Christmas Letter to Richie

12/11/07

Dear Richie,

As I sit down to write you this letter so many things come to mind that I want to share with you. I first want to wish you a very Merry Christmas…when I think of the celebration in Heaven I realize that you are seeing and experiencing things that we down here on earth can only imagine. As much as I miss you I know that you are where you need to be and are saving us all a place up there next to you at the table.

I am doing better this second Christmas without you. I won’t lie, last year was pretty horrible. I know that you watched me as I fought my way through it and I felt your admiration as you saw me have the courage to not give up. I think that is why I tried so hard to not give up, I know you would want me to live the life that you can no longer have on this earth. I had so many ups and downs and felt many days like I was completely losing it but I continued to fight because I knew at some point the pain would not be as intense, and this year, it isn’t.

Levi is holding up…he is getting a little older and a little slower but he is doing well. He is sleeping inside when it gets cold just like you taught me to do for him and he manages to snore louder than me on occasion! He and KC are best friends and some nights they even sleep on the same blanket in front of the fire!

Mom and dad are doing well. The farm is still the same, dad continues to “collect” things and Brad has become his “farmer in training.” He has gone over and carried on our tradition of cutting firewood and when he talks about it he does that “Funhouse” grin from ear to ear. I think it has been good for dad to have him enjoy it as much as you did…I think it has helped heal my dad’s broken heart over losing you. Mom has really helped me a lot. At first I was so mean to everyone, trying to push them away to hide the hurt but I finally realized that what I was going through was normal and as much as I wanted to “heal” fast I couldn’t…I had to take it one step at a time.

Laurie, Trey and Emie are doing so well…they built a new house that you would just love and now have a fourth member of their family- Edward. He is so cute Richie. Emie is the doting little sister and she hasn’t changed much except she has gotten a little more bossy but who can blame her... look at her gene pool. She never stood a chance. She has mentioned your name from time to time and Laurie tells me that she prays every night for you in her prayers…so you are always close on her heart. I know Laurie and Trey miss you a lot…your name is always mentioned in their home and they have continued to help me heal and for that I will forever be grateful.

Chuck, Michelle and the crazy Conerly’s are doing well too. Caroline is growing up so much! You wouldn’t even believe it. And my sweet little Sam…he has that Georgia Tech mind that made you and Pop Pop so special. He’s so kind and when we talk on the phone we always have a contest on “who loves each other more.” He has my heart. Oh and Latson, can’t forget him…he has the energy of a thousand light bulbs! That child never stops! He is all over the place and poor Michelle seems to always be chasing him!

The D-Team is healing too…those first few months were hell for all of us. I practically lived at Rad and Helen’s. Every time I saw Jarrett I cried…I actually still do to this day. Their children are growing up…Derek and Lori’s twins are amazing and so incredible to watch. Austin and Sloan are so special to me…I guess a part of me realizes that to carry on your memory I need to always stay in their lives. And Jace, oh Richie, he is so cute…looks just like Michelle but has Jarrett’s smile. Michelle sends me text messages from him all the time and I think he must smile every day.

Finally…I know you would want to hear that I saw your mom the other night for the first time. It was very hard for both of us but it felt so right to see her. When I saw her hands I remembered how yours looked just like here’s and you favored her in so many ways. She tells me that your dad and Kim are doing ok. She said Kim has had a rough time with it but that she seems to be doing better. They all miss you so much Richie and I know that nothing in their lives will ever be the same but I do know they are not giving up and they continue to honor you in their lives each and every day.

You would be so proud of all of us…we have all fought the fight as much as we can through this. It has been a tough few years but I am so proud to say none of us gave up. We have stayed close and not grown apart. I am so lucky that you were in my life for the short time I had you and I am so blessed that you gave me such a wonderful group of friends. I know without them or my family I would not have made it through the hard times.

Well Fred Day…it is time for me to say goodbye. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I know you will continue watching me and I know that you have a hand in my life daily…and I know that you are proud of me for opening up my heart and letting someone else in. It was hard to understand how to do that but each day John helps me and we continue to work together to have an amazing relationship. He values the life I had with you and I know that he will continue to do so and that is what makes me think that somehow you and God worked out this plan for me to meet him.

Richie, a part of my heart will always be with you and one day I can’t wait to see you again to share some of this journey with you face to face. You were an amazing person who touched my life and for that I will forever be indebted.

Merry Christmas Fred Day...

Love,
Stacie

Broken Road Lyrics

I was so broken before, but slowly my life is coming back and I am finding that you can love twice in your life...and the second time around can be just as sweet. There are going to be times when I am still healing but at least now I can see a future.

Bless The Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to youI think about the years

I spent just passing throughI'd like to have the time
I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is trueT
hat God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Another New Chapter

I'm living alone again...

As I made the decision to do this I never really looked back. I knew that it was time for me to live alone again and the day it hit me I knew it was what I really wanted. John and I have gotten very serious and as talks have continued to focus on our future together, I realized that I needed to be alone in that house for a while. You know, to truly do this on my own with no one helping. To prove to myself that I did have time that was for just me and that I made that home my home.

I'm excited...I think it's a new time for me. A "pause" in a way. A time in my life that I have for only me until the next step happens. The house is still for sale. I have gotten a few bites but I actually don't want it to sell now until after the first of the year. I'd love to spend the holidays there. I want another big tree, another few nights with a fire and the kids (Levi and KC). I need these nights...to continue my goodbyes to not only Richie but to that life I used to have.

I'm falling more and more in love with John each day. I didn't think I had room in my heart to love someone like this again? I mean, it is like my heart grew? The love I feel for John is so solid. There is nothing we don't talk about. I share my most intimate thoughts with him and I have never been able to do that with another living soul. There have been times when I just look at him in awe- how does he put up with me? My talking for God's sake?! But he actually told me after 6 hours of hiking in North Georgia this weekend that and I got permission to quote this..."I love hearing you talk Stacie." Of course Rad laughed and was like, "Yeah right...he's only known you 4 months!" But I actually think he does love to hear me talk!

As we walked and the quiet of nature was around us I realized that there was no other human being on this earth that I trusted more. How can that be? I've only known him 4 months. I laid in bed that night and silently told God that he had answered my prayers.

I remember sitting in the backyard a few days after Richie died. I felt like I was coming out of my skin and was not sure what to do, where to go or well, I didn't know much of anything. But I prayed and begged God to please help me. I know in so many ways he has but in no bigger way does it show in the man he sent me.

John walked in the Heart Walk with me and my family. That to me is a true test of character...he stands by me and my passions and Richie and what happened to me will always be a passion.

So, next week I begin a new chapter...I am meeting a mother and a grandmother to an amazing man. I can't wait to get to know them and to tell them just what he has done for me. I want his mother to know what an incredible loving son she has raised. A man who will hug me and hold my hand when everyone and no one is looking. A man who is not afraid to tell me he loves me 10 times a day...a man who I know just by looking into his eyes, loves me more than anything on this earth.

Thanksgiving will be a moment...a sad one and a happy one as I step fully into the next chapter of my life.

Demons

Have you ever felt as if the demons of your past could take you over? As I sit here in another hotel in another hotel room I realize that my demons can still reach me. Richie and I had so many problems and as much as I try to bury them deep within me they always seem to come out. In the weirdest ways, strangest times, they come out and they scare me into believing that I am not worth a new life. That his death is a punishment for everything I couldn't fix or make better within us?

I carry this with me...and it is such a heavy burden. I want to love without doubt, without fear but my scars are so deep that when I think it is all better and that I am "finally" better I realize I am just alone in a hotel room staring at myself in the mirror...wondering where my life is going next. Will I one day wake up alone again? Will John love me forever or will one day he look at me and realize I am not worth all this?

That is what deep scars I have...when Richie died...a part of me died with him. I will never get it back. I will never be a whole person again. I will always wonder, would if "he" dies again and leaves me? What will stop life from taking him from me again. Some people fear this all their lives but very few of us know what this fear feels like as you try to save someone's life. When I did CPR on Richie I knew he was dead. I knew deep inside me he was not waking up. My heart knew that he was gone. And with the last breath I blew into him I knew a part of me was gone and would never be found again. I was innocent when I walked in the door last night but when I left that house going to the hospital I became and adult in a way I never thought was possible. I became an adult in a way my mom and dad will never understand.

Its just me...I'm alone in this...even a year and a half later. I am the one fighting the demons that still haunt me. As I sit here in this hotel room I feel the emptiness, the heaviness of widowhood. The realization that I know I will never be the same. I know that everyone around me thinks that I am now "ok" I am "fine" I am dating someone...so that means that I am "better" but I know better I know that yeah, I love someone again, I am so happy with him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but I know that the demons are with me...they always are. They aren't going away anytime soon and I can smile, laugh, and put on the "happy face" but I know that the demons will remain with me.

The holidays are approaching again...he is not here, he is in the ground in Albany. He is not here to share in the warmth of the holidays...he is buried in a lonely place that I can't hold his hand or tell him how much I miss him or how much I loved him. These are the demons...the images of my past. The images of my future that are so torn between John and what it would it have been with Richie...John brings me such happiness...he makes me smile. He looks at me and I know that he loves me...see, I know I am the love of his life. And God, that makes me feel so amazing...

