Comfort of the road...

I often complain about traveling but this week when I took off for Salt Lake I was actually looking forward to being with my close friends in SLC and the hotels that have become so important to me over the years. This trip always seems to calm me...maybe its because of being so close to the mountains and nature, maybe its because I get to go skiing and for me, that is just the nicest sport I do. It is so nice to be out there in the quiet skiing and being outdoors. I love it. It was the thing I did that month after Richie died. I went with some friends to Snowbird and I skiied and for a few hours forgot about the pain and just let myself be alone with all the grief.

The past few weeks have been stressful. Trying to take care of the house and all the things that need to be fixed or "updated" to sell it have just gotten to me. I wasn't expecting to have to drop $4000 on these items. Thank goodness my bonus comes in March so I can just use that money but I was planning to put most of that away. I keep thinking that there are so many things I need to save for in the future- a wedding, because I can't expect mom and dad to pay again? Things for my new home- I'm sure things are going to come up with that if/when I move, and a car, because 130K is what is reading on my dash these days. Don't know if my car is going to continue to make it. I know it is always something for everyone and I know I am lucky to have a nest egg, but it just really sometimes scares me that one day all that money will disappear and I will wonder what I did with it all.

I hate thinking of the insurance money as a way to take care of these things. I guess I just always have felt that one day I would "know" what that should be used for. It doesn't seem right to use it for wedding or a new house? I don't know, its just confusing...as everything seems to be when dealing with the things related to Richie's death. So many choices and so many worries that I am not making the right ones?

So...for now I am glad to be here in SLC. John is here with me, he got in late last night, and I am sure right about now he's heading down a mountain with big grin on his face. I'm so lucky he is here with me. Every day I still look at him in wonder, how did we find each other? I know that God has a plan and I know that John is my future, I guess it is just hard sometimes to realize that this time, God made it easy for me...he gave me someone who really does love me and it doesn't have to be so much work. I just want to try hard not to push me or him...and that is kind of hard to balance. I try so hard to "rush" my future. I guess because when I am with John, there really is no other place I want to be.

Richie, I really do hope you are proud of me and the decisions I am making. I try to stay calm and think them through like I know you would want. I don't want to disappoint you and I want you to one day be able to tell me how proud you were of how I managed during all this time.