It seems like a life time since I flew to Dallas over 10 days ago. It was like I got a break from "my life." I was so busy and hardly had any down time to think about anything outside of work. It was a nice break from reality, I have to admit.
The Albany group called from the beach. This was the first time in several years we weren't with them. The night they called it hit me and I had a moment on the bathroom floor in my hotel room where I cried and just wished that my life weren't this way. I wished so much that God would just let me have it all back. I wanted even the worst of times back...which a lot of times were those beach trips...but I wanted to be with them at the Florabama, laughing and dancing with Richie. I, for a moment, hated my life and wished to just go to sleep and not wake up. I sometimes just want to lay down and go to sleep. I know I can't but I admit, it would be nice to just lay down and never have to deal with all of this anymore. But I know I am stronger than that so I do what I have to do to get past that moment.
The other sad part about my trip was the fact that the last 4 days were all related to the Crowne Plaza Tournament at Colonial. It is a PGA tournament that my brand is sponsoring now and it did not go unnoticed that Richie would have loved to have been there. I know that I could have gotten him a spot in the Pro-Am and he could have played golf with some of the best golfers in the world. I thought about him so much as the weekend went on. Being out there around a golf course, it was just all Richie and I kept thinking of how good he was and how much he loved the sport.
Then when I got home I went out to get Levi. God, I can't tell you how good it was to see him. He is my last connection to Richie in so many ways and never have I loved an animal so much. I could tell he was so excited to see me and when I went in the house to get his things he sat next to my car door and didn't move. As much fun as he had out there with mom and dad I know he was ready to go home...I think he really did miss me.
So now, here I am again, back in reality. This is the "down" point for me. It is when I come home and realize, "Ok, here we go again, what do I do now?" Being on the road has its good and bad parts. I get away from this life and I can "hide" a little from my widowness, but I also get so homesick and realize how much I need my family and friends. It is like I can't win.
Well...here I am again Richie, home without you and trying to make my life my own. I miss you.
Footprints
5/30/07
5/16/07
Always One Thought Away...
He is always there...one thought away from whatever is on my mind at the moment. I can be busy with work, tennis or just mindlessly wathing tv and there he is...right there taking over my thoughts.
It catches me off guard at times. I will then think of small things- his hands, his smile, the mole on his face, the green eyes with gold flecks that could see through me when they stared long enough.
Richie is always there. I had a hard few weeks but I am doing better now. I have a lot going on with work so it is keeping me occupied. The moments of him not being in my thoughts seem to be longer but even as I type that I know that he is always there and will pop up when I least expect it.
Richie was the center of my world and now that he is gone it is hard to believe that I will ever feel whole again. Is this feeling that someting is always missing going to stay with me forever? It is like I KNOW my car keys are here somewhere but after hours of searching I just can't find them! I don't necessarily search "this" world for him but I do search my heart for signs of him.
I look desperately for the feeling I had when I would hear him drive up after a weekend at the hunting club. I always met him at the door with a smile. What did that feel like? That giddy feeling that drove me to make sure I looked cute, even after being with him for 6 years. I would always have on something cute and at least some makeup. Did you know he loved me in yellow? He said that one time about 3 years ago and I always tried to buy something in yellow when I was out, even if it was just a tshirt...so now I have 6 yellow tshits...long sleeve, short sleeve, sleeveless...because Richie said he loved me in yellow.
I miss him...but I'm ok...I am feeling better after such a hard few weeks. The wave that hit me has subsided and I think I will just float here on my back, relax, enjoy the sun until the next one hits me.
It catches me off guard at times. I will then think of small things- his hands, his smile, the mole on his face, the green eyes with gold flecks that could see through me when they stared long enough.
Richie is always there. I had a hard few weeks but I am doing better now. I have a lot going on with work so it is keeping me occupied. The moments of him not being in my thoughts seem to be longer but even as I type that I know that he is always there and will pop up when I least expect it.
Richie was the center of my world and now that he is gone it is hard to believe that I will ever feel whole again. Is this feeling that someting is always missing going to stay with me forever? It is like I KNOW my car keys are here somewhere but after hours of searching I just can't find them! I don't necessarily search "this" world for him but I do search my heart for signs of him.
