They have found another tumor in Ray, this time on his spine. Its the same type of cancer in his lungs. The news just adds to the devestating news. I keep writing that word when someone emails me and asks me how I'm doing...I keep telling them "devestated." It sounds like such a dramatic word but its the only one that seems to fit.
When Richie died I felt so alone and I feel that all over again. I know that I have so many friends and family around to help me and to let me talk to them but its such a lonely place to deal with all this. I guess becuase when someone wants to know how Ray is, they call or email me...that goes for all our collegues at IHG and the 180+ hotels we work with around the U.S. It beats me down.
I'm upset, I feel very alone and its so hard becuase again, I always have been the "strong" one, the one who can handle anything. I mean hell, I buried a husband, why can't I deal with Ray going through this?
I don't want to go through this again. I don't want Julie to be a widow. I don't want those two boys to know what its like to lose their dad. I don't want Ray to die. I want him to go back to being my over managing, crowne plaza obsessive, always on the road boss. I don't want this.
I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, I'm just pissed off at the world.
Footprints
8/13/08
Ray
I have had a hard time coming here lately. I've been traveling a lot due to Ray being sick and I've had a few breakdowns on the road. I've started to write but then I've retreated to my Widow Website to read. I posted there once when I was in the middle of on of the breakdowns and they all reached out and hugged me from all of the world. It was amazing...and I am always in awe of the friendships I have on there.
Ray decided this weekend he is going to go through one more treatment then he is not going to go through anymore treatments. The last of that news was like a bombshell to me. I am not sure why, I think I have known all along he won't make it. When I sat with Becky that night, she and I both talked about how his chances were slim to none. I guess I just wanted a miracle. I want him to not die.
How can Richie and Ray both not be on this earth anymore? How is that possible...I keep asking that over and over in my head. Last night I tossed and turned and all I could think about was that its not fair that he is going to go through this.
On my website I have read of the suffering and how hard it is to have cancer. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to go through the pain he is going to face. I want him to have the miracle. I want him to have that last minute miracle that saves his life and he lives happily ever after.
I know I am going to be really emotional in the next few months. I have felt myself reverting back to some of my anger issues like after Richie died. I'm needy, I don't want to sleep alone and I have a short fuse. I am trying to keep it in check but its all right there beneath the surface. I'm pissed, I'm mad as hell, I'm so sad, I'm physically drained, its all just right there.
Ray needs prayers...I ask for prayers...how can I lose another person so close to me? How will I get through this? I don't know if I can handle it. I need to be strong but I'm just not sure I can do this.
Ray decided this weekend he is going to go through one more treatment then he is not going to go through anymore treatments. The last of that news was like a bombshell to me. I am not sure why, I think I have known all along he won't make it. When I sat with Becky that night, she and I both talked about how his chances were slim to none. I guess I just wanted a miracle. I want him to not die.
How can Richie and Ray both not be on this earth anymore? How is that possible...I keep asking that over and over in my head. Last night I tossed and turned and all I could think about was that its not fair that he is going to go through this.
On my website I have read of the suffering and how hard it is to have cancer. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to go through the pain he is going to face. I want him to have the miracle. I want him to have that last minute miracle that saves his life and he lives happily ever after.
I know I am going to be really emotional in the next few months. I have felt myself reverting back to some of my anger issues like after Richie died. I'm needy, I don't want to sleep alone and I have a short fuse. I am trying to keep it in check but its all right there beneath the surface. I'm pissed, I'm mad as hell, I'm so sad, I'm physically drained, its all just right there.
Ray needs prayers...I ask for prayers...how can I lose another person so close to me? How will I get through this? I don't know if I can handle it. I need to be strong but I'm just not sure I can do this.
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