Confused about where I belong?

I've written about this a few times before but this weekend I tried to explain it to John. I'm not sure I did such a good job because its so hard to put into words how I feel about my life these days.

One day I am out partying with my single girlfriends the next I am at a table with all my friends who either have kids or are in the process of trying. And where does that leave me? I mean, I am dating someone and I am happier than I've ever been but I am not in either world really. I like to go out but I also have now found a peace in staying home. I know how fun marriage can be if you are with the right person. I know that going out is not a priority because having a home and other goals in life are so much more important than a bar bill that the next day you regret as you fight a horrible hang over.

It just hard to balance it out. I mean, I don't want to stay home every night but I'm not out "looking" either for a husband. I never was even when I was dating. I was just dating...not trying to prove anything or push myself. I just happend to stumble onto John and found what I was looking for.

I am not up for partying all night when I go out...by 1pm I am tired and want to go home. But when I sometimes talk to my married friends I get that "look" or "tone of voice" that is kind of making me feeling ashamed that I go out? But I am not in their world anymore and I can't expect John to spend every single night with me. That's not fair. He's on his own life schedule and has things that he needs to be doing at his age since he is not yet married and is still single. And what am I to do...stay home every night that he's out?

I guess I just feel confused. I am not sure where to fit in or where to go from here. I get anxious and then I calm down...then I get anxious again and have to calm down again. Its a cycle and its hard to keep it contained at times.

I guess I just am ready for something really good to happen to me. I know I posted that a while ago too. I mean, I am thankful every day for what God has given me and all the wonderful people and things I have in my life...I am just tired of being me. It wears me out.