I look desperately for the feeling I had when I would hear him drive up after a weekend at the hunting club. I always met him at the door with a smile. What did that feel like? That giddy feeling that drove me to make sure I looked cute, even after being with him for 6 years. I would always have on something cute and at least some makeup. Did you know he loved me in yellow? He said that one time about 3 years ago and I always tried to buy something in yellow when I was out, even if it was just a tshirt...so now I have 6 yellow tshits...long sleeve, short sleeve, sleeveless...because Richie said he loved me in yellow.
I miss him...but I'm ok...I am feeling better after such a hard few weeks. The wave that hit me has subsided and I think I will just float here on my back, relax, enjoy the sun until the next one hits me.
5/13/07
Levi
Tonight Levi and I did an amazing thing...or well, another "first" for he and I. We went for a walk. This probably doesn't seem so amazing to anyone else but to he and I, it was truly amazing.
See, I have never walked Levi alone. I always walked him with Richie. We didn't do it all the time but when we went for a walk we almost always walked Levi on a Sunday evening, after a big Sunday dinner and we would walk him around the neighborhood Richie lived in at the time. We walked him around Colt Drive, Greenhill, Keswick and then finally on Wood Creek.
I am not sure the date of our last walk but tonight it haunted us as we took off down the driveway. When Levi saw me putting my tennis shoes on in front of the door and then holding the leash he did what he always did for Richie, he started jumping up and down and getting excited. This at first made me smile but then the tears started. So we set off...of course Levi "marked" everything on our journey and had to stop and sniff at everything. His ears were perked up and he was so energetic. He hasn't been this way in a while.
I knew where we were going as soon as I picked up the leash from the garage. I wanted to go on the path of our last walk with Richie. We got to the playground in our neighborhood and went left. From there we took the wooded path along the creek and lost ourselves in the woods. I did as Richie did and I took off the leash and let him go. He ran around, sniffed, and just played in the woods. He never went far, he never did when we were with Richie.
This is where it go hard. I remembered exactly what Richie was wearing...ratted out kaki shorts and his blue TA shirt with holes all in it. He had on his grey tennis shoes with no socks. I remembered him perfectly. We were talking about all the traveling we were doing and when we got to the clearing where they were putting in a road for a new neighborhood we stood there talking and watching Levi. I told Richie how I loved my job but the traveling was killing me and I joked that when I got pregnant I finally could stay off a plane. He smiled, didn't say much, just said that who would have imagined him going to New York ever? We laughed a little, talked about the yard and then he whistled for Levi and we started back. On the way home we talked about the kind of grass we wanted to put in our yard. He pointed out some yards and I told him which ones I liked. It was a nice evening with my husband and the tears continued as Levi and I took the same path.
This time though, when I got to the clearing I saw the new houses and I called Levi back so I wouldn't lose him. I sat there for a while just looking around and silently crying for Richie and that night. I probably looked crazy to anyone in the neighborhood who could see me but those houses just made me so sad. I wanted that night back and those houses symbolized just how much time had passed since that special last walk we took.
On our way back I took Levi to this deep water hole. Richie never would let him off, he always thought we would get in trouble. Tonight, I didn't care. I know how much Levi loves to go jump into water holes and swim around and I know that he misses his swim time in Tennessee so I threw a stick in and told him to go for it. He dove in head first, I'm not kidding, head first and came up sneezing water! I threw the stick a few times and you could tell he loved it.
As we walked up the driveway, me emotionally drained and wet from his shacking water all over me, and Levi physically exhausted for his swim, we were a sight I'm sure. It is just me and him now and my heart hurts just thinking about that. Levi is the only living thing on this earth besides me who knew what it felt like to walk in those woods with Richie. I wonder, did he miss him too tonight? Did he feel my sadness and did he wonder, where was Richie?
I may not be a mother to a child yet but tonight I really saw how much I love the child I have. I know that tonight Richie was up there proud of me for taking this walk. I know this was another step forward for me and I'm glad it was with Levi, the dog he loved most in this world.
See, I have never walked Levi alone. I always walked him with Richie. We didn't do it all the time but when we went for a walk we almost always walked Levi on a Sunday evening, after a big Sunday dinner and we would walk him around the neighborhood Richie lived in at the time. We walked him around Colt Drive, Greenhill, Keswick and then finally on Wood Creek.
