Wandering Thoughts...

I'm sitting in my bed in my new home, in my new room and I have found myself lost in thought tonight.

I've thought about my friend Kate who's dad died suddenly on Sunday from a massive heart attack. I've let my mind actually think about Coastal Cup this weekend and what it meant to me in years past- worry, laughter, memories of good and bad days gone by. I've looked around this room thinking of things I want to do to it.

I head to Salt Lake next week and I will see Todd. I'm looking forward to it. He and Rad just are those two guys that I will always feel the need to stay in contact with. I know Todd's been down about his situation and I've promised for a night we are going to go out and forget it! I guess in a way I feel I have to step into Richie's shoes and be the friend that Todd needs? I know Todd would think that is just crazy thinking but in a way, I think deep down he needs the friendship too and right now, he really needs Richie. So, he gets me.

Kristen at work is pregnant. I've tried to be as happy as I can for her and I really am, but its hard. She and I talked so many times about getting pregnant at the same time so we could be out of work at the same time. So. Sad thoughts there.

John's at the Hawks game. Jill's babysitting. Its just me and KC here tonight.

Those are my thoughts tonight. I'm letting my mind wander a lot. Kate's dad's death has hit me strangely. I think its because it seems close to home and she really is a good friend. I remember her telling me she had no idea what to say to me those days after Richie died but she was there for me in any way. I guess I just want to be able to make her feel like I am there too for her this time.

Richie, I hope you are doing good up there...teeing off with one of those long drives on a crystal clear morning. I'm sure the courses up in heaven are amazing and I know this weekend you'll be right there with those boys in Destin. Keep them safe Richie.

Two Years Tomorrow

I think its normal to think that April 18th will always be the hardest day for me...but to be honest, this year April 22nd seems to be the one I am haunted by. That is the day we buried you. I remember sitting there next to dad and Sam was being held by Michelle in the back under the tent. Sam was crying because everyone was crying and he was confused. He wanted out of her arms and he came and sat in my lap. Right in front of everyone, he came to sit with me and hold me as I cried.

I was holding your watch...your hat...and I kept looking past the casket to the cemetary behind you. It was hot, the preacher was not saying things that you would have liked...he offended some friends and I know you would have been upset by that. It was awful. I was burying you somewhere I didn't want you to be. In a hot cemetary with no trees for you to lay under. I wanted to bury you in Tennesse but I knew that that would not have gone over very well. I knew that in the end you would want your mom, dad and Kim to be able to visit you. So that is why I chose that. I did it for you because I know you would have wanted me to let you go.

Richie, I just wish it had all been easier for you and me and all of this. I wish that you could meet John...how weird is that? But I do, I wish you could see how nice he is to me and how much I have fallen in love with him. When I'm with him, there is no where else I would rather be. I just wish you could have met him. Although, I laugh a bit as I type that because you would have corrupted him and had him out partying with you!! So maybe it wouldn't have been such a good idea...

I bought a house today...the one I fell in love with from day 1. I move into it Wednesday and I am pretty excited about it. I walked in today and it was kind of liberating. Can't explain it...just felt good. Its mine and I'm proud that I made it.

Two years Richie...two years...a lifetime but not quite.

Happy Birthday

Today you would have been 36 years old. There isn't much more I want to say I guess except that today I promise to drink a beer for you and remember all those fun times you had. Jill and I laughed the other night at some of the stories...she remembered some that I had forgotton...it was good to hear them. Made me smile as usual...you always were one to give us all a smile with your stories.

I wish you a very happy birthday up in heaven. I have a feeling you woke up and went turkey hunting with grandpa and about now you are walking around some field and enjoying the silence of the day. I can see the peacefulness on your face in my mind...I know you are happy there and are at peace.

Enjoy today Richie and down here, we'll enjoy it with you.

Love,
stacie

I remember...

My emotions are all over the place. It's April again. It's the month of his birthday and the anniversary of his death. I'm beginning to get the calls and emails. I am remembering that I wasn't the only one who lost Richie and that the pain is still there for others. Sometimes its hard to remember that because I feel the pain all belongs to me. Not in a selfish way, but that I carry the burden to be "sad" on the appropriate days and I have to be the one to continually carry on his memory so no one forgets. But when I get the calls and emails I feel everyone's pain and heartbreak again.

I remember the phone calls to certain people telling them. I remember Jarrett and Michelle walking up the driveway...I remember my parents finding me hiding behind a curtain at the hospital because in my state of shock I wanted to not be found...because if I wasn't found what was happening to me that night wasn't real...I remember Rad and what he sounded like when he saw me in the hospital...I just remember all the pain in everyone's faces as we all tried to cope with what had happened. Our friend had died and it was too sudden to understand and grasp what was going to happen from that moment on.

I'm sad...he would have been 36 years old on Saturday but he will forever be 34 and smiling. He will forever be young to all of us.

Richie, you are in my thoughts these days. I know that you are happy up there and you are smiling down on me. I know that I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you watching over me. I remember you Richie and I promise to never forget you.