Footprints

Footprints

6/25/07

House For Sale

I did what everyone said, I waited a year. Even when I had some tell me they had no idea how I stayed in the house. The simpliest explanation is that I stayed because I was safe there. I could come home and feel Richie there. I could talk to him, cry over him, be angry at him, and just be in our home...close to him.

But now I have to move on. I have to get out for me. It is too hard being there now. It has become a burden to live there, to come home to it, to remember it all.

So this week I begin looking for the next step in my life, the next Chapter...or well, the new phase of Chapter 2?

Wish me luck...I'm scared to say goodbye to my home but I know I have to let it go, I have to let Richie and I and our time there go.

6/24/07

33...Older and Wiser?

I am not sure what I am today...older and wiser or what? I'm sad. I spent the day at the pool yesterday with the girls then we all got dressed up and went out. We had a great time, I laughed, I danced but then it hit me...he's gone, I'm still here and even when I am surrounded by people I am lonely.

I hate that feeling and the sad thing is that I am getting used to how it feels. All I want to do today is stay in bed. I don't really want to even think that today is my birthday. It's just another year away from when Richie was alive. It is another stepping stone away from that life and the fact that I seemed to have a pretty good future.

I told someone this morning...I am sad that I don't even like any guys in my life. I have been dating a bit, nothing serious, nothing amazing or whatever, but the sad reality is there is no one I think about all the time or want to see more often that not. No one out there is what I want. I want my old life back...even with all the bad parts, I want it back. I want time with Richie to work out our differences. I want time with him to learn to love each other the way only a husband and wife can do over years of being married. I want to watch him grow old and still be in love with him as each hair turns gray and each wrinkle appears.

I guess what it boils down to is that I want to KNOW someone like that again but how do you do that? I have no clue. I'm trying, I go out, I meet guys, I have tried to become a better person out of all of this but HOW do you really get to that point again? How do you trust someone, how do you open yourself up...it seems so hard now.

I know eventually I have to get up today, take a shower and show everyone that I am ok and smile even though it hurts to do it. But for just this moment I want to just tell the world, "I'm sad and I hate my life." I just wish there was something I could do about it.

6/20/07

June 24, 1974

That was 33 years ago this Sunday. Wow, 33 years ago I was a small little baby with no idea just how many curves life was going to throw me. I was the only one of us that my dad was at the birth. He was on a trip for both Michelle and Laurie's birthdays. Maybe that is why even though we fight, I am daddy's little girl?

This is the year before I turn 34, the age Richie was when he died. I've been told that this year will be a good one because its been a year since he died but it will also be hard because I will have the mixed feelings of turning the age he was when he died next year. What a crazy mixture of feelings for one person to have to work through.

I'm stronger this week than I was a year ago. Last year I spent the week planning a birthday night but really not sure how or what I would feel that day. This year I am a little more clear headed and I feel as if I will have a good time. We girls have a suite at one of my hotels downtown. We are going to do a pool day there then have some dinner then hit the town. I'm nervous...maybe its because I am scared I will cry again like last year? I don't think I will but then again, crying for me is something I have no control of over anymore.

Richie, I will miss you at my birthday this year...even though in the past you didn't always make my birthday a priority or well, you know what you did...but I wish you were here to at least hug me and celebrate another year on this earth.

6/8/07

Chapter 2

This is what us Widows call life after the death of our husbands. It is weird to type that because at 32 years old I feel as if I should still be only a little ways into Chapter 1 of my life. Now I have to fast forward to Chapter 2? It is so confusing.

This dating thing, it is interesting. I've met someone that I think I like more than most, no, that isn't fair, I know I like him more than most. He is nothing like anyone I have ever dated. He's not what I would have ever considered my type...in fact, more than likely he doesn't know how to drive a tractor and believe me, where I come from that is a must! But I like him all the same. We have been on the typical dinner/movie date and he has come here to have dinner once. That of course was strange because this is "my space" or well, "our space" and to invite a guy over is just weird every time I do it. But it was different this time. I guess because he's so different and didn't know me before? See, the others I have dated or done things casually with, they knew me before. He doesn't. All he knows is what I tell him and what he sees when he is around me.

