February 14, 2008

I have been coming to my blog for the past few days wanting to post but not really sure what to write. My head is all jumbled up and I am all over the board with emotions these days.

Update: I have a contract on my house and barring any major issues it should close on March 7th. However, right now there is a slight issue..hail damage on the roof, but I can't go into that now without having a total breakdown. With the signing of the contract came a tidal wave of emotions. I was so happy that I finally got an offer and a decent one at that. It is one that will help put me into my next house and isn't that enough to ask for in this market? It will help me close this chapter down and begin a new one. It won't make me rich by any means and it doesn't necessarily change my financial situation as it is now, but I will be closer to friends and family and isn't that something to be gratefula about?

But then there is the sadness. I have begun to look through drawers and have begun boxing things up. That is where the tough part has come in. What to keep, what to give away, what to send to his parents. I have to give it to John, his voice of reason when it comes to Richie's family has been a blessing. He's right, despite my bitterness of feeling that I have been left in the dust to fend for myself this past two years, there are things that they are meant to have. I am not quite sure what I am ready to part with, even here at 2 years out, but I know there are things that I will send down to them. Things that Richie would want me to let them have again. My anger at them has returned because I feel as if I am paying so much to get out of this house and it is taking the safety of what I do have down to a level that I am uncomfortable with. I guess it just goes back to the fact that insurance money is to help those left behind...the spouse, the kids, not the parents you know? But I will deal with this anger and hope it goes away too...I can only pray for that.

So...with that I go to pack some more and ponder all these emotions. I guess the waves of grief still reach out, even 2 years later. I wish so hard for the day when Richie's death doesn't touch my life in such a forceful way. I wish for some peace.