Who do you call first?

Damn flu. I've been sick the last few days and today I just pretty much laid around all day watching tv and moving between my couch and the bed. I was sitting her thinking, wow, I did that a lot those first few months. I remember laying on the couch and feeling restless so I went to the bed.

I remember thinking back then how I would have to get used to being alone again and as my counselor was telling me...how to be ok alone. I haven't really had to spend much time alone since I met John. We always manage to see each other a lot during the week, but this week we had conflicting schedules and then I don't blame him for wanting to not be around me since I have the flu.

But I realized today how much I miss him when he's not here. I mean, I know I can say that to him or bug the crap out of him by texting it to him (which I think I have done a few times this week) but underneath all the joking, I mean it.

He has become this part of my life that I don't want to be without. The other day something happened (can't remember what now) but I picked up the phone and called to tell him. He has become that...the person you want to call first.

I'm not sure when my mind shifted into that...I have tried to be somewhat protective of beginning to depend on him. I have done that for a lot of reasons. The first being that I don't want to lose him and have to be hurt more than I can handle. The second is that I don't want to pressure him and suffocate him.

But he is now that person to me...that person that you reach for the phone to call first when something, anything important happens to you. It can be the smallest of things and it can be the biggest but no matter what, that person is who you go to call first.

Who do you think to call first? Who is that person that is so important to you that you call them first to tell them? We all need someone like that. Whether its a friend, a parent of a significant other.

Before John, before Richie, it was my dad. I would always call him first. You know, sometimes I called him before Richie...and I hate to admit it, but its because most of the time I knew that if I called Richie he would probably sound as if I am bothering him. He would sound as if he cared but most of the time I knew he was just exasperated that I called and interrupted him in whatever he was doing. So, I called Dad. Dads always listen and no matter what, you are never interrupting them and they always want to hear and know how you are doing.

I'm pretty lucky, I have a dad that always wants to hear from me. My sister's and I may joke around and complain that he bugs us, but honestly, if he were gone, our world would be way too quiet.

So...John has become that person but dad is still there...he's the second one I will call...but it sure is nice to realize that not only is it John, but I'm really glad it is. I am not as scared as I once was to fall in love again and to take that risk. I am finally finding that my life isn't so bad and although I've had a hard couple of years, my life is certainly far from over.

God, thank you for all you have given me, for the protection these last few years...it is hard to believe it is almost 2 years since he died but I am so grateful that you helped me fight and find this place in my life. I feel very lucky.