Demons...they can haunt us and hurt us but God, please help me put these in the past...

Stronger

I'm stronger now...just a year ago going into the holidays I was not doing that well. I was so nervous about Halloween because its like the "door opening" holiday that leads into the big holidays. Thanksgiving then Christmas then New Years...the day that NO ONE wants to not have a date!

But this year I have found out I am stronger this go around and it feels good. I am standing up for myself...I will no longer be a doormat for certain people and I have realized that if I am going to get upset over something and cry it had better be something damn good. This week I cried and then I got angry...really angry. I was crying over something so trival, so petty, so ridiculously elementary compared to everything I went through when Richie died. How could I let something so small get me so upet? I don't want to be like that and I am stronger than that.

Life is short...and we have to live it to the fullest. We have to remember who our friends are and only surround ourselves with positive influences. We have to keep those close to us that only enhance our lives, not bring them down.

I guess I am realizing that I can take great knowledge from what I've been through and it is time now for me to stand on my own and be strong for myself. I want to be happy, I want to love and love as much as I can, and I want to only have people around me who I can count on each and every day and I know in return I am giving them all I can give back.

God, I ask that you please help me forgive those who have hurt me but to also be able to hold myself up and do what is best for me. I pray that you show me the roads to take to accomplish this and I thank you for every friend I have that has supported me and have let me lean on them in every weak moment. Richie, thank you for being a part of my life and for teaching me things each day we were together. I am taking these things forward and will learn from all our greatest accomplishments together and also all of our mistakes.

Scarred forever?

Last night John and I had a great evening together. He surprised me at my tennis match and then we met later at my house to make dinner and watch tv. I love our Sunday nights together. We have made it our tradition to make sure we make dinner together and spend quality time alone. These nights are so special to me.

He wasn't feel really well though last night. He hurt himself working out..that in itself causes me to get worried but I try not to show it. But deep down I get panicky. I have now given myself to someone else. I have opened my heart up to the possibility of a future with this man, but would if something happens to him?

The part that got me really scared was that he was tired and wanted to go to bed early. Now I know, for a normal person, that is not abnormal but for me it is a red flag, a warning I should pay close attention to because I didn't with Richie. Richie was tired night after night for about two weeks before he died. He would go to bed early and sleep for 12 hours on a normal worknight. But I didn't think anything of it. I thought he was just stressed.

So last night I laid there, literally watching John sleep. I would put my hand on his chest to make sure I could hear his heart and feel his breathing. I felt like a freak but I couldn't stop. At one point I even cried a little...because I felt so crazy. Am I out of my mind? I am sure if he woke up and saw what I was doing he would wonder what the heck was wrong with me?!?! I know I would if I woke up and he was laying there watching my every breath.

Am I scarred forever, am I going to be like this for years and years? Will I do this to my children? Will I always wonder that they are going to fall asleep and not wake up. My friends say that they get this way with their new babies...that makes me so nervous because if "normal" people are like that then what will I be like? The extreme?

I can't lose John. I worry about it every single day. I look online and I see a car crash on the news and I make sure i pull up pictures so I can see what kind of car it is and make sure it is not his. I watch for his calls/texts throughout the day because if a long time goes by (a few hours at the most) I seriously begin to worry. I wish that I could say I am exaggerating but I'm not and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I hate to show that I have this crazy worry side to me that sometimes takes control of me and I have to find him or talk to him to make it calm down.

God, please help me have peace in my heart and know that you are going to take care of me and you will make sure that everything is ok. God, even as I type this prayer to you I know that if it is in your will to take John or someone close to me, I can't do anything about it and that terrifies me. I can't go through another funeral...not for a while.

Love

That word has so many meanings. It means something different to everyone and it also can mean something different depending on what you are referring to.

This past weekend John and I took our first trip together. Even though we've only been seeing each other for two months I feel as if I have met my best friend after years apart. It is like I have always known him? From the moment we got in the car to drive to Gulf Shores until the moment we pulled into my garage we never stopped talking. We talked about everything.

He knew some of the details of the night Richie died but he had never heard them from me...so this was accidentally the opportunity that came up for me to talk to him. I just let it all out. I told him how it felt to find him, what I had been doing, the fact that my friendship with Stacy isn't the same and I blame that night, how I spent many many nights crying and drinking at Rad and Helen's and lastly how this all hurt my family and friends watching me try to not drown in all the grief.

I told him how I used to be such a control freak and how now things just aren't that important to me to control. He listened...and listened and listened. He did share things in his life but mainly he let me talk. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him these things. I felt almost desperate as I began to talk becuase there was so much I wanted to share with him. I guess a part of me just felt that he has to know it all or else how can he really love me?

But he does...John loves me. He takes me for who I am and he takes my past and respects it. I am amazed by his feelings for me. I am amazed that someone out there can love me this much or take all my faults and still love me.

When he looks at me I feel how much he cares about me. There are days when he really finishes my sentences or I will be thinking something and he will say it out loud. I have never felt a connection with someone like I do with him.

I love him...without a doubt, without a single question and I hope that he will be my future. I know only time will tell but if my heart is any indication I will always love him.

Rehersal Dinner Night...3 years gone by

I can't lie, this day and tomorrow have been on my mind the last few days and it hurts to be going through them without Richie.

Mom and I talked last night and we talked about how yes, I am happy with John but that and Richie's death/my grief all have nothing to do with each other. I guess it goes back to what I have written about before...me meeting someone is not going to all of a sudden make me "better." And I guess what sometimes I want to ask people is, "What is better?" Yes, I can function now. I am eating again, I go to work, I am dating, I smile more, I'm falling in love again...but I guess for me sometimes I am still "functioning." There are still days that I get depressed...yeah, its "better" but again, when you go past "better?"

I told mom that there just isn't a sparkle in me anymore. I see it and I know my family does. Holidays, birthdays, special occasions, they just aren't what they used to be anymore. I don't get overly excited and I am not sad when I miss something. I am just not happy deep down inside and like I told mom, I am not sure if I will ever get that back? Does a widow ever feel that happiness again or do widows now just know reality and that nothing is worth getting all "giddy" about anymore? I am not saying that's bad but I guess the best word to describe me and my "gut" feelings is that I am just now more "practical."

God, I miss my husband. I miss my wedding day and the feeling of happiness I had. That day I was a bride and I was marrying the only guy in the world for me.

3 Years Later

Three years ago today I was I was working on last minute details for my upcoming wedding. I had been waiting for this day all my life and especially over the last 6 years. I was finally going to marry Richie.

If someone asked me what was my favorite part of my wedding I know easily what I would say. It would be the minutes that I walked towards Richie in the covered bridge. See, those were "our" moments. There is a covered bridge on the grounds at Shiloh. My dad helped the men of the church recreate it years ago. It even has the wooden nails in it...anyway, as we were trying to work out the details of where Richie and I would see each other before the ceremony I knew in an instant where I wanted that to be. I wanted it outside (that was for Richie's love of the outdoors) and somewhere that no one could really see us in this private moment. That moment was just ours.

When I walked up to him I was smiling and the first thing he said to me was, "You look really pretty." He was so nervous. He was sweating...probably a bit from the liquor he drank on the golf course...but he was shaking a bit too. I hugged him and he kissed me just a tad (not wanting to mess up my lipstick) but we hugged. I remember thinking that this was it, I was going to be with Richie the rest of my life. That was a wonderful moment and now a very special memory to me. I am so blessed to have that burned in my mind because I never want to forget it. In that moment he was flesh and blood. He was real. He was in my arms and our future was endless.

I have felt so weird the last couple of days...one minute I am ok then the next I feel all weird. I think its because in one respect, my life is going so well. I have met someone and I am giving my heart to him. I smile every time he crosses my mind and I look forward anxiously to the minutes I get to see him next. I am falling in love again and it feels really good.

But in the next sentence I think of my past and the life I had with Richie. Where did all our plans go? Where is that future with kids and a house on some land with a small pond? I grieve my past life. I grieve that loss of someone I spent every night with, a person who I knew every inch of. I can close my eyes still and envision his hands, his smile, the way his stomach felt when I would put my hand on it when I laid on his shoulder watching tv. See, that is my grief, that is my confusion. When will this all even out then today's life start to beome more prominent? Right now it still feels a little more weighted towards my old life if if that makes sense?

I am in love with someone new and I am still loving the one in my past. It is so confusing for me and I don't want to dishonor either one of them. I am in love with a reality and I am still loving and grieving a ghost. How much more crazier can this get?

Happy wedding anniversary Richie...I will spend the day honoring you and our vows. I love you still even though death took you away from me. You will forever be in my heart and I will always remember our wedding day for what it was...the happiest day in my life.

September 11, 2001- Remembering and Sharing

As you can imagine my widow board is alive with activity today. So many are sending out prayers to the widows of 9/11 but they are also sending out thank you's to the widows who began our website that same fateful day. How strange is it that one of the largest grief websites on the internet today was launched that exact same morning, on that exact same day from a city in the same general area?

As I read some of the posts and I see how each widow/er is sharing their story of that day I realized that these widow/ers had an entire world grieving with them that day. They were no alone in their grief. How blessed they were, even though they probably didn't realize it for many years, to have so many there to comfort them.