I am not sure the date of our last walk but tonight it haunted us as we took off down the driveway. When Levi saw me putting my tennis shoes on in front of the door and then holding the leash he did what he always did for Richie, he started jumping up and down and getting excited. This at first made me smile but then the tears started. So we set off...of course Levi "marked" everything on our journey and had to stop and sniff at everything. His ears were perked up and he was so energetic. He hasn't been this way in a while.
I knew where we were going as soon as I picked up the leash from the garage. I wanted to go on the path of our last walk with Richie. We got to the playground in our neighborhood and went left. From there we took the wooded path along the creek and lost ourselves in the woods. I did as Richie did and I took off the leash and let him go. He ran around, sniffed, and just played in the woods. He never went far, he never did when we were with Richie.
This is where it go hard. I remembered exactly what Richie was wearing...ratted out kaki shorts and his blue TA shirt with holes all in it. He had on his grey tennis shoes with no socks. I remembered him perfectly. We were talking about all the traveling we were doing and when we got to the clearing where they were putting in a road for a new neighborhood we stood there talking and watching Levi. I told Richie how I loved my job but the traveling was killing me and I joked that when I got pregnant I finally could stay off a plane. He smiled, didn't say much, just said that who would have imagined him going to New York ever? We laughed a little, talked about the yard and then he whistled for Levi and we started back. On the way home we talked about the kind of grass we wanted to put in our yard. He pointed out some yards and I told him which ones I liked. It was a nice evening with my husband and the tears continued as Levi and I took the same path.
This time though, when I got to the clearing I saw the new houses and I called Levi back so I wouldn't lose him. I sat there for a while just looking around and silently crying for Richie and that night. I probably looked crazy to anyone in the neighborhood who could see me but those houses just made me so sad. I wanted that night back and those houses symbolized just how much time had passed since that special last walk we took.
On our way back I took Levi to this deep water hole. Richie never would let him off, he always thought we would get in trouble. Tonight, I didn't care. I know how much Levi loves to go jump into water holes and swim around and I know that he misses his swim time in Tennessee so I threw a stick in and told him to go for it. He dove in head first, I'm not kidding, head first and came up sneezing water! I threw the stick a few times and you could tell he loved it.
As we walked up the driveway, me emotionally drained and wet from his shacking water all over me, and Levi physically exhausted for his swim, we were a sight I'm sure. It is just me and him now and my heart hurts just thinking about that. Levi is the only living thing on this earth besides me who knew what it felt like to walk in those woods with Richie. I wonder, did he miss him too tonight? Did he feel my sadness and did he wonder, where was Richie?
I may not be a mother to a child yet but tonight I really saw how much I love the child I have. I know that tonight Richie was up there proud of me for taking this walk. I know this was another step forward for me and I'm glad it was with Levi, the dog he loved most in this world.
5/12/07
Mother's Day
Last year I was so wrapped up in my grief that I hardly remember this day had come. It had only been a few short weeks since his death and the magnitude of this day had not hit me.
This year I can't stop thinking that I would have probably been a Mother tomorrow. I would have probably gotten my first mother's day card. If things had gone according to our "plan" I would have celebrated this as my first mother's day with Richie and our child.
I can't tell you how much I want to be a mom. I just can't get the perfect words together to express those feelings of wanting a child so bad you can hardly stand it.
I wish that I were a mom...
This year I can't stop thinking that I would have probably been a Mother tomorrow. I would have probably gotten my first mother's day card. If things had gone according to our "plan" I would have celebrated this as my first mother's day with Richie and our child.
I can't tell you how much I want to be a mom. I just can't get the perfect words together to express those feelings of wanting a child so bad you can hardly stand it.
I wish that I were a mom...
5/10/07
Hard Time Holding It Together Again...
I'm having a hard time again. Just when I thought I was ok and feeling better this last week hit me so hard. I have felt this huge wave pulling me under. I can't sleep again and I seem to be drinking more than I should. I hesitated to even type that because I know that sends alarms out all over the place but I guess I need someone out there to keep some tabs on me and what is going on.
I think the traveling is causing the depression and I turn to drinking. I'm not getting wasted every night but I know I am drinking more than I normally would. Being on the road is so lonely. I know so many people in so many cities but it never fails, at the moment I put that key in the door of my hotel room I realize it is still just me. Not that Richie would have been with me on all these trips but still, there is not that special person to call or waiting for you to call or wondering why you haven't checked in yet. I don't have that and it is so damn hard.
