Anger Wave Again? Why Now?

I've been angry a lot over the past few weeks. I've done some things out of character that I am not very proud of. I wasn't really sure why but then last night it hit me...I am just angry I have to start all over.

I know I have met someone and I am beginning to plan a future with him, but it is so frustrating. I try not to put too much pressure on him but I find that sometimes I need answers- even before he is ready to give them. I don't want to push- that is an old habit I had and I do not wish to gain it back- but my "fear" from Richie's death seems to make me question so much.

I worry about what my future is going to be like, when will I get married again, when will I have kids, when- damn it- will I get a chance to "catch up" with everyone?!?! I am so pissed about it. Why the hell did I have to be the one to start over? Richie is the one who caused so much trouble in my life. He caused me to worry, to not sleep, to be scared for him and what he was doing. Why do I still have to be angry, worried and scared?!?!

It is SO not fair. I hate being mad again and I know that I am lucky to have the life I have and to have John in my life...I am just ready for the "rest of my life" to begin. I guess its true...when you are ready to move on past the grief it can't come soon enough.

Ugh.