Of course this makes me think of the days following Richie's death. The days that were the most blinded by pain but the one thing I am constantly reminded of were the people who kept coming in my door. The friends who came and stayed for days on end. Only leaving to make trips to the grocery store or to do something related to helping me. How did I manage to get along those first few weeks? I can tell you without a hesitation in my voice...my family and friends. They were steadfast and solid, never wavering and always there. They are the only reason I am here today and I am as strong as I am. They were the ones who picked up the pieces and helped me put it all back together when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep and never wake back up. They didn't let me and for that I will forever be greatful.

That morning of September 11th I was with two really good friends from Georgia Pacific and we were on our way out the door to a funeral for my boss' dad. We saw the story unfold on the tv but had to leave. Once we got on the road we listened to the radio until we got to the service. God spared us a lot of the actual real time news that day by having us attend Diane's dad's funeral. Irony? He was a highly decorated military official. We saw the flag being folded for Diane and the bagpipes were played. It was a surreal experience to be there at that moment when the world was watching what was happening.

That afternoon I went straight to Richie's. He was building a new door on his fence for Levi. We sat in silence a lot and then I would go in and watch some news and come back out with a report for him. We talked about how things were going to be different and we talked about how it was inevitable we were going to war. Richie didn't say a whole lot, as he wasn't one to share what he really was feeling all that much, but as the day went on we both knew that our lives were forever changed by what we had seen. That night he called Aimee...I will never forget. At the time I was mad, but now, looking back, he was reaching out to her because on that day, didn't we all reach out to someone that we hadn't talked to in a long time?

Today brings back so many memories for me of Richie and the pain of losing him. But it also gives me hope to see where the 9/11 widows on my board are today...some have families, some have gone on to start new careers and some have created amazing memorials for their loved ones. I have hope that in 6 years I will be healed a little bit more and the pain of losing Richie will continue to develop into a bittersweet memory.

God, thank you for giving me this peace in my heart each day.

Skeptism...Protective or Negative?

When Richie died I can't tell you how many people...friends and family told me, "Oh, one day you will meet someone that will make you happy and after going through all of this you will 'just know' that that person is the one." I was told so many times that what Ihad been through would help me figure out what it was I really wanted and needed in the next relationship.

So...here we are, almost 17 months later and I've met someone. I keep thinking of that saying that you hear "when you meet the right person you will know because they bring out the best in you." I understand now what that means. John is such an amazing and caring person. It is hard to put into words how I feel about him. I tried to explain to my mom how I'm older now and that this time around I am a different person going into love. And I know my heart well enough to know that it wouldn't go down this road unless what I felt was true. I am in love with him, even after this short amount of time. I know that he is special and I know that what I am feeling for him isn't going to go away anytime soon if it ever does? A 33 years old and as a widow I know that I'm in love.

Now for the point of this...almost everyone close to me has reacted with skeptism. At first they all wanted to know about John and to hear details about us and what was going on but as this has gotten serious faster than what they think is "appropriate" they are reacting with complete skeptism. When I told my mom that this was real I swear, I think I heard crickets...then I was told, "Well, just wait and see where it goes." I guess I thought that I was going to get some sort of happy reaction because after 17 months of rebuilding my life I have met someone and am very happy.

I just don't get it...when I asked her, my sister and the others why they are skeptical I have been told its that they are protective of me. That's great...I completely understand it but why can't the first reaction be happy...they later, between themselves they share their worries? Why do they have to tell me or let me know they are skeptical.

I guess I just wish they understood that their doubts come off as negative. The one positive thing though that I do have is my friends...they all love John and are happy for us. Yes, they are protective and worry about me, but they also trust me and know that in the last year, with the odds not always on my side, I've made good decisions. They've watched me think things through, stay true to myself and take things as they come. Maybe if others would think before they react to my news they would have time to remember all of that as well.

But for now, I'm in love again and wherever it does go...I am glad I took the chance to try it again.

Chapter Two?

I have been wanting to write about this for a while but I didn't really know how to write it. Especially on here...but since this seems to be where I open up and share my life and the things new.

So...here it goes...I've met someone very special. I want to say it was a chance meeting but that doesn't seem to give this justice. I kind of sort of met him through friends but I have seen him around before and the first time I ever saw him I thought he was cute and I wanted to meet him. I called him my "crush." Then one night I got the opportunity to take a leap of faith and actually talk to him. When I hear that line, "You had me at hello" it seems to make perfect cheesy sense to me because that is what I said to him...I walked right up to him and said hello and shook his hand. Now what is surprising is that he didn't look at me like I was a freakshow and run. Nope, instead, he shook my hand and we ended up talking the rest of the night. We've been seeing each other ever since.

I am not sure where this is going but I know that I like him a lot and I seem to want to spend as much time as I can with him. I have prayed for someone to come into my life...someone to love me and to accept who I am now. I guess because I know how different I am and although he didn't know me before Richie's death, there are things about me that are so different now. I react different to things, I am scared of so much but I am also not scared of things that most people normally are.

I am happy to spend time with someone for the first time in a very long time. I think about him when I am not with him and I look forward to seeing him every chance I get. I used to hate flying home and making the drive to my house. I was always so sad thinking of how my life just wasn't good? But now when I land I think of him. I think of seeing him and how he makes me laugh. And that is probably the most imporant...he makes me laugh.

So...Richie, if you are up there looking down...be happy for me because he is really special.

Returning Home...

I am sitting in the Charles de Gaul airport lounge waiting for my flight. I've been uploading pictures to myspace and smiling at all the memories I created these past 10 days.

To say this trip has changed my life would be an understatment. Maybe it makes no sense to anyone else out there but I am coming back different. I traveled somewhere by myself...no, not completely by myself but it was all up to me to get here, to pay for things, to see things and to experience Italy and Paris for myself.

I am no longer the widow...the girl who lost her husband at 31 years old. I know there are many people who will always identfy myself as that girl, but I am no longer her to myself. Just being here, half way around the world...seeing all the different ways of life. The different cultures, traditions and every day occurances has made me shed that widowness.

It no longer is my definition and I will no longer feel as if that is the most important thing someone should know about me when they meet me. I won't be scared to share that part of me but it won't be the defining characteristic of myself.

I'm excited to come home but sad to leave. This has been an incredible trip and I will cherish it forever. Even if I come back, this trip will be the most important to me.

God, please be with me as I fly home today...you gave me something in this trip that I am eternally greatful for and I know that this time has helped me heal in many ways.

Richie, I still love you with all my heart but slowly, that love is now deeper in different way. I know that you were with me as I flew over the alps, I felt you there. I love you Richie, and I know that you are proud of me...I think of you every single day.

Italy

What an amazing trip this has been so far. It started with us getting to Turino late Thursday night. Shayna and Paolo came and picked us up and we went to our hotel. Now saying hotel puts it lightly. Uncle Ricky has us all booked at a 1000 year old castle. I can't even begin to describe how gorgeous it was and the views I was able to see. My most awesome moment was at sunrise on Monday morning. I couldn't sleep very well so I went for a walk at 6am. I went to this area at the castle where I could sit on the roof. So there I was, me and just the moment when the sun came over the alps. I have never felt as close to God as I did at that moment and I was so in awe of what he had created.

Shayna's wedding was picture perfect. I was proud of myself because I was truly happy for her. Weddings have been very hard these past 15 months but her's was different for me. My heart was so full of love for her and the life she was going to share with such an amazing man as Paolo is. I did cry during the "till death do us part" and I guess I always will. I am so glad I was there and I feel as if here in Italy I am letting Richie go even more but more importantly, I am finding that I am happy again. I am laughing and joking and more and more being a widow is not defining me. Its not the first thing I want to tell someone when I meet them...its not the scarlet "W" I felt I was wearing before. I am freeing myself of all of it and I can't explain it but Italy has been what has helped.

Monday morning I took the train with Ricky and Vicki and we went to Milan. We had lunch- yes at McDonald's- we were all a little tired of the huge meals we had been having. So we lunched and had a lot more laughs then they headed to Venice and I went to Rome. I met Kaki here and today we walked and walked and saw some incredible sights. Tomorrow we are going to sightsee some more then Thursday actually take it easy then we fly into Paris on Friday and we'll spend 24 hours there. Then Saturday I head home.

I've got someone waiting for me there and even though I am unsure of what it is, I am very excited to see him and spend time with him. It has taken me 15 months to feel this way about someone. And this is the first time I don't feel guilty or worry about what others think. So no matter what happens my life is going forward and finally I am happy about that. There is no guilt that I lived and he did not. Maybe a part of me has forgiven myself for not being the one who died that night? I always wished it had been me up until these last few weeks. I just felt that if it had been me the pain would have been easier on everyone but I am finally realizing that it wouldn't. And I finally realize that Richie doesn't want me to feel guilty. He wants me to live my life and to enjoy every second. He wants me to be a good person and do good things for others and to use his death as a positive thing and not negative. I've tried to do that but it is finally settling in that it really is ok that I am alive.

God, thank you for this wonderful opportunity. I am in awe of these places you created and I feel very blessed to have been able to see them in my lifetime.