You feel so alone and isolated. I wish my heart was ready for love again but it's not. I'm still in love with Richie. The best thing I could have done was to say that out loud and finally just admit it. My "A" type personality wants me to be better. I set expectations throughout all this that I finally admit, I can't meet them. I push myself thinking that if I try really really hard I will be better and no one has to worry about me. But I give up, I'm not ready for a lot of things. I am not ready for any major change, oh I wish I was ready, God how much I wish I were ready to be back in the "real" world and with someone who loves me. I just can't. Richie still has my heart.
A widow friend told me that instead of working to let Richie go I need to pray that God help Richie let me go. To ask God to heal my heart and have some peace come over me that Richie has let me go and he wants me to love again. I guess it's true, when someone you love with all your heart dies you don't ever think that they "really" want you to move on. You worry that they are upset at your actions with another person so a part of you holds back?
I won't lie, everyone knows Richie and I had a hard as hell marriage. God only knows that we had our fights and we pushed each other to the limits...I think that is why this is so hard. I am scared to trust myself to let someone really love me and "want" to be with me rather than out partying or with the boys.
I am just not sure how to either let Richie go or have him let me go. I know God is working on me right now. I do know that but this healing is hurting.
My little sister said today that I am heart broken over so much and she's right...its broken over Richie dying, my marriage being gone in the blink of an eye, the hardness of my marriage, the loss of Richie's family, and the loss of my innocence regarding life. I guess it just takes a long time for your heart to heal?
I think the traveling is causing the depression and I turn to drinking. I'm not getting wasted every night but I know I am drinking more than I normally would. Being on the road is so lonely. I know so many people in so many cities but it never fails, at the moment I put that key in the door of my hotel room I realize it is still just me. Not that Richie would have been with me on all these trips but still, there is not that special person to call or waiting for you to call or wondering why you haven't checked in yet. I don't have that and it is so damn hard.
You feel so alone and isolated. I wish my heart was ready for love again but it's not. I'm still in love with Richie. The best thing I could have done was to say that out loud and finally just admit it. My "A" type personality wants me to be better. I set expectations throughout all this that I finally admit, I can't meet them. I push myself thinking that if I try really really hard I will be better and no one has to worry about me. But I give up, I'm not ready for a lot of things. I am not ready for any major change, oh I wish I was ready, God how much I wish I were ready to be back in the "real" world and with someone who loves me. I just can't. Richie still has my heart.
A widow friend told me that instead of working to let Richie go I need to pray that God help Richie let me go. To ask God to heal my heart and have some peace come over me that Richie has let me go and he wants me to love again. I guess it's true, when someone you love with all your heart dies you don't ever think that they "really" want you to move on. You worry that they are upset at your actions with another person so a part of you holds back?
I won't lie, everyone knows Richie and I had a hard as hell marriage. God only knows that we had our fights and we pushed each other to the limits...I think that is why this is so hard. I am scared to trust myself to let someone really love me and "want" to be with me rather than out partying or with the boys.
I am just not sure how to either let Richie go or have him let me go. I know God is working on me right now. I do know that but this healing is hurting.
My little sister said today that I am heart broken over so much and she's right...its broken over Richie dying, my marriage being gone in the blink of an eye, the hardness of my marriage, the loss of Richie's family, and the loss of my innocence regarding life. I guess it just takes a long time for your heart to heal?
5/7/07
No...I haven't let him go...
My last post is all I thought about all day today. Why can't I move forward? Is it because I haven't let him go? I can tell myself now, without a doubt that I am still in love with Richie Day. I am in love with him like I have been since January of 2000. It hasn't gone away and in some ways I have tried to put it away but its still there.
I am in love with someone who is no longer here. I am in love with a man who will never be able to tell me again he loves me. I am in love with a man who I will never touch again. His absence has not made me love him any less and it has not made the feelings disappear. If he walked in the door right now any speeches I had prepared or any questions I had would fall to the wayside because see, I still love Richie. I haven't let him go. I still love him so much.
This man, my husband, Richie Day, you see, I'm still in love with him and until I let him go I can't love anyone else. That is the truth I had to face today. I can't move forward until I let him go and I let our love go. I have to realize that he's not coming back, ever. He's gone and until I see him in heaven, I have to let him go.
