The night you got the phone call, the one where I was calling you screaming and telling you that something was very wrong...that was the night I was no longer that little girl. I was no longer the little girl you knew me to be. Even though I had gotten married and had begun another chapter in my life, I know you have always thought of me as your little girl. But that night and that phone call changed everything. I don't know if in your mind you have tried to ignore that night or in some ways have tried to forget the past 2 years, but for me, I can never go back to being that daughter of your's. It hurt me too, but I had to let go of my past and who I was before then.
That night, I became older than you in many ways. I have had to face things that you will never comprehend. I am not talking about the financial changes or the emotional decisions I had to begin to face and make on my own. I am talking more about the gut wrenching nightmares, the many nights that I just couldn't find sleep, so I would find myself sitting outside staring up at the night sky wishing that I would die. I hated what was happening to our family, the pain that I saw in your faces whenever you were around me. I faced the emotional stress of what I saw that night, what I touched, what I had to see in that ER room. What I tried to say goodbye to, but instead I found myself yelling and screaming as he laid on that table. The goodbye came only months later in a quiet moment in my backyard. I had to become an adult in a very fast way and as much as you think you do, you will never understand what I've been through fully.
So when you question me and my decisions I don't think you truly understand the woman you are questioning. Your questions are for someone else, someone that is naive and doesn't know what the "real" world is like...not someone who has buried a husband, a dream, a future and had to become someone other than herself in a short period of time.
I may not be making the decisions you would be making, but I am making MY decisions and to me, they are the best ones possible. They are true to who I am and they give me confidence. I don't go into something without thinking it through and I think if you stopped for a moment you would agree that in the past 2 years I've made some really good choices about my life. I've done nothing that I have regretted.
Your questions and your disappointment will not break me, they will thankfully, only make me stronger. The questions have become more of annoyances to me than anything...and as I have learned the hard way, I don't crack under pressure. In fact, I seem to prosper under pressure and in a bittersweet way I am so proud of this new trait within me. You see, I have inside of me the ability to survive. I know I inheirited this trait from you, because you have perservered yourself through some truly tough times. I think that maybe that is why you push me so hard to do what you think is best...because you think since you have survived by the choices you made, then those choices are what is best for me too.
But what you don't understand is that I am surviving and doing a damn good job of it. I have my morals, I have my health and I have the knowledge within me that I have done the best that I can do. My choices have been good ones and none of them have disappointed me. I have followed by gut and my heart and the mixture of the two have only lead me to the right thing.
I just ask that instead of questions, instead of the disappointing tone in your voice, you offer me encouragement, pride and instead of using your words to try to knock me down you use your words to build me up. I know you brag to your friends about me, but you see, that knowledge is only 2nd hand and sometimes, I need to hear it from you. Please, support ME, support the new person that I am and realize I will never be who I was before that night again and its ok. I will still be ok.
I love you.
Footprints
No comments:
Post a Comment