I can't lie, this day and tomorrow have been on my mind the last few days and it hurts to be going through them without Richie.
Mom and I talked last night and we talked about how yes, I am happy with John but that and Richie's death/my grief all have nothing to do with each other. I guess it goes back to what I have written about before...me meeting someone is not going to all of a sudden make me "better." And I guess what sometimes I want to ask people is, "What is better?" Yes, I can function now. I am eating again, I go to work, I am dating, I smile more, I'm falling in love again...but I guess for me sometimes I am still "functioning." There are still days that I get depressed...yeah, its "better" but again, when you go past "better?"
I told mom that there just isn't a sparkle in me anymore. I see it and I know my family does. Holidays, birthdays, special occasions, they just aren't what they used to be anymore. I don't get overly excited and I am not sad when I miss something. I am just not happy deep down inside and like I told mom, I am not sure if I will ever get that back? Does a widow ever feel that happiness again or do widows now just know reality and that nothing is worth getting all "giddy" about anymore? I am not saying that's bad but I guess the best word to describe me and my "gut" feelings is that I am just now more "practical."
God, I miss my husband. I miss my wedding day and the feeling of happiness I had. That day I was a bride and I was marrying the only guy in the world for me.
Footprints
9/21/07
3 Years Later
Three years ago today I was I was working on last minute details for my upcoming wedding. I had been waiting for this day all my life and especially over the last 6 years. I was finally going to marry Richie.
If someone asked me what was my favorite part of my wedding I know easily what I would say. It would be the minutes that I walked towards Richie in the covered bridge. See, those were "our" moments. There is a covered bridge on the grounds at Shiloh. My dad helped the men of the church recreate it years ago. It even has the wooden nails in it...anyway, as we were trying to work out the details of where Richie and I would see each other before the ceremony I knew in an instant where I wanted that to be. I wanted it outside (that was for Richie's love of the outdoors) and somewhere that no one could really see us in this private moment. That moment was just ours.
When I walked up to him I was smiling and the first thing he said to me was, "You look really pretty." He was so nervous. He was sweating...probably a bit from the liquor he drank on the golf course...but he was shaking a bit too. I hugged him and he kissed me just a tad (not wanting to mess up my lipstick) but we hugged. I remember thinking that this was it, I was going to be with Richie the rest of my life. That was a wonderful moment and now a very special memory to me. I am so blessed to have that burned in my mind because I never want to forget it. In that moment he was flesh and blood. He was real. He was in my arms and our future was endless.
I have felt so weird the last couple of days...one minute I am ok then the next I feel all weird. I think its because in one respect, my life is going so well. I have met someone and I am giving my heart to him. I smile every time he crosses my mind and I look forward anxiously to the minutes I get to see him next. I am falling in love again and it feels really good.
But in the next sentence I think of my past and the life I had with Richie. Where did all our plans go? Where is that future with kids and a house on some land with a small pond? I grieve my past life. I grieve that loss of someone I spent every night with, a person who I knew every inch of. I can close my eyes still and envision his hands, his smile, the way his stomach felt when I would put my hand on it when I laid on his shoulder watching tv. See, that is my grief, that is my confusion. When will this all even out then today's life start to beome more prominent? Right now it still feels a little more weighted towards my old life if if that makes sense?
I am in love with someone new and I am still loving the one in my past. It is so confusing for me and I don't want to dishonor either one of them. I am in love with a reality and I am still loving and grieving a ghost. How much more crazier can this get?
Happy wedding anniversary Richie...I will spend the day honoring you and our vows. I love you still even though death took you away from me. You will forever be in my heart and I will always remember our wedding day for what it was...the happiest day in my life.
If someone asked me what was my favorite part of my wedding I know easily what I would say. It would be the minutes that I walked towards Richie in the covered bridge. See, those were "our" moments. There is a covered bridge on the grounds at Shiloh. My dad helped the men of the church recreate it years ago. It even has the wooden nails in it...anyway, as we were trying to work out the details of where Richie and I would see each other before the ceremony I knew in an instant where I wanted that to be. I wanted it outside (that was for Richie's love of the outdoors) and somewhere that no one could really see us in this private moment. That moment was just ours.
When I walked up to him I was smiling and the first thing he said to me was, "You look really pretty." He was so nervous. He was sweating...probably a bit from the liquor he drank on the golf course...but he was shaking a bit too. I hugged him and he kissed me just a tad (not wanting to mess up my lipstick) but we hugged. I remember thinking that this was it, I was going to be with Richie the rest of my life. That was a wonderful moment and now a very special memory to me. I am so blessed to have that burned in my mind because I never want to forget it. In that moment he was flesh and blood. He was real. He was in my arms and our future was endless.
I have felt so weird the last couple of days...one minute I am ok then the next I feel all weird. I think its because in one respect, my life is going so well. I have met someone and I am giving my heart to him. I smile every time he crosses my mind and I look forward anxiously to the minutes I get to see him next. I am falling in love again and it feels really good.
But in the next sentence I think of my past and the life I had with Richie. Where did all our plans go? Where is that future with kids and a house on some land with a small pond? I grieve my past life. I grieve that loss of someone I spent every night with, a person who I knew every inch of. I can close my eyes still and envision his hands, his smile, the way his stomach felt when I would put my hand on it when I laid on his shoulder watching tv. See, that is my grief, that is my confusion. When will this all even out then today's life start to beome more prominent? Right now it still feels a little more weighted towards my old life if if that makes sense?