God, tonight I ask you to please help me start letting him go. I need the strength to let him go. I can't do this on my own. All those years and all those problems when I never would leave him, now I have to leave him. I have to leave him with you. I have to let him go and I can't do that without your strength.
Richie, I am trying...I know you want me to let you go but as always, its hard for me to walk away from you. It is, as always, hard for me to let you go. I never was good at that...was I?
I am in love with someone who is no longer here. I am in love with a man who will never be able to tell me again he loves me. I am in love with a man who I will never touch again. His absence has not made me love him any less and it has not made the feelings disappear. If he walked in the door right now any speeches I had prepared or any questions I had would fall to the wayside because see, I still love Richie. I haven't let him go. I still love him so much.
This man, my husband, Richie Day, you see, I'm still in love with him and until I let him go I can't love anyone else. That is the truth I had to face today. I can't move forward until I let him go and I let our love go. I have to realize that he's not coming back, ever. He's gone and until I see him in heaven, I have to let him go.
God, tonight I ask you to please help me start letting him go. I need the strength to let him go. I can't do this on my own. All those years and all those problems when I never would leave him, now I have to leave him. I have to leave him with you. I have to let him go and I can't do that without your strength.
Richie, I am trying...I know you want me to let you go but as always, its hard for me to walk away from you. It is, as always, hard for me to let you go. I never was good at that...was I?
5/6/07
Letting Go?
I'm sitting up in the office tonight. I can't sleep for some reason? I watched the show, "Brothers and Sisters" tonight and it got me sad I guess. There was a scene where Nora (the widow) tells the mistress of her dead husband that she has to "let him go." It was a powerful moment for me to watch. Here was the widow telling the woman who hurt her the most by cheating with her husband to "let him go." It was hard for me to understand why she was so compassionate towards here. But then of course, it got me to thinking.
Have I let Richie go? Am I really getting "better" or "healing?" Or am I just a great actress? I'm just not sure I am moving forward. I feel as if my feet are stuck in the mud. I had a great day today, I went and walked Kennesaw mountain with Jill, then on to Hemingways where Summer met us and we drank some beers and listened to the band. A sidebar note: Summer, my cousin, moved in this weekend. Its going to be nice to have her here with Marlie and I. Makes the house seem "full" or something with life? Its comforting to hear footsteps around the house because someone is always here now?
Anyway, am I healing now or am I stalling again? I guess it always goes back to the fact that if I am getting better then it means Richie really is gone. I am no longer married and there is no chance in the immediate future for me to have children. I will be 33 without Richie this year. Another year closer to me turing 34 and then after that I will be older than him for the rest of my life. Again, if I am "healing" then he's gone and all of these things are going to happen. Now, yeah, I know, they are happening anyway, I mean, I look around and I am in awe at how the world has continued to move on without Richie in it. Its like being in a theatre of a bad movie and I can't get out of the theatre because the doors are locked.
But, the other question is, is...do I want to REALLY leave the movie? It's comforting to be in a place where you feel as if you can ignore the world (for the most part) and everyone leaves you alone. Because when you go out into the real world everyone wants to believe you are ok, you want to date, you are "looking" again for someone to love. Sometimes I think I am ready for that then sometimes I completely freak out and realize I am not. When will I be? I put my toes in the water but then I run back to the safety of the beach. It is so hard doing all of this.
I get agitated when someone asks me if I am dating and if so, do I like anyone serious. Are you kidding? How can I be serious, Richie was just here yesterday in my mind. But I know in today's society its easier for me to be with someone. See, that seems to make it all "ok." If I am a half of a whole then I'll be fine and no one needs to worry about me.
But you see, I haven't let Richie go. I haven't let our marriage go. I hold onto it so tight. I keep waiting for this miracle to happen where it stops hurting and I all of a sudden feel no pain.
So I know that I still have some work to do and I think for the time being I am ok being stuck in this mud. I need a break, I need some peace in my life, I need to work on really letting him go. I have to let go of the bad parts of our marriage, I need to forgive him for some of the things he did, I need to trust that he loved me and that if he had known he was going to die he would have done the right things and all of this wouldn't have gotten so messed up. I have to let go of his family...not just the way I have already but in my heart I have to let them go and to do that I have to forgive them for not making this right. I have to let it go because if I don't, no one else is going to forgive them either.