Italy

Tomorrow at this exact moment I will be sitting at dinner with all my cousins and Shayna's groom's parents at their farm in Northwest Italy.

I am still amazed I will be there in just 12 hours. These last few days leading up to it have been overwhelming. There are many reasons for that but for the first time in my life I don't really want to share...I am keeping it to myself until I understand just what it is.

I'm so anxious about the flight but what is making it easy is that Summer and her boyfriend Marwan are with me on my flight and then Whitney and her husband Mike are on our same flight in Paris to Turino. It just makes me feel better knowing someone on the plane is family. I know, sounds so ridiculous but its just true. I feel comforted knowing they are with me.

I wonder if Richie is proud of me for taking this trip. I wonder what he would have to say about this trip? I've got his wedding ring on for the trip. I haven't worn it in a while but today I put it on. I guess I want him to be "with" me on the trip? I want to somehow feel as if he is sharing this experience with me.

So, with that I've got to shut down and get my things ready. Hopefully I'll get some time to write from there and update you on how I am doing.

God, thank you for this opportunity...I know I am very lucky to be able to take this trip. I ask that you and Richie watch over me as I take another step forward in my life.

Longest Trip Away From Home

In the last three years I have been on the road so much...175,000 miles to be exact. I have traveled all over the US and Canada with a few trips to Mexico here and there. But I've never been as far as I am about to go and well, to sum it up, I'm pretty nervous.

Shayna is getting married in Turin, Italy and when she announced it I knew that that is where I wanted to use Richie's Skymiles. I booked the trip without really looking back. I was ready. I've spent the last month planning and asking others to go with me and Kaki is going to now meet me in Rome.

Most of the time when I have a vacation planned I research it and I plan and plan, but not this one. I haven't let myself look at one internet site or read one book. In fact, I haven't really wanted to. The last few weeks I have talked about it a lot and listened as others have given me advice on what to do and where to go but I haven't let myself really believe I am going.

I think its because I am so scared to be so far from home. What if something happens to someone and I am not here? Such a simple fear that is not unrealistic but I guess after losing Richie my fear is a little more powerful. I have felt anxious and sick to my stomach today thinking about it. I am really going far away from everything I am familiar with. In the last year and 1/2 all I have bounced from wanting to be around the familiar to wanting to be around the unknown so I can disappear into the crowds and not be, "Stacie the Widow."

Come Monday I fly to Boston and have meetings then Summer will meet me there and she and I will board the plane and head out Wednesday night for Turin. Then I'll take a train from there on Monday to meet Kaki in Rome. We'll spend a few days there then head to a night in Paris before we fly home. I know I am ready and I know this is something I truly want to do but I'm nervous...I want to enjoy every single minute of it. I don't want my widowhood to be apart of this trip at all...I just want to be a little American girl traveling abroad with her friend and expereiencing a new adventure.

Richie, I hope you are up there watching me take this step and are proud of me...the old Stacie would have never done this without you. This would have been a trip I would have had to talk you into but I know you would have gone with me and I know you would have loved seeing it all with me. I miss you and think of you all the time...I hate that I am living this life and you were not given that chance. I miss you Richie...so much...

Life Changes

Wow...I'm selling the house...there are changes going on here at work, I'm dating...life is changing and I'm trying hard to just go with the changes.

I'm not sure where I'm going though and what these changes will mean? I'm not looking for someone to marry...I'm not looking for anything serious...I am the complete opposite of all my single friends. Yeah, I'm lonely and I want to have someone to do things with but I also am so protective of my heart these days. I will meet someone, start to like them but I also realize I don't put all my cards on the table. I hide my being a widow for the most part. I do this for two reasons- one I hate that that is what people define me by when they find out. Secondly, I know that when I let someone in to that part of my life I am vulnerable. I do not want to be vulnerable and I don't want pity.

Confusing huh? It's even more so in my head and heart! One minute I think, "Ok, I've got this." Then the next I am all emotionally wrapped up into something or someone and I lose control again. See...I'm all over the map with this!

The house selling is going well. I have had a lot of people look at it and there are a couple of people that are looking promising? I hope so...I know selling is going to be crazy, I mean, where am I going to go?! But I know that if I go ahead and sell it I will be glad I did and maybe, just maybe with all the things going on in my life the hurt won't settle in too much because I won't have time to think about it.

Saying goodbye to my home will be hard but saying goodbye to the life I had with Richie there is going to be even tougher. But, I'm ok...I am really ok.

Death of a friend...

When my mom called me this morning to tell me that Laura had committed suicide I have to admit, I wasn't shocked. Laura was someone that for many years hurt so deep inside that it was hard to even understand the pain she was in.

I will never forget running into her when I was junior in high school, at a store in our home town. I was telling her how I was looking for a summer job, not sure exactly what I was going to do but I was looking. She told me about this drug awareness camp for underpriviledged kids that the city recreation department put on each year. So, at her urging, I signed up to help. So for the next 4 years for two weeks she and I would drive all around Carrollton visiting city recreational facilities doing activities with the kids and feeding them snacks each afternoon. At the end of the two weeks we always took them to Tanner State Park for a fun afternoon on the beach there. One year she offered to drive me home becuase my car wasn't running right. I was 17 years old at the time and I thought I was so cool riding around with her. We grabbed some food and drove to a park in town to sit, eat and rest after our crazy day at camp.

She and I talked for a few hours and in fact, I was late getting home and got into trouble with mom and dad. Anyway, Laura told me the story about her mother's death. She told me how she found her in the bathtub and that the memory was always coming back to haunt her. She told me how that was why her hair fell out at times- anxiety. She was on medication but she hated taking it...it made her sick and she didn't always know if it was working on her depression. I will never ever for the rest of my life forget sitting her her at that picnic table and seeing her cry and her bright blue eyes looking gray from sadness.

After we stopped working the camp I would run into her from time to time and we would always hug, share a memory and go about our lives but we always had that afternoon between us.

Last night Laura was too tired to fight anymore...the depression and the trajedy in her life finally was too much for her and she couldn't hold on anymore. My heart is breaking as I think of her, as Laura always said, "baby" brother Andy and her older brother Alan. Her husband has to be devastated and I wish that I could take their pain away. I know the coming days, months and weeks will be so hard for her father and family and I hope that God surrounds them with his love as they try to make sense of this sad sad day.

July 4th, "Simple Livin,"and Memories

Richie and I first went to Tennessee for the annual Day family reunion on July 4th 2001. We went up to stay with Grandma Day and the family to attend. It is a tradition with his family to go up there. Richie insisted that we went every year and so we did. Tomorrow they are all going to gather and have some good home cooked food, sing some songs and share memories of people that came before...Richie will now be one of those that they will "remember" in their thoughts as Judy, Fred, Grandma, and Chase sit down with them all.

Richie used to sum up life on Day Hollow Road as "Simple Livin." After he would say it he would smile that Day smile and laugh. He loved it up there, probably more than anything he ever had in his life. He would get up before the sun did and would be out hunting. Then he would come in, eat some breakfast and go right out the door to help Grandma with anything that needed to be done. That usually meant Richie got to spend hours on the bushhog, which kept him so content.

He never knew this but there were times I would go look out the window or walk Levi to the stream just so I could see him...I guess in many ways I was always "watching" Richie, trying to figure him out. But there in Tennessee I would watch this man, my best friend, my boyfriend then my husband. I would see his focus on the farm and making sure the chores were done. I would watch him do things and every single time I watched him my heart would melt and I swear, I fell in love with him every time. He was hard to love sometimes but my heart fell for him so many times I can't count. He was such a man to me...I just loved him so much.

Tonight I am sitting here listening to the crickets and having a glass of wine. My July 4th just doesn't have much celebration in it like it used to. Will I ever go back to really celebrating a holiday, a birthday or a special occasion like I used to? I'm not sure? I hope I will some day?

"Simple Living" is all Richie wanted out of life...but then again his life was never simple. But he loved everything he had in his life and when he did something, he did it right or he tried his damndest to get it right.

One day I know that the hurt is going to fade and I realize I am more sensitive lately to everything because I am selling the house.

Last night the "handyman" that I hired came to do some work and I have to tell you...there was a moment I stopped breathing when I saw his truck in the drive. It was a 1999 F-150. Black with a tool box. I walked outside to grab something for him and I looked up and saw it. I didn't notice it earlier because he came in the front door, but when I saw it my heart dropped and I had to sit on the steps in the garage for a little bit. I, just for a moment, pretended it was Richie's and that I was getting the tool for him and that when I walked back inside it was him fixing the garbage disposal. But I knew it wasn't...I just for a moment wished to God it was.

After the house was quiet last night I snuck in the kitchen and sat there and cried. I 'm not sure why but I just feel as if I am starting my "goodbye" process with the house and with letting it go. I feel as if I am leaving Richie and I can't lie, it hurts. But I have to move, I can't live in this house anymore. Everywhere I turn he is there or a memory of us is there. We were only here a short time but there are so many memories here and it tears me up each time I come home to the emptiness of our old life.