I didn't tell him about Richie until the 3rd date. I just wasn't sure how to tell him or how I wanted to tell him. I knew that to me, the details of Richie's death are my cross to bear and it is something almost sacred to me. Strange, I know, but I still haven't told him much past just that I was married to Richie and that he passed away suddenly. It will take a lot of trust to tell him more than that and it will take a little more time for me to even consider it. Right now it just feels right to spend time with him and get to know him.

Dating at 32 and widowed are so crazy. I find myself holding back more, listening more, not getting all jumpy and nervous about the small aspects of dating...you know, what to wear, what will he think when he sees my house or whatever? Those things just don't seem to hold a great deal of meaning anymore. I look more now at how he reacts to things, situations and to me when I ask my ridiculous questions.

Who knows where this is going or if it will go much further but I am learning so much about the new Stacie every day and again, so far, I think I like her.

6/6/07

Looking At The Stars

Tonight Marlie and I took the radio and we went outside to see if we could see the International Space Station. I know Marlie thought I was kooky for wanting to go look but this is something that my dad always did with us as kids so I guess it's something normal for me now? Looking at meteor showers, the stars in general and eclipses are a constant memory in my childhood.

As we laid there looking up at the stars we didn't really talk much. I asked her if she thought Richie was looking down at us and smiling because we were looking directly up at him. She said she thought he was. Then I asked her what is the one thing she is thankful for at that moment and she said her family. I said that I was thankful I was still here and had made it through the past year and now my smiles are coming back and they are real and sincere.

I have changed so much inside and it is so hard to understand the changes until I do something that I realized I would have done differently a year ago. I like this Stacie. At first she scared me but now I am beginning to like her. I'm comfortable with her and I like the values and morals she has in her. I am glad that this is what I became through all of this rather than a bitter and sad person that saw no value in a future.

I'm thankful that tonight I was able to lay there staring at the stars and think of Richie Day and smile. I wish that he were able to see the same view but I know that his is so much more amazing and that thought gives me peace.

I'm thankful for that too, peace in my heart. I don't feel as if I am "searching" like I was for this past year. I feel as if my soul is finally finding some stability and it is becoming more content and not as restless.

I am still not sure of my future but I know that at least I have one now. Whatever future God is giving me will be just right.

6/3/07

Whipporwills

Have you ever sat so quiet in your backyard that you can hear a whipporwill calling out for its mate? Tonight I sat in the backyard with Levi listening to the silence and I heard one call out. It seemed to circle around my house and every call came from a different location.

It makes me kind of feel like that is what I am doing, calling out for someone. I'm not sure who I am looking for though? I am no longer looking for Richie. He's gone and I know it. Even if there are times that I let myself "look" for him, I know in my heart he is truly not going to come back to me.

So...who am I looking for? I'm beginning to date. Wow, just typing that out here makes it real. Yeah, I have met some guys through all this and have gone on dates the past few months, but as my counselor says, I was in a tunnel vision of sorts. I was attracted to the wrong type of guys and of course I knew in my heart that was "safe" because it wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't allow myself to look around at all the nice guys. But now I am trying to look around more and see that there are some nice guys out there and that even if I am not ready to find "the one" it is nice to know I can go out, have a nice dinner and have someone put me as a priority.

Being 32, widowed and coming from a relationship and marriage that was hard...to say it nicely, this dating thing is terrifying. I don't know what to do or say or how to act half the time when they try to do nice things for me.

The hardest part is also telling them my story. How do you tell someone that you are widowed. Sounds pretty simple and straight forward huh? Well, it's not. Think of what all comes with being a widow...there are fears that were not there before...there is a innocence that was lost and to say it nicely, we widows don't put up with much crap. We know that we deserve better and we know that there is something worse than not having a guy call. BUT, we still freak out if the guy doesn't because, its not that he might not like us, it's that he might be dead somewhere. How is that for a reality check. You forget to call the widow becuase you got busy and when you talk to her she is pretty much hysterical because she was worried you were dead. Now, that hasn't happened to me but it has to some of my widow friends and I "feel" those emotions at times now while I am starting this dating thing. I can't imagine what it will be like for a guy that I do like and begin to have a relationship with. I am sure I will scare the bejesus out of him.

Widowhood is just flat out hard. It is never simple and there is never one right answer. He died, I lived, now I have to go on with my life and that means I want to find someone to love and to have a family with. The question is, is how do you go about doing that in a "normal" way now that you have gone through burying your 34 year old husband?