God, I need your strength to let Richie go. I pray for you to show me how to do this. I know that when I let Richie go I can let go of all the pain and anger I feel towards his family. If I let Richie go I know that I'll feel the peace that I should have in my heart because I am your's. I want to have your heart God. I want to have your love show through me. I pray for you to guide me down the path of forgiveness and letting Richie go.
Amen.
Have I let Richie go? Am I really getting "better" or "healing?" Or am I just a great actress? I'm just not sure I am moving forward. I feel as if my feet are stuck in the mud. I had a great day today, I went and walked Kennesaw mountain with Jill, then on to Hemingways where Summer met us and we drank some beers and listened to the band. A sidebar note: Summer, my cousin, moved in this weekend. Its going to be nice to have her here with Marlie and I. Makes the house seem "full" or something with life? Its comforting to hear footsteps around the house because someone is always here now?
Anyway, am I healing now or am I stalling again? I guess it always goes back to the fact that if I am getting better then it means Richie really is gone. I am no longer married and there is no chance in the immediate future for me to have children. I will be 33 without Richie this year. Another year closer to me turing 34 and then after that I will be older than him for the rest of my life. Again, if I am "healing" then he's gone and all of these things are going to happen. Now, yeah, I know, they are happening anyway, I mean, I look around and I am in awe at how the world has continued to move on without Richie in it. Its like being in a theatre of a bad movie and I can't get out of the theatre because the doors are locked.
But, the other question is, is...do I want to REALLY leave the movie? It's comforting to be in a place where you feel as if you can ignore the world (for the most part) and everyone leaves you alone. Because when you go out into the real world everyone wants to believe you are ok, you want to date, you are "looking" again for someone to love. Sometimes I think I am ready for that then sometimes I completely freak out and realize I am not. When will I be? I put my toes in the water but then I run back to the safety of the beach. It is so hard doing all of this.
I get agitated when someone asks me if I am dating and if so, do I like anyone serious. Are you kidding? How can I be serious, Richie was just here yesterday in my mind. But I know in today's society its easier for me to be with someone. See, that seems to make it all "ok." If I am a half of a whole then I'll be fine and no one needs to worry about me.
But you see, I haven't let Richie go. I haven't let our marriage go. I hold onto it so tight. I keep waiting for this miracle to happen where it stops hurting and I all of a sudden feel no pain.
So I know that I still have some work to do and I think for the time being I am ok being stuck in this mud. I need a break, I need some peace in my life, I need to work on really letting him go. I have to let go of the bad parts of our marriage, I need to forgive him for some of the things he did, I need to trust that he loved me and that if he had known he was going to die he would have done the right things and all of this wouldn't have gotten so messed up. I have to let go of his family...not just the way I have already but in my heart I have to let them go and to do that I have to forgive them for not making this right. I have to let it go because if I don't, no one else is going to forgive them either.
God, I need your strength to let Richie go. I pray for you to show me how to do this. I know that when I let Richie go I can let go of all the pain and anger I feel towards his family. If I let Richie go I know that I'll feel the peace that I should have in my heart because I am your's. I want to have your heart God. I want to have your love show through me. I pray for you to guide me down the path of forgiveness and letting Richie go.
Amen.
5/4/07
Hello...
My name is Stacie. I am 32 years old and I'm a widow. I can't remember much about the last year of my life. I have claimed to friends that I am going to turn "32" again because its unfair I don't remember much of that age.
I am feeling sorry for myself today. I woke up in another hotel room in another city and I was so lonely. I know I have friends I can reach out to and there are people all around me here that I can turn to also, but well, I am just sad, lonely and depressed.
Tonight I go home...to a place that is so different from what I thought it would be. I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I make progress but then I take steps back. I get close to someone, then I run...trusting another human being is just about impossible.
They say that the first year is the hardest, however all my widow friends say the 2nd year is worse. I think I kind of see what they mean? This year is when everyone thinks you are better that its time to start "fixing me up" with guys and that when I go out on a date that this guy might turn out to "be the one." I put so much pressure on myself to show others I am ok that there are no more "dark" moments I can't handle. But this morning a dark moment hit. A wave came at me and its going to be all I can do to get through this trade show and make my flight home.