Happy July 4th Richie Day...I will never forget our last one...we had gone to Pennsylavania to spend it with my family and when we got home you drove me all over the area so I could see fireworks...and I did, on top of Highland Point- the neighborhood across the street. You worked magic that night and for that memory I will forever be grateful God gave it to me. I love you Fred Day.

Home for sale...moving forward...old or new?

well, i officially started looking at homes this weekend. wow, there are so many out there in the area i am looking in. of course everything is a little more expensive than i can afford. as i am looking i realize that when kaki asks me what i think about them that i am the only person she is asking. i am the decision maker here...me. that hit me today because i guess sometimes i still think there is this other person who can come in and contradict me or not feel the same. because honestly, richie always made the big decisions. i didn't want the home we bought. i wanted the newer one down the street. but no, richie wanted this one and honestly, we kind of always did what richie wanted if he put his foot down. i love my home though and i am so thankful we had it together.

as i look at the homes i get confused...old or new...which is truly better? the old ones have such personality and a "home" feel. but they require a lot of work and since it is just me now i just don't know if i can handle an older home on my own. but of course, the new ones are more expensive so i am having to make decisions about down payments and other things that i never thought i would have to think about. its stressful because i hate thinking about money and worrying about trying to make it all work.

so...i'm moving forward and its hard but there is also a feeling of accomplishment as i work towards selling my home and moving into a new one.

and with that...i'm off to touch up the walls around here and then i have to buy a new microwave.

god, thanks for looking out for me and i ask you to please give me some of richie's common sense and financial sense to make the right decisions. i want to make him proud and right now i am just not sure in which direction to go with a home? new or old?

House For Sale

I did what everyone said, I waited a year. Even when I had some tell me they had no idea how I stayed in the house. The simpliest explanation is that I stayed because I was safe there. I could come home and feel Richie there. I could talk to him, cry over him, be angry at him, and just be in our home...close to him.

But now I have to move on. I have to get out for me. It is too hard being there now. It has become a burden to live there, to come home to it, to remember it all.

So this week I begin looking for the next step in my life, the next Chapter...or well, the new phase of Chapter 2?

Wish me luck...I'm scared to say goodbye to my home but I know I have to let it go, I have to let Richie and I and our time there go.

33...Older and Wiser?

I am not sure what I am today...older and wiser or what? I'm sad. I spent the day at the pool yesterday with the girls then we all got dressed up and went out. We had a great time, I laughed, I danced but then it hit me...he's gone, I'm still here and even when I am surrounded by people I am lonely.

I hate that feeling and the sad thing is that I am getting used to how it feels. All I want to do today is stay in bed. I don't really want to even think that today is my birthday. It's just another year away from when Richie was alive. It is another stepping stone away from that life and the fact that I seemed to have a pretty good future.

I told someone this morning...I am sad that I don't even like any guys in my life. I have been dating a bit, nothing serious, nothing amazing or whatever, but the sad reality is there is no one I think about all the time or want to see more often that not. No one out there is what I want. I want my old life back...even with all the bad parts, I want it back. I want time with Richie to work out our differences. I want time with him to learn to love each other the way only a husband and wife can do over years of being married. I want to watch him grow old and still be in love with him as each hair turns gray and each wrinkle appears.

I guess what it boils down to is that I want to KNOW someone like that again but how do you do that? I have no clue. I'm trying, I go out, I meet guys, I have tried to become a better person out of all of this but HOW do you really get to that point again? How do you trust someone, how do you open yourself up...it seems so hard now.

I know eventually I have to get up today, take a shower and show everyone that I am ok and smile even though it hurts to do it. But for just this moment I want to just tell the world, "I'm sad and I hate my life." I just wish there was something I could do about it.

June 24, 1974

That was 33 years ago this Sunday. Wow, 33 years ago I was a small little baby with no idea just how many curves life was going to throw me. I was the only one of us that my dad was at the birth. He was on a trip for both Michelle and Laurie's birthdays. Maybe that is why even though we fight, I am daddy's little girl?

This is the year before I turn 34, the age Richie was when he died. I've been told that this year will be a good one because its been a year since he died but it will also be hard because I will have the mixed feelings of turning the age he was when he died next year. What a crazy mixture of feelings for one person to have to work through.

I'm stronger this week than I was a year ago. Last year I spent the week planning a birthday night but really not sure how or what I would feel that day. This year I am a little more clear headed and I feel as if I will have a good time. We girls have a suite at one of my hotels downtown. We are going to do a pool day there then have some dinner then hit the town. I'm nervous...maybe its because I am scared I will cry again like last year? I don't think I will but then again, crying for me is something I have no control of over anymore.

Richie, I will miss you at my birthday this year...even though in the past you didn't always make my birthday a priority or well, you know what you did...but I wish you were here to at least hug me and celebrate another year on this earth.

Chapter 2

This is what us Widows call life after the death of our husbands. It is weird to type that because at 32 years old I feel as if I should still be only a little ways into Chapter 1 of my life. Now I have to fast forward to Chapter 2? It is so confusing.

This dating thing, it is interesting. I've met someone that I think I like more than most, no, that isn't fair, I know I like him more than most. He is nothing like anyone I have ever dated. He's not what I would have ever considered my type...in fact, more than likely he doesn't know how to drive a tractor and believe me, where I come from that is a must! But I like him all the same. We have been on the typical dinner/movie date and he has come here to have dinner once. That of course was strange because this is "my space" or well, "our space" and to invite a guy over is just weird every time I do it. But it was different this time. I guess because he's so different and didn't know me before? See, the others I have dated or done things casually with, they knew me before. He doesn't. All he knows is what I tell him and what he sees when he is around me.

I didn't tell him about Richie until the 3rd date. I just wasn't sure how to tell him or how I wanted to tell him. I knew that to me, the details of Richie's death are my cross to bear and it is something almost sacred to me. Strange, I know, but I still haven't told him much past just that I was married to Richie and that he passed away suddenly. It will take a lot of trust to tell him more than that and it will take a little more time for me to even consider it. Right now it just feels right to spend time with him and get to know him.

Dating at 32 and widowed are so crazy. I find myself holding back more, listening more, not getting all jumpy and nervous about the small aspects of dating...you know, what to wear, what will he think when he sees my house or whatever? Those things just don't seem to hold a great deal of meaning anymore. I look more now at how he reacts to things, situations and to me when I ask my ridiculous questions.

Who knows where this is going or if it will go much further but I am learning so much about the new Stacie every day and again, so far, I think I like her.

Looking At The Stars

Tonight Marlie and I took the radio and we went outside to see if we could see the International Space Station. I know Marlie thought I was kooky for wanting to go look but this is something that my dad always did with us as kids so I guess it's something normal for me now? Looking at meteor showers, the stars in general and eclipses are a constant memory in my childhood.

As we laid there looking up at the stars we didn't really talk much. I asked her if she thought Richie was looking down at us and smiling because we were looking directly up at him. She said she thought he was. Then I asked her what is the one thing she is thankful for at that moment and she said her family. I said that I was thankful I was still here and had made it through the past year and now my smiles are coming back and they are real and sincere.

I have changed so much inside and it is so hard to understand the changes until I do something that I realized I would have done differently a year ago. I like this Stacie. At first she scared me but now I am beginning to like her. I'm comfortable with her and I like the values and morals she has in her. I am glad that this is what I became through all of this rather than a bitter and sad person that saw no value in a future.

I'm thankful that tonight I was able to lay there staring at the stars and think of Richie Day and smile. I wish that he were able to see the same view but I know that his is so much more amazing and that thought gives me peace.

I'm thankful for that too, peace in my heart. I don't feel as if I am "searching" like I was for this past year. I feel as if my soul is finally finding some stability and it is becoming more content and not as restless.

I am still not sure of my future but I know that at least I have one now. Whatever future God is giving me will be just right.

Whipporwills

Have you ever sat so quiet in your backyard that you can hear a whipporwill calling out for its mate? Tonight I sat in the backyard with Levi listening to the silence and I heard one call out. It seemed to circle around my house and every call came from a different location.

It makes me kind of feel like that is what I am doing, calling out for someone. I'm not sure who I am looking for though? I am no longer looking for Richie. He's gone and I know it. Even if there are times that I let myself "look" for him, I know in my heart he is truly not going to come back to me.

So...who am I looking for? I'm beginning to date. Wow, just typing that out here makes it real. Yeah, I have met some guys through all this and have gone on dates the past few months, but as my counselor says, I was in a tunnel vision of sorts. I was attracted to the wrong type of guys and of course I knew in my heart that was "safe" because it wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't allow myself to look around at all the nice guys. But now I am trying to look around more and see that there are some nice guys out there and that even if I am not ready to find "the one" it is nice to know I can go out, have a nice dinner and have someone put me as a priority.

Being 32, widowed and coming from a relationship and marriage that was hard...to say it nicely, this dating thing is terrifying. I don't know what to do or say or how to act half the time when they try to do nice things for me.

