2 years later. I wish so hard for the day when Richie's death doesn't touch my life in such a forceful way. I wish for some peace.
2/2/08
Who do you call first?
Damn flu. I've been sick the last few days and today I just pretty much laid around all day watching tv and moving between my couch and the bed. I was sitting her thinking, wow, I did that a lot those first few months. I remember laying on the couch and feeling restless so I went to the bed.
I remember thinking back then how I would have to get used to being alone again and as my counselor was telling me...how to be ok alone. I haven't really had to spend much time alone since I met John. We always manage to see each other a lot during the week, but this week we had conflicting schedules and then I don't blame him for wanting to not be around me since I have the flu.
But I realized today how much I miss him when he's not here. I mean, I know I can say that to him or bug the crap out of him by texting it to him (which I think I have done a few times this week) but underneath all the joking, I mean it.
He has become this part of my life that I don't want to be without. The other day something happened (can't remember what now) but I picked up the phone and called to tell him. He has become that...the person you want to call first.
I'm not sure when my mind shifted into that...I have tried to be somewhat protective of beginning to depend on him. I have done that for a lot of reasons. The first being that I don't want to lose him and have to be hurt more than I can handle. The second is that I don't want to pressure him and suffocate him.
But he is now that person to me...that person that you reach for the phone to call first when something, anything important happens to you. It can be the smallest of things and it can be the biggest but no matter what, that person is who you go to call first.
Who do you think to call first? Who is that person that is so important to you that you call them first to tell them? We all need someone like that. Whether its a friend, a parent of a significant other.
Before John, before Richie, it was my dad. I would always call him first. You know, sometimes I called him before Richie...and I hate to admit it, but its because most of the time I knew that if I called Richie he would probably sound as if I am bothering him. He would sound as if he cared but most of the time I knew he was just exasperated that I called and interrupted him in whatever he was doing. So, I called Dad. Dads always listen and no matter what, you are never interrupting them and they always want to hear and know how you are doing.
I'm pretty lucky, I have a dad that always wants to hear from me. My sister's and I may joke around and complain that he bugs us, but honestly, if he were gone, our world would be way too quiet.
So...John has become that person but dad is still there...he's the second one I will call...but it sure is nice to realize that not only is it John, but I'm really glad it is. I am not as scared as I once was to fall in love again and to take that risk. I am finally finding that my life isn't so bad and although I've had a hard couple of years, my life is certainly far from over.
God, thank you for all you have given me, for the protection these last few years...it is hard to believe it is almost 2 years since he died but I am so grateful that you helped me fight and find this place in my life. I feel very lucky.
I remember thinking back then how I would have to get used to being alone again and as my counselor was telling me...how to be ok alone. I haven't really had to spend much time alone since I met John. We always manage to see each other a lot during the week, but this week we had conflicting schedules and then I don't blame him for wanting to not be around me since I have the flu.
But I realized today how much I miss him when he's not here. I mean, I know I can say that to him or bug the crap out of him by texting it to him (which I think I have done a few times this week) but underneath all the joking, I mean it.
He has become this part of my life that I don't want to be without. The other day something happened (can't remember what now) but I picked up the phone and called to tell him. He has become that...the person you want to call first.
I'm not sure when my mind shifted into that...I have tried to be somewhat protective of beginning to depend on him. I have done that for a lot of reasons. The first being that I don't want to lose him and have to be hurt more than I can handle. The second is that I don't want to pressure him and suffocate him.
But he is now that person to me...that person that you reach for the phone to call first when something, anything important happens to you. It can be the smallest of things and it can be the biggest but no matter what, that person is who you go to call first.
Who do you think to call first? Who is that person that is so important to you that you call them first to tell them? We all need someone like that. Whether its a friend, a parent of a significant other.
Before John, before Richie, it was my dad. I would always call him first. You know, sometimes I called him before Richie...and I hate to admit it, but its because most of the time I knew that if I called Richie he would probably sound as if I am bothering him. He would sound as if he cared but most of the time I knew he was just exasperated that I called and interrupted him in whatever he was doing. So, I called Dad. Dads always listen and no matter what, you are never interrupting them and they always want to hear and know how you are doing.
I'm pretty lucky, I have a dad that always wants to hear from me. My sister's and I may joke around and complain that he bugs us, but honestly, if he were gone, our world would be way too quiet.
So...John has become that person but dad is still there...he's the second one I will call...but it sure is nice to realize that not only is it John, but I'm really glad it is. I am not as scared as I once was to fall in love again and to take that risk. I am finally finding that my life isn't so bad and although I've had a hard couple of years, my life is certainly far from over.
