Footprints

Footprints

5/31/08

Night to Myself

When I lived at Wood Creek it seems like the nights by myself weren't so good for me now that I look back. I used to think I loved those nights but not until tonight did I realize that I didn't. They were sad more than anything. I would have some wine, surf the internet, and just enjoy being alone. But now that I am here in my new home I realize how much I love being here and that I love this house and how it makes me feel.

I knew the moment I walked in it I loved it and I know I will never regret buying it. It may be a stretch for a bit and I may need to change my spending habits for a while but I know that in the long run this is the best thing I've done in a long time.

So...here I sit tonight. I'm watching tv, Laurie and Trey came by, we all had a cocktail and I proudly showed off my new yard to them. Its been a great night. John came by before he went out on his bachelor party and even though it doesn't seem all that important that he stopped in, the gesture is huge for me.

My life is good. It really is. I won't lie, I do have down moments and as a normal person would, I worry and stress and all of that, but honestly, my life is good again.

I go to Charleston in a few weeks, Phyllis and I will have our steaks and talk about our husbands and have that "widow moment" that we both need...the shared knowledge of just how hellish grief can be, but then we will turn our conversations to John and John. Our new loves...our new future, our lives and the happiness in them now. I love our get togethers...they remind me of how far I've come and wow, I've made it and not only am I ok, but I am in love again.

God, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for alllowing me to love again, to smile again, to live again. Life is amazing...I am so lucky to have lived this life, even with all the hardships, because you gave this life to me and for that I am truly thankful. And God, thank you for John...its hard to put that in words, but thank you for the amazing person you have given me and I just ask that you stay with us and help us as we continue to grow with each other.

5/19/08

My Best Friend

I love how he always fills the sink full of water for KC
I love how he loves "Cops" like me
I love how badly he sings to country music-yet he thinks he's not bad
I love how he piles all the pillows on my side of the bed every night (and giggles when I come in the room)
I love how he gets excited when the goldfish are out
I love how he thinks my dad has "mean" cows on the farm
I love how he concentrates when he's cutting the grass
I love how he remembers to turn on the sound machine for me at night
I love how he loves to gossip with me
I love how he makes me smile whenever I am around him
I love how he holds my hand in his sleep
I love how when we go to sleep, he always makes our feet touch
I love his eyes and the freckles under them
I love that he's in love with me...and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

5/12/08

New Blog?

It kind of feels that way after the last week. I'm not coming here so much to write about Richie, widowhood or any of the grief I have experienced in the last 2 years. This is a different blog for me now...its so much more about my life today and tomorrow.

I'm putting my fears and insecurities aside and I'm finally burying my demons. I'm pretty glad that this day has finally come. I was told two years ago that one morning I would wake up and Richie and his death would not be the first thing on my mind and now it isn't.

When I wake up, John is always the first thing I think of and the first person I look for whether he is there or not. If I wake up in the middle of the night, he's who I wish I was with if I'm alone and he's the last thing I think of when I fall back asleep.

I know that my experience will always be with me, its a part of who I am and who John fell in love with. I'm just really grateful that God gave me this second chance at this. I want to do it right this time.

I'm really excited to know that when I got on here today, I wasn't scared to start making this about me and my life now. I wasn't even sad that my writings weren't going to be about Richie and grief so much anymore. I guess I finally feel that after last night, I need and want to let it go.

It's time to realize that yes, I was widowed but it does not define me anymore. I'm John's girlfriend and you know, there is nothing I'd rather be defined by.

Unconditional Love

"I will love you for the rest of my days, and will love you beyond the world as we know it. Beyond forever, beyond always. Loving you is what I was put here to do."

5/10/08

Our Footprints

Have you really ever thought about your "footprints" in life? Where you have been, what you have done and what impact it made on the world around you?

The past week I've been thinking a lot about how as we get older we have to start thinking about those things. At some point, we are responsible for our actions and how the decisions we make can change the course of our lives forever. I know, deep huh?

This week I visited an old friend and one of Richie's best friends. We talked a lot about my marriage to him and the ups and downs. I regret so much...I regret that I let him continue to treat me the way he did for so long, but I am thankful that I stuck it out so that he wasn't alone and never had to wonder if he was loved. I guess what I realize is that I was the one who just never really knew if I was loved. I was the one that kind of took the brunt of all his demons and I guess that is just how God wanted it? I was the one that needed to be "that" person for Richie.

But as I have entered into the 3rd year without him I am finding a little bit of my old self coming out again which is a really good thing but I'm also finding that my insecurities and old ways of dealing with things is coming out too.

I found the paper where Cathy and I talked about what I wanted from my next relatinoship. It listed 3 things. #1- I want to never be insecure about how much my husband loves me. #2- I never want to lay awake at night wondering where he is. #3- I want in-laws that let my husband put me first and I want a husband that truly believes what is in the bible- that husband and wifew are "one" and that no one comes before your spouse.

When I read those things again now I know that I still feel the same. Those are the three things that I feel I didn't have. I just have to figure out how to be strong enough to demand them and expect them as part of my marriage and never doubt that I deserve them.

5/6/08

I'm hurt. I don't really even know where to go with that after typing it. How do you protect yourself from getting hurt? I've always been someone to love unconditionally. If I give you my heart, its all I have to give...but when I get hurt, I'm not sure how to make it better? Especially when I have never loved someone so much.