The hardest part is also telling them my story. How do you tell someone that you are widowed. Sounds pretty simple and straight forward huh? Well, it's not. Think of what all comes with being a widow...there are fears that were not there before...there is a innocence that was lost and to say it nicely, we widows don't put up with much crap. We know that we deserve better and we know that there is something worse than not having a guy call. BUT, we still freak out if the guy doesn't because, its not that he might not like us, it's that he might be dead somewhere. How is that for a reality check. You forget to call the widow becuase you got busy and when you talk to her she is pretty much hysterical because she was worried you were dead. Now, that hasn't happened to me but it has to some of my widow friends and I "feel" those emotions at times now while I am starting this dating thing. I can't imagine what it will be like for a guy that I do like and begin to have a relationship with. I am sure I will scare the bejesus out of him.

Widowhood is just flat out hard. It is never simple and there is never one right answer. He died, I lived, now I have to go on with my life and that means I want to find someone to love and to have a family with. The question is, is how do you go about doing that in a "normal" way now that you have gone through burying your 34 year old husband?

Dallas and back home

It seems like a life time since I flew to Dallas over 10 days ago. It was like I got a break from "my life." I was so busy and hardly had any down time to think about anything outside of work. It was a nice break from reality, I have to admit.

The Albany group called from the beach. This was the first time in several years we weren't with them. The night they called it hit me and I had a moment on the bathroom floor in my hotel room where I cried and just wished that my life weren't this way. I wished so much that God would just let me have it all back. I wanted even the worst of times back...which a lot of times were those beach trips...but I wanted to be with them at the Florabama, laughing and dancing with Richie. I, for a moment, hated my life and wished to just go to sleep and not wake up. I sometimes just want to lay down and go to sleep. I know I can't but I admit, it would be nice to just lay down and never have to deal with all of this anymore. But I know I am stronger than that so I do what I have to do to get past that moment.

The other sad part about my trip was the fact that the last 4 days were all related to the Crowne Plaza Tournament at Colonial. It is a PGA tournament that my brand is sponsoring now and it did not go unnoticed that Richie would have loved to have been there. I know that I could have gotten him a spot in the Pro-Am and he could have played golf with some of the best golfers in the world. I thought about him so much as the weekend went on. Being out there around a golf course, it was just all Richie and I kept thinking of how good he was and how much he loved the sport.

Then when I got home I went out to get Levi. God, I can't tell you how good it was to see him. He is my last connection to Richie in so many ways and never have I loved an animal so much. I could tell he was so excited to see me and when I went in the house to get his things he sat next to my car door and didn't move. As much fun as he had out there with mom and dad I know he was ready to go home...I think he really did miss me.

So now, here I am again, back in reality. This is the "down" point for me. It is when I come home and realize, "Ok, here we go again, what do I do now?" Being on the road has its good and bad parts. I get away from this life and I can "hide" a little from my widowness, but I also get so homesick and realize how much I need my family and friends. It is like I can't win.

Well...here I am again Richie, home without you and trying to make my life my own. I miss you.

Always One Thought Away...

He is always there...one thought away from whatever is on my mind at the moment. I can be busy with work, tennis or just mindlessly wathing tv and there he is...right there taking over my thoughts.

It catches me off guard at times. I will then think of small things- his hands, his smile, the mole on his face, the green eyes with gold flecks that could see through me when they stared long enough.

Richie is always there. I had a hard few weeks but I am doing better now. I have a lot going on with work so it is keeping me occupied. The moments of him not being in my thoughts seem to be longer but even as I type that I know that he is always there and will pop up when I least expect it.

Richie was the center of my world and now that he is gone it is hard to believe that I will ever feel whole again. Is this feeling that someting is always missing going to stay with me forever? It is like I KNOW my car keys are here somewhere but after hours of searching I just can't find them! I don't necessarily search "this" world for him but I do search my heart for signs of him.

I look desperately for the feeling I had when I would hear him drive up after a weekend at the hunting club. I always met him at the door with a smile. What did that feel like? That giddy feeling that drove me to make sure I looked cute, even after being with him for 6 years. I would always have on something cute and at least some makeup. Did you know he loved me in yellow? He said that one time about 3 years ago and I always tried to buy something in yellow when I was out, even if it was just a tshirt...so now I have 6 yellow tshits...long sleeve, short sleeve, sleeveless...because Richie said he loved me in yellow.

I miss him...but I'm ok...I am feeling better after such a hard few weeks. The wave that hit me has subsided and I think I will just float here on my back, relax, enjoy the sun until the next one hits me.

Levi

Tonight Levi and I did an amazing thing...or well, another "first" for he and I. We went for a walk. This probably doesn't seem so amazing to anyone else but to he and I, it was truly amazing.

See, I have never walked Levi alone. I always walked him with Richie. We didn't do it all the time but when we went for a walk we almost always walked Levi on a Sunday evening, after a big Sunday dinner and we would walk him around the neighborhood Richie lived in at the time. We walked him around Colt Drive, Greenhill, Keswick and then finally on Wood Creek.

I am not sure the date of our last walk but tonight it haunted us as we took off down the driveway. When Levi saw me putting my tennis shoes on in front of the door and then holding the leash he did what he always did for Richie, he started jumping up and down and getting excited. This at first made me smile but then the tears started. So we set off...of course Levi "marked" everything on our journey and had to stop and sniff at everything. His ears were perked up and he was so energetic. He hasn't been this way in a while.

I knew where we were going as soon as I picked up the leash from the garage. I wanted to go on the path of our last walk with Richie. We got to the playground in our neighborhood and went left. From there we took the wooded path along the creek and lost ourselves in the woods. I did as Richie did and I took off the leash and let him go. He ran around, sniffed, and just played in the woods. He never went far, he never did when we were with Richie.

This is where it go hard. I remembered exactly what Richie was wearing...ratted out kaki shorts and his blue TA shirt with holes all in it. He had on his grey tennis shoes with no socks. I remembered him perfectly. We were talking about all the traveling we were doing and when we got to the clearing where they were putting in a road for a new neighborhood we stood there talking and watching Levi. I told Richie how I loved my job but the traveling was killing me and I joked that when I got pregnant I finally could stay off a plane. He smiled, didn't say much, just said that who would have imagined him going to New York ever? We laughed a little, talked about the yard and then he whistled for Levi and we started back. On the way home we talked about the kind of grass we wanted to put in our yard. He pointed out some yards and I told him which ones I liked. It was a nice evening with my husband and the tears continued as Levi and I took the same path.

This time though, when I got to the clearing I saw the new houses and I called Levi back so I wouldn't lose him. I sat there for a while just looking around and silently crying for Richie and that night. I probably looked crazy to anyone in the neighborhood who could see me but those houses just made me so sad. I wanted that night back and those houses symbolized just how much time had passed since that special last walk we took.

On our way back I took Levi to this deep water hole. Richie never would let him off, he always thought we would get in trouble. Tonight, I didn't care. I know how much Levi loves to go jump into water holes and swim around and I know that he misses his swim time in Tennessee so I threw a stick in and told him to go for it. He dove in head first, I'm not kidding, head first and came up sneezing water! I threw the stick a few times and you could tell he loved it.

As we walked up the driveway, me emotionally drained and wet from his shacking water all over me, and Levi physically exhausted for his swim, we were a sight I'm sure. It is just me and him now and my heart hurts just thinking about that. Levi is the only living thing on this earth besides me who knew what it felt like to walk in those woods with Richie. I wonder, did he miss him too tonight? Did he feel my sadness and did he wonder, where was Richie?

I may not be a mother to a child yet but tonight I really saw how much I love the child I have. I know that tonight Richie was up there proud of me for taking this walk. I know this was another step forward for me and I'm glad it was with Levi, the dog he loved most in this world.

Mother's Day

Last year I was so wrapped up in my grief that I hardly remember this day had come. It had only been a few short weeks since his death and the magnitude of this day had not hit me.

This year I can't stop thinking that I would have probably been a Mother tomorrow. I would have probably gotten my first mother's day card. If things had gone according to our "plan" I would have celebrated this as my first mother's day with Richie and our child.

I can't tell you how much I want to be a mom. I just can't get the perfect words together to express those feelings of wanting a child so bad you can hardly stand it.

I wish that I were a mom...

Hard Time Holding It Together Again...

I'm having a hard time again. Just when I thought I was ok and feeling better this last week hit me so hard. I have felt this huge wave pulling me under. I can't sleep again and I seem to be drinking more than I should. I hesitated to even type that because I know that sends alarms out all over the place but I guess I need someone out there to keep some tabs on me and what is going on.

I think the traveling is causing the depression and I turn to drinking. I'm not getting wasted every night but I know I am drinking more than I normally would. Being on the road is so lonely. I know so many people in so many cities but it never fails, at the moment I put that key in the door of my hotel room I realize it is still just me. Not that Richie would have been with me on all these trips but still, there is not that special person to call or waiting for you to call or wondering why you haven't checked in yet. I don't have that and it is so damn hard.

You feel so alone and isolated. I wish my heart was ready for love again but it's not. I'm still in love with Richie. The best thing I could have done was to say that out loud and finally just admit it. My "A" type personality wants me to be better. I set expectations throughout all this that I finally admit, I can't meet them. I push myself thinking that if I try really really hard I will be better and no one has to worry about me. But I give up, I'm not ready for a lot of things. I am not ready for any major change, oh I wish I was ready, God how much I wish I were ready to be back in the "real" world and with someone who loves me. I just can't. Richie still has my heart.