I am in love with someone new and I am still loving the one in my past. It is so confusing for me and I don't want to dishonor either one of them. I am in love with a reality and I am still loving and grieving a ghost. How much more crazier can this get?
Happy wedding anniversary Richie...I will spend the day honoring you and our vows. I love you still even though death took you away from me. You will forever be in my heart and I will always remember our wedding day for what it was...the happiest day in my life.
9/11/07
September 11, 2001- Remembering and Sharing
As you can imagine my widow board is alive with activity today. So many are sending out prayers to the widows of 9/11 but they are also sending out thank you's to the widows who began our website that same fateful day. How strange is it that one of the largest grief websites on the internet today was launched that exact same morning, on that exact same day from a city in the same general area?
As I read some of the posts and I see how each widow/er is sharing their story of that day I realized that these widow/ers had an entire world grieving with them that day. They were no alone in their grief. How blessed they were, even though they probably didn't realize it for many years, to have so many there to comfort them.
Of course this makes me think of the days following Richie's death. The days that were the most blinded by pain but the one thing I am constantly reminded of were the people who kept coming in my door. The friends who came and stayed for days on end. Only leaving to make trips to the grocery store or to do something related to helping me. How did I manage to get along those first few weeks? I can tell you without a hesitation in my voice...my family and friends. They were steadfast and solid, never wavering and always there. They are the only reason I am here today and I am as strong as I am. They were the ones who picked up the pieces and helped me put it all back together when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep and never wake back up. They didn't let me and for that I will forever be greatful.
That morning of September 11th I was with two really good friends from Georgia Pacific and we were on our way out the door to a funeral for my boss' dad. We saw the story unfold on the tv but had to leave. Once we got on the road we listened to the radio until we got to the service. God spared us a lot of the actual real time news that day by having us attend Diane's dad's funeral. Irony? He was a highly decorated military official. We saw the flag being folded for Diane and the bagpipes were played. It was a surreal experience to be there at that moment when the world was watching what was happening.
That afternoon I went straight to Richie's. He was building a new door on his fence for Levi. We sat in silence a lot and then I would go in and watch some news and come back out with a report for him. We talked about how things were going to be different and we talked about how it was inevitable we were going to war. Richie didn't say a whole lot, as he wasn't one to share what he really was feeling all that much, but as the day went on we both knew that our lives were forever changed by what we had seen. That night he called Aimee...I will never forget. At the time I was mad, but now, looking back, he was reaching out to her because on that day, didn't we all reach out to someone that we hadn't talked to in a long time?
Today brings back so many memories for me of Richie and the pain of losing him. But it also gives me hope to see where the 9/11 widows on my board are today...some have families, some have gone on to start new careers and some have created amazing memorials for their loved ones. I have hope that in 6 years I will be healed a little bit more and the pain of losing Richie will continue to develop into a bittersweet memory.
God, thank you for giving me this peace in my heart each day.
As I read some of the posts and I see how each widow/er is sharing their story of that day I realized that these widow/ers had an entire world grieving with them that day. They were no alone in their grief. How blessed they were, even though they probably didn't realize it for many years, to have so many there to comfort them.
Of course this makes me think of the days following Richie's death. The days that were the most blinded by pain but the one thing I am constantly reminded of were the people who kept coming in my door. The friends who came and stayed for days on end. Only leaving to make trips to the grocery store or to do something related to helping me. How did I manage to get along those first few weeks? I can tell you without a hesitation in my voice...my family and friends. They were steadfast and solid, never wavering and always there. They are the only reason I am here today and I am as strong as I am. They were the ones who picked up the pieces and helped me put it all back together when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep and never wake back up. They didn't let me and for that I will forever be greatful.
That morning of September 11th I was with two really good friends from Georgia Pacific and we were on our way out the door to a funeral for my boss' dad. We saw the story unfold on the tv but had to leave. Once we got on the road we listened to the radio until we got to the service. God spared us a lot of the actual real time news that day by having us attend Diane's dad's funeral. Irony? He was a highly decorated military official. We saw the flag being folded for Diane and the bagpipes were played. It was a surreal experience to be there at that moment when the world was watching what was happening.
That afternoon I went straight to Richie's. He was building a new door on his fence for Levi. We sat in silence a lot and then I would go in and watch some news and come back out with a report for him. We talked about how things were going to be different and we talked about how it was inevitable we were going to war. Richie didn't say a whole lot, as he wasn't one to share what he really was feeling all that much, but as the day went on we both knew that our lives were forever changed by what we had seen. That night he called Aimee...I will never forget. At the time I was mad, but now, looking back, he was reaching out to her because on that day, didn't we all reach out to someone that we hadn't talked to in a long time?
Today brings back so many memories for me of Richie and the pain of losing him. But it also gives me hope to see where the 9/11 widows on my board are today...some have families, some have gone on to start new careers and some have created amazing memorials for their loved ones. I have hope that in 6 years I will be healed a little bit more and the pain of losing Richie will continue to develop into a bittersweet memory.
God, thank you for giving me this peace in my heart each day.
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