God, thank you for all you have given me, for the protection these last few years...it is hard to believe it is almost 2 years since he died but I am so grateful that you helped me fight and find this place in my life. I feel very lucky.
1/28/08
Confused about where I belong?
I've written about this a few times before but this weekend I tried to explain it to John. I'm not sure I did such a good job because its so hard to put into words how I feel about my life these days.
One day I am out partying with my single girlfriends the next I am at a table with all my friends who either have kids or are in the process of trying. And where does that leave me? I mean, I am dating someone and I am happier than I've ever been but I am not in either world really. I like to go out but I also have now found a peace in staying home. I know how fun marriage can be if you are with the right person. I know that going out is not a priority because having a home and other goals in life are so much more important than a bar bill that the next day you regret as you fight a horrible hang over.
It just hard to balance it out. I mean, I don't want to stay home every night but I'm not out "looking" either for a husband. I never was even when I was dating. I was just dating...not trying to prove anything or push myself. I just happend to stumble onto John and found what I was looking for.
I am not up for partying all night when I go out...by 1pm I am tired and want to go home. But when I sometimes talk to my married friends I get that "look" or "tone of voice" that is kind of making me feeling ashamed that I go out? But I am not in their world anymore and I can't expect John to spend every single night with me. That's not fair. He's on his own life schedule and has things that he needs to be doing at his age since he is not yet married and is still single. And what am I to do...stay home every night that he's out?
I guess I just feel confused. I am not sure where to fit in or where to go from here. I get anxious and then I calm down...then I get anxious again and have to calm down again. Its a cycle and its hard to keep it contained at times.
I guess I just am ready for something really good to happen to me. I know I posted that a while ago too. I mean, I am thankful every day for what God has given me and all the wonderful people and things I have in my life...I am just tired of being me. It wears me out.
One day I am out partying with my single girlfriends the next I am at a table with all my friends who either have kids or are in the process of trying. And where does that leave me? I mean, I am dating someone and I am happier than I've ever been but I am not in either world really. I like to go out but I also have now found a peace in staying home. I know how fun marriage can be if you are with the right person. I know that going out is not a priority because having a home and other goals in life are so much more important than a bar bill that the next day you regret as you fight a horrible hang over.
It just hard to balance it out. I mean, I don't want to stay home every night but I'm not out "looking" either for a husband. I never was even when I was dating. I was just dating...not trying to prove anything or push myself. I just happend to stumble onto John and found what I was looking for.
I am not up for partying all night when I go out...by 1pm I am tired and want to go home. But when I sometimes talk to my married friends I get that "look" or "tone of voice" that is kind of making me feeling ashamed that I go out? But I am not in their world anymore and I can't expect John to spend every single night with me. That's not fair. He's on his own life schedule and has things that he needs to be doing at his age since he is not yet married and is still single. And what am I to do...stay home every night that he's out?
I guess I just feel confused. I am not sure where to fit in or where to go from here. I get anxious and then I calm down...then I get anxious again and have to calm down again. Its a cycle and its hard to keep it contained at times.
I guess I just am ready for something really good to happen to me. I know I posted that a while ago too. I mean, I am thankful every day for what God has given me and all the wonderful people and things I have in my life...I am just tired of being me. It wears me out.
1/16/08
Comfort of the road...
I often complain about traveling but this week when I took off for Salt Lake I was actually looking forward to being with my close friends in SLC and the hotels that have become so important to me over the years. This trip always seems to calm me...maybe its because of being so close to the mountains and nature, maybe its because I get to go skiing and for me, that is just the nicest sport I do. It is so nice to be out there in the quiet skiing and being outdoors. I love it. It was the thing I did that month after Richie died. I went with some friends to Snowbird and I skiied and for a few hours forgot about the pain and just let myself be alone with all the grief.
The past few weeks have been stressful. Trying to take care of the house and all the things that need to be fixed or "updated" to sell it have just gotten to me. I wasn't expecting to have to drop $4000 on these items. Thank goodness my bonus comes in March so I can just use that money but I was planning to put most of that away. I keep thinking that there are so many things I need to save for in the future- a wedding, because I can't expect mom and dad to pay again? Things for my new home- I'm sure things are going to come up with that if/when I move, and a car, because 130K is what is reading on my dash these days. Don't know if my car is going to continue to make it. I know it is always something for everyone and I know I am lucky to have a nest egg, but it just really sometimes scares me that one day all that money will disappear and I will wonder what I did with it all.