A widow friend told me that instead of working to let Richie go I need to pray that God help Richie let me go. To ask God to heal my heart and have some peace come over me that Richie has let me go and he wants me to love again. I guess it's true, when someone you love with all your heart dies you don't ever think that they "really" want you to move on. You worry that they are upset at your actions with another person so a part of you holds back?

I won't lie, everyone knows Richie and I had a hard as hell marriage. God only knows that we had our fights and we pushed each other to the limits...I think that is why this is so hard. I am scared to trust myself to let someone really love me and "want" to be with me rather than out partying or with the boys.

I am just not sure how to either let Richie go or have him let me go. I know God is working on me right now. I do know that but this healing is hurting.

My little sister said today that I am heart broken over so much and she's right...its broken over Richie dying, my marriage being gone in the blink of an eye, the hardness of my marriage, the loss of Richie's family, and the loss of my innocence regarding life. I guess it just takes a long time for your heart to heal?

No...I haven't let him go...

My last post is all I thought about all day today. Why can't I move forward? Is it because I haven't let him go? I can tell myself now, without a doubt that I am still in love with Richie Day. I am in love with him like I have been since January of 2000. It hasn't gone away and in some ways I have tried to put it away but its still there.

I am in love with someone who is no longer here. I am in love with a man who will never be able to tell me again he loves me. I am in love with a man who I will never touch again. His absence has not made me love him any less and it has not made the feelings disappear. If he walked in the door right now any speeches I had prepared or any questions I had would fall to the wayside because see, I still love Richie. I haven't let him go. I still love him so much.

This man, my husband, Richie Day, you see, I'm still in love with him and until I let him go I can't love anyone else. That is the truth I had to face today. I can't move forward until I let him go and I let our love go. I have to realize that he's not coming back, ever. He's gone and until I see him in heaven, I have to let him go.

God, tonight I ask you to please help me start letting him go. I need the strength to let him go. I can't do this on my own. All those years and all those problems when I never would leave him, now I have to leave him. I have to leave him with you. I have to let him go and I can't do that without your strength.

Richie, I am trying...I know you want me to let you go but as always, its hard for me to walk away from you. It is, as always, hard for me to let you go. I never was good at that...was I?

Letting Go?

I'm sitting up in the office tonight. I can't sleep for some reason? I watched the show, "Brothers and Sisters" tonight and it got me sad I guess. There was a scene where Nora (the widow) tells the mistress of her dead husband that she has to "let him go." It was a powerful moment for me to watch. Here was the widow telling the woman who hurt her the most by cheating with her husband to "let him go." It was hard for me to understand why she was so compassionate towards here. But then of course, it got me to thinking.

Have I let Richie go? Am I really getting "better" or "healing?" Or am I just a great actress? I'm just not sure I am moving forward. I feel as if my feet are stuck in the mud. I had a great day today, I went and walked Kennesaw mountain with Jill, then on to Hemingways where Summer met us and we drank some beers and listened to the band. A sidebar note: Summer, my cousin, moved in this weekend. Its going to be nice to have her here with Marlie and I. Makes the house seem "full" or something with life? Its comforting to hear footsteps around the house because someone is always here now?

Anyway, am I healing now or am I stalling again? I guess it always goes back to the fact that if I am getting better then it means Richie really is gone. I am no longer married and there is no chance in the immediate future for me to have children. I will be 33 without Richie this year. Another year closer to me turing 34 and then after that I will be older than him for the rest of my life. Again, if I am "healing" then he's gone and all of these things are going to happen. Now, yeah, I know, they are happening anyway, I mean, I look around and I am in awe at how the world has continued to move on without Richie in it. Its like being in a theatre of a bad movie and I can't get out of the theatre because the doors are locked.

But, the other question is, is...do I want to REALLY leave the movie? It's comforting to be in a place where you feel as if you can ignore the world (for the most part) and everyone leaves you alone. Because when you go out into the real world everyone wants to believe you are ok, you want to date, you are "looking" again for someone to love. Sometimes I think I am ready for that then sometimes I completely freak out and realize I am not. When will I be? I put my toes in the water but then I run back to the safety of the beach. It is so hard doing all of this.

I get agitated when someone asks me if I am dating and if so, do I like anyone serious. Are you kidding? How can I be serious, Richie was just here yesterday in my mind. But I know in today's society its easier for me to be with someone. See, that seems to make it all "ok." If I am a half of a whole then I'll be fine and no one needs to worry about me.

But you see, I haven't let Richie go. I haven't let our marriage go. I hold onto it so tight. I keep waiting for this miracle to happen where it stops hurting and I all of a sudden feel no pain.

So I know that I still have some work to do and I think for the time being I am ok being stuck in this mud. I need a break, I need some peace in my life, I need to work on really letting him go. I have to let go of the bad parts of our marriage, I need to forgive him for some of the things he did, I need to trust that he loved me and that if he had known he was going to die he would have done the right things and all of this wouldn't have gotten so messed up. I have to let go of his family...not just the way I have already but in my heart I have to let them go and to do that I have to forgive them for not making this right. I have to let it go because if I don't, no one else is going to forgive them either.

God, I need your strength to let Richie go. I pray for you to show me how to do this. I know that when I let Richie go I can let go of all the pain and anger I feel towards his family. If I let Richie go I know that I'll feel the peace that I should have in my heart because I am your's. I want to have your heart God. I want to have your love show through me. I pray for you to guide me down the path of forgiveness and letting Richie go.

Amen.

Hello...

My name is Stacie. I am 32 years old and I'm a widow. I can't remember much about the last year of my life. I have claimed to friends that I am going to turn "32" again because its unfair I don't remember much of that age.

I am feeling sorry for myself today. I woke up in another hotel room in another city and I was so lonely. I know I have friends I can reach out to and there are people all around me here that I can turn to also, but well, I am just sad, lonely and depressed.

Tonight I go home...to a place that is so different from what I thought it would be. I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I make progress but then I take steps back. I get close to someone, then I run...trusting another human being is just about impossible.

They say that the first year is the hardest, however all my widow friends say the 2nd year is worse. I think I kind of see what they mean? This year is when everyone thinks you are better that its time to start "fixing me up" with guys and that when I go out on a date that this guy might turn out to "be the one." I put so much pressure on myself to show others I am ok that there are no more "dark" moments I can't handle. But this morning a dark moment hit. A wave came at me and its going to be all I can do to get through this trade show and make my flight home.

I know in the morning I have to get up and take care of things. I have to wash Levi, get him his medicine and dog food. I need to go see everyone at Greg and Stacy's, not only just for myself and making myself get out of the house, but to also show them that I'm ok. They don't pressure me to go but I know if I wanted to lay in bed they would worry and I know if I go I will laugh and have fun. Richie's name will come up and as always we'll tell stories. That is a part of all our healing and its good for me to hear those stories and laugh right along with them.

I'm just sad...all this seems like work and energy that I just don't feel I have right now. But as I ride this wave out I know I'll find the strength. God always seems to give it to me if I pray and ask him for it.

So...God, please grant me the strength to get through this dark moment. I know you are the only thing that can pull me through and I ask you to please carry me until I can walk again.

The Changing of Me

I'm changing. The "Me" I used to know is not the same. I know that there is no way you can go through losing someone close to you without changing. But to actually live through the change is an amazing thing to feel and go through.

I look at things differently. The nice lady who works at the dentist office...would I have ever known she was a widow unless it was my story and in innocent conversation it would come out? We shared our knowledge and like best friends we gossiped about all that we went through and how our lives were so different. Who knew she was 64 and I was 32, when you are a widow there are no age requirements to relate to each other. We are together in this process and without really knowing each other, we actually know each other better than some of our closest friends.

This is how my life is different. Oh yeah, I always talked to strangers, but never did I really have a story to share with them or something in my life that might touch them. But now, when I tell my story and I share about Richie, I touch someone's life. I can tell when it helps someone and I always thank God as soon as I am alone for showing me how to help someone...in whatever small way I might have?

I'm sure someone out there has written a poem about how life is like the changing of the seasons...today I feel like its spring. I feel as if my heart is waking up from a long winter and I see the flowers beginning to bud, I see the grass turning green again, and the trees are beginning to become full. My life is changing, the old "Me" is being replaced by this new person and I am beginning to like her.

Unexpected Visions of Him

When you least expect it Richie will flash through my mind. His smile, his laugh, his face. But I don't cry when I think of him, I just let my mind wander over the memory. I cherish the moments like this now because it means I have not forgotten what he looked like or smelled like or what it felt like when he was near me.

Memories can be tricky. They can make you cry, make you laugh or make you angry, but it seems like I can't quite put an emotion on what Richie's memories mean to me.

Last night I was outside playing with Levi and it was not quite light but not quite dark. I felt the memories wash over me. I could tell you exactly what he would be doing or saying if he was standing back there with me. I know he would have had on an old pair of shorts, a dirty tshirt with holes in it and he would have been barefoot. He was always barefoot around the house. He'd have had a dip cup in one hand and a dirty old tennis ball in the other teasing Levi.

Memories of Richie are so important. They keep me going, they heal me when I am down, they give me a sense of peace because it seems like every time he flashes through my mind, its his way of letting me know he is still here with me.

