Our Footprints

Have you really ever thought about your "footprints" in life? Where you have been, what you have done and what impact it made on the world around you?

The past week I've been thinking a lot about how as we get older we have to start thinking about those things. At some point, we are responsible for our actions and how the decisions we make can change the course of our lives forever. I know, deep huh?

This week I visited an old friend and one of Richie's best friends. We talked a lot about my marriage to him and the ups and downs. I regret so much...I regret that I let him continue to treat me the way he did for so long, but I am thankful that I stuck it out so that he wasn't alone and never had to wonder if he was loved. I guess what I realize is that I was the one who just never really knew if I was loved. I was the one that kind of took the brunt of all his demons and I guess that is just how God wanted it? I was the one that needed to be "that" person for Richie.

But as I have entered into the 3rd year without him I am finding a little bit of my old self coming out again which is a really good thing but I'm also finding that my insecurities and old ways of dealing with things is coming out too.

I found the paper where Cathy and I talked about what I wanted from my next relatinoship. It listed 3 things. #1- I want to never be insecure about how much my husband loves me. #2- I never want to lay awake at night wondering where he is. #3- I want in-laws that let my husband put me first and I want a husband that truly believes what is in the bible- that husband and wifew are "one" and that no one comes before your spouse.

When I read those things again now I know that I still feel the same. Those are the three things that I feel I didn't have. I just have to figure out how to be strong enough to demand them and expect them as part of my marriage and never doubt that I deserve them.