I hate thinking of the insurance money as a way to take care of these things. I guess I just always have felt that one day I would "know" what that should be used for. It doesn't seem right to use it for wedding or a new house? I don't know, its just confusing...as everything seems to be when dealing with the things related to Richie's death. So many choices and so many worries that I am not making the right ones?
So...for now I am glad to be here in SLC. John is here with me, he got in late last night, and I am sure right about now he's heading down a mountain with big grin on his face. I'm so lucky he is here with me. Every day I still look at him in wonder, how did we find each other? I know that God has a plan and I know that John is my future, I guess it is just hard sometimes to realize that this time, God made it easy for me...he gave me someone who really does love me and it doesn't have to be so much work. I just want to try hard not to push me or him...and that is kind of hard to balance. I try so hard to "rush" my future. I guess because when I am with John, there really is no other place I want to be.
Richie, I really do hope you are proud of me and the decisions I am making. I try to stay calm and think them through like I know you would want. I don't want to disappoint you and I want you to one day be able to tell me how proud you were of how I managed during all this time.
The past few weeks have been stressful. Trying to take care of the house and all the things that need to be fixed or "updated" to sell it have just gotten to me. I wasn't expecting to have to drop $4000 on these items. Thank goodness my bonus comes in March so I can just use that money but I was planning to put most of that away. I keep thinking that there are so many things I need to save for in the future- a wedding, because I can't expect mom and dad to pay again? Things for my new home- I'm sure things are going to come up with that if/when I move, and a car, because 130K is what is reading on my dash these days. Don't know if my car is going to continue to make it. I know it is always something for everyone and I know I am lucky to have a nest egg, but it just really sometimes scares me that one day all that money will disappear and I will wonder what I did with it all.
I hate thinking of the insurance money as a way to take care of these things. I guess I just always have felt that one day I would "know" what that should be used for. It doesn't seem right to use it for wedding or a new house? I don't know, its just confusing...as everything seems to be when dealing with the things related to Richie's death. So many choices and so many worries that I am not making the right ones?
So...for now I am glad to be here in SLC. John is here with me, he got in late last night, and I am sure right about now he's heading down a mountain with big grin on his face. I'm so lucky he is here with me. Every day I still look at him in wonder, how did we find each other? I know that God has a plan and I know that John is my future, I guess it is just hard sometimes to realize that this time, God made it easy for me...he gave me someone who really does love me and it doesn't have to be so much work. I just want to try hard not to push me or him...and that is kind of hard to balance. I try so hard to "rush" my future. I guess because when I am with John, there really is no other place I want to be.
Richie, I really do hope you are proud of me and the decisions I am making. I try to stay calm and think them through like I know you would want. I don't want to disappoint you and I want you to one day be able to tell me how proud you were of how I managed during all this time.
1/7/08
Anger Wave Again? Why Now?
I've been angry a lot over the past few weeks. I've done some things out of character that I am not very proud of. I wasn't really sure why but then last night it hit me...I am just angry I have to start all over.
I know I have met someone and I am beginning to plan a future with him, but it is so frustrating. I try not to put too much pressure on him but I find that sometimes I need answers- even before he is ready to give them. I don't want to push- that is an old habit I had and I do not wish to gain it back- but my "fear" from Richie's death seems to make me question so much.
I worry about what my future is going to be like, when will I get married again, when will I have kids, when- damn it- will I get a chance to "catch up" with everyone?!?! I am so pissed about it. Why the hell did I have to be the one to start over? Richie is the one who caused so much trouble in my life. He caused me to worry, to not sleep, to be scared for him and what he was doing. Why do I still have to be angry, worried and scared?!?!
It is SO not fair. I hate being mad again and I know that I am lucky to have the life I have and to have John in my life...I am just ready for the "rest of my life" to begin. I guess its true...when you are ready to move on past the grief it can't come soon enough.
Ugh.
I know I have met someone and I am beginning to plan a future with him, but it is so frustrating. I try not to put too much pressure on him but I find that sometimes I need answers- even before he is ready to give them. I don't want to push- that is an old habit I had and I do not wish to gain it back- but my "fear" from Richie's death seems to make me question so much.
I worry about what my future is going to be like, when will I get married again, when will I have kids, when- damn it- will I get a chance to "catch up" with everyone?!?! I am so pissed about it. Why the hell did I have to be the one to start over? Richie is the one who caused so much trouble in my life. He caused me to worry, to not sleep, to be scared for him and what he was doing. Why do I still have to be angry, worried and scared?!?!
It is SO not fair. I hate being mad again and I know that I am lucky to have the life I have and to have John in my life...I am just ready for the "rest of my life" to begin. I guess its true...when you are ready to move on past the grief it can't come soon enough.
Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)