I know in the morning I have to get up and take care of things. I have to wash Levi, get him his medicine and dog food. I need to go see everyone at Greg and Stacy's, not only just for myself and making myself get out of the house, but to also show them that I'm ok. They don't pressure me to go but I know if I wanted to lay in bed they would worry and I know if I go I will laugh and have fun. Richie's name will come up and as always we'll tell stories. That is a part of all our healing and its good for me to hear those stories and laugh right along with them.
I'm just sad...all this seems like work and energy that I just don't feel I have right now. But as I ride this wave out I know I'll find the strength. God always seems to give it to me if I pray and ask him for it.
So...God, please grant me the strength to get through this dark moment. I know you are the only thing that can pull me through and I ask you to please carry me until I can walk again.
I am feeling sorry for myself today. I woke up in another hotel room in another city and I was so lonely. I know I have friends I can reach out to and there are people all around me here that I can turn to also, but well, I am just sad, lonely and depressed.
Tonight I go home...to a place that is so different from what I thought it would be. I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I make progress but then I take steps back. I get close to someone, then I run...trusting another human being is just about impossible.
They say that the first year is the hardest, however all my widow friends say the 2nd year is worse. I think I kind of see what they mean? This year is when everyone thinks you are better that its time to start "fixing me up" with guys and that when I go out on a date that this guy might turn out to "be the one." I put so much pressure on myself to show others I am ok that there are no more "dark" moments I can't handle. But this morning a dark moment hit. A wave came at me and its going to be all I can do to get through this trade show and make my flight home.
I know in the morning I have to get up and take care of things. I have to wash Levi, get him his medicine and dog food. I need to go see everyone at Greg and Stacy's, not only just for myself and making myself get out of the house, but to also show them that I'm ok. They don't pressure me to go but I know if I wanted to lay in bed they would worry and I know if I go I will laugh and have fun. Richie's name will come up and as always we'll tell stories. That is a part of all our healing and its good for me to hear those stories and laugh right along with them.
I'm just sad...all this seems like work and energy that I just don't feel I have right now. But as I ride this wave out I know I'll find the strength. God always seems to give it to me if I pray and ask him for it.
So...God, please grant me the strength to get through this dark moment. I know you are the only thing that can pull me through and I ask you to please carry me until I can walk again.
5/1/07
The Changing of Me
I'm changing. The "Me" I used to know is not the same. I know that there is no way you can go through losing someone close to you without changing. But to actually live through the change is an amazing thing to feel and go through.
I look at things differently. The nice lady who works at the dentist office...would I have ever known she was a widow unless it was my story and in innocent conversation it would come out? We shared our knowledge and like best friends we gossiped about all that we went through and how our lives were so different. Who knew she was 64 and I was 32, when you are a widow there are no age requirements to relate to each other. We are together in this process and without really knowing each other, we actually know each other better than some of our closest friends.
This is how my life is different. Oh yeah, I always talked to strangers, but never did I really have a story to share with them or something in my life that might touch them. But now, when I tell my story and I share about Richie, I touch someone's life. I can tell when it helps someone and I always thank God as soon as I am alone for showing me how to help someone...in whatever small way I might have?
I'm sure someone out there has written a poem about how life is like the changing of the seasons...today I feel like its spring. I feel as if my heart is waking up from a long winter and I see the flowers beginning to bud, I see the grass turning green again, and the trees are beginning to become full. My life is changing, the old "Me" is being replaced by this new person and I am beginning to like her.
I look at things differently. The nice lady who works at the dentist office...would I have ever known she was a widow unless it was my story and in innocent conversation it would come out? We shared our knowledge and like best friends we gossiped about all that we went through and how our lives were so different. Who knew she was 64 and I was 32, when you are a widow there are no age requirements to relate to each other. We are together in this process and without really knowing each other, we actually know each other better than some of our closest friends.
This is how my life is different. Oh yeah, I always talked to strangers, but never did I really have a story to share with them or something in my life that might touch them. But now, when I tell my story and I share about Richie, I touch someone's life. I can tell when it helps someone and I always thank God as soon as I am alone for showing me how to help someone...in whatever small way I might have?
I'm sure someone out there has written a poem about how life is like the changing of the seasons...today I feel like its spring. I feel as if my heart is waking up from a long winter and I see the flowers beginning to bud, I see the grass turning green again, and the trees are beginning to become full. My life is changing, the old "Me" is being replaced by this new person and I am beginning to like her.
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