"Within me there is that which is greater than my circumstances"

This quote was sent out by one of my widow friends.

We may not realize just how strong we are inside until something happens that makes us pull strength from the deepest parts of our soul. We have to learn to trust God, completely and without question. As Charles Stanley said one time, "When you ask God for help, it's not a discussion...you ask, he helps."

We have to believe that we have the choice in life to control our actions and how we relate to events and people in it. Life is too short to waste on anger and situations that are not helping us grow into better people.

In the last year I have learned that I am a strong person. I don't think though its the way everyone thinks...you know, me living through finding Richie and then having to bury my husband of only 19 months. See, those things to me, yes were hard as hell, but to me, the strongest thing I did was live after that 6 month mark...Because that is when the real work started. That is when everyone started to go back to their own lives and I had to make a decision- I could either sit and die right along side Richie or I could make his death a defining point in my life. I could use it and learn from it, become someone better because of having had him and our experiences in my life.

I decided to get help- therapy, grief groups, reaching out to friends, reading books and just praying as much as I could. I never gave up and I never failed to "feel" my grief. Oh yeah, plenty of times I tried to ignore it and act as if I were completely fine to those around me. But I knew deep inside that ignoring it and trying to act "ok" was not helping. So, I did as my counselor said, I tried to always be in my grief. When it hits I stay with it. I let my mind process the thoughts, the emotions, the memories, all of it. And it hurts, it devestates at times, but when I start to come out of it I take a deep breath and begin to move forward once more.

See, to me, the inner strength I had was to survive Richie's death. To be a testament to others out there who lose someone they love. To show another widow that it's ok to live and that God wants us to walk THROUGH the valley of death.

Living after death is the hardest part and although I am still grieving, I am living and I am puttnig my life back together piece by piece.

My Footprints...

I've been thinking...isn't it true that it isn't the length of the story of your life but the contents of it, right? Where did you leave your footprints?

Did you leave them outside a friend's door when you went by to check on them when they were sick? Did you leave them near your car when you drove to the hospital to check on a sick friend or welcome a new baby into the world? Are they outside of the church where you go to pray and learn about God?

Where have you left all your footprints?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last year. How can I make a difference, how can I leave a "footprint" in someone's life? I'd like to think that Richie's death has taught me so much, even through the sadness.

I have tried to volunteer more, call friends more often, raise money for worthy causes...I've just tried to be a better person. Yeah, what pushed me this way was Richie's death but I'd like to think that now I am doing it because it's the right thing to do you know?

I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to touch someone with my story or in some way that will help them and somehow change their life for the better.

I'm not sure what I am moving towards but I know that something in my life is changing...I know that God is leading me towards something I just haven't seen what it is yet.

But I do know this, my footprints are behind me and hopefully one day they will lead someone to a better place.

The Mountain is Smaller from Up Here...

That is how I feel today. Like I finally made it to the top of the mountain and I am looking down at the path I had to climb up.

A year and a day...amazing.

Last night was so incredible. We raised almost $1000 towards the scholarship and I got to hug all Richie's friends. I drank a beer, danced a little to Widespread and hung out like he would have wanted. It was perfect.

My parents were there, my sister and Trey (and of course Emie), Connie/Phil, Rad, Tracy, Todd, Bo, the softball team and then of course all my girlfriends. Those amazing girls that have never left my side since the moment they found out. They celebrated his life with me. They were all there with me...drinking a beer, smiling and telling Richie stories. It was just incredible. The friendships that Richie made will be kept forever. I don't know if I really realized that until yesterday. I mean, yeah, I knew I was lucky that I had been able to keep in touch with them all. I knew that I could always count on them if I needed something, but yesterday was different. It was about Richie. Truly about him and the life he had with all of them.

Those boys should be proud of who they are and what they have become. They are the kind of men that don't take family and friendship lightly. They love their families, their wives, their children and their "buddies." I am in awe that they all accept me now, even without Richie. But maybe that is the last gift Richie gave me...all of them and their friendships.

Richie, we all miss you so much but as you saw yesterday, we smile now and even though it's always going to be hard and I know I'll still have bad days...you will always be with me. Our love will always be in my heart and soul. It is going to carry me through the next phase in my life and your memory will always be a part of who I am now.

I will always love you Richie Day. Always.

Fred Richard Day, Jr (1972-2006)

Richie,

I have been sitting here for an hour wondering what to write to you today. How can I put into words how much I miss you? There are no words to hold all the emotions I feel today. I just miss you with all my heart and soul.

I have learned a lot since you died. I have learned how to be more thankful for what I have. I have learned that you can't control life, you just have to hang on, pray a lot and hope that you make the right decisions.

I have learned that you need to love those around you but its ok to walk away from those who hurt you or aren't good for you. That one took me a while to realize but I know I made some good decisions by walking away from the negative in my life.

I want to thank you for the life we had. I know we had our ups and downs. God only knows how we made it as far as we did, but for some reason God got us to that alter and then he made us face our issues in couseling together. Those many hours we spent with Cathy are what I hold on to a lot. Those moments where you were so open and raw about things taught me that even though it was hard, you loved me and you really wanted our marriage to work. We never gave up on each other, even in the most horrible of times. We gave it our all.

I know that God has a plan. He had a plan that night when he had me find you. I often wonder, who would have if I didn't? I always think it would have been Brad. You wouldn't have shown up for work and he would have probably driven over here looking for you after I probably got upset because I wouldn't have been able to find you. I'm not sure why I feel that way but I just know if I had been on a trip it would have been him? But God knew that I should find you and that I would take care of it all for you.

This year I have found myself in ways I never knew possible and I know you would be proud that I have stood by your memory, your friends and I have tried my best to do what is right for me and the life we had started together.

I promise to always stand by what we made together and to always remember you and how much I love you.

I love you Richie Day. I will miss you for eternity.

Love,
Stacie

362 Days Ago

I was sitting here checking email and Richie and I were watching tv. We had just gotten home from being in Carrollton for Easter. We had driven up to Home Depot to get some things to start working on our shoe mold around the dining room and hallways and saw that it was closed..so we were forced to go home and relax.

How has it been this long since I spoke to him? I played the message on our old answering machine a few times. I just stood there listening, remembering the night he recorded it. I had laughed at him because he was trying to be all serious as he said, "Hello, you've reached the Day's...we aren't in right now but leave a message and we'll call you back as soon as possible." His voice...wow, his voice...it rips me apart to hear it.

As I listened, I looked around and I realized that its been almost a year since I put all his pictures away. I haven't see his face in our living room smiling at me in our wedding photos in all that time. I still can't bear to look at the picture we had on the casket. It's in a drawer with the shirt he had on the night he died. I can't open that drawer any more which is different from a few months ago when I would pull the shirt out just to make what happened seem "real" to me. I would lay it on the bed and lay it out the way it should be and I would stare at it...and just try to "wish" him back into it if that makes sense? I would put my hand on it, close my eyes, and just pray to feel a breath or a heartbeat but it never happened, the shirt was just still flat on the bed.

On Wednesday I want to celebrate Richie's new birthday- the one that God gave him for Heaven- April 18th.

"During your times of suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

"In The Fairway with Fred Day"

The 8th Annual Coastal Cup began yesterday with the theme being set in Richie's memory.

The guys started the caravan around 6am yesterday down to Sand Destin. I know this year is hard on them. I got a few calls and text messages from a some of them yesterday to tell me that Richie's birthday was being celebrated down there and I was assured by Jarrett, "Stacie, he's down here too."

Helen and I were talking last night about how in the past, us wives and girlfriends have always complained about #1 the amount of money that is spent but also just the crazy behavior that seems to come out of this trip. Every single one of them has been the subject of some story that has come out of there in the last 8 years and God only knows Richie was a top participant. But this year, instead of being upset and worrying, we were saying its just good to know they are all together. This year, this group of 30 somethings realize how lucky they are to have each other and the amazing friendships they have. Richie's death taught them all how short life is and I am thankful they have this trip to remember that and to create more memories.

As they tee off today I know that some of them will have Richie heavily weighing on their hearts, but I also know he is up there with his piece of paper keep up with all the scores and making bets on who is taking the trophy home this year.

Thank you guys for the shirt and hat, Richie finally got his name on the shirt and I know he is up there grinning about that.

Good luck...he's riding right beside you in that golf cart.

Happy Birthday Richie

How is it that 35 years seems so short of a time period? Right now, 35 years seems so far away. I will be 67 years old in 35 years. That seems so far away.

Richie's life seems so short yet 35 years seems like it should be a lot longer sounding right? I mean, he learned how to drive a stick shift, a tractor, a 4 wheeler...he graduated from high school, got a golf scholarship, went on to get his college degree and then his Masters. He became a man, had so many best friends, met a girl, fell in love, bought a house then said "I Do." All of those things take years and years to accomplish so how come I feel like it wasn't long enough?

As April 12 goes by I am so sad. I know today exactly what he would be doing...he'd get up really early to make sure he doesn't miss his ride down to Coastal Cup with Rad. He'd be smiling the entire way down just knowing that not only was he with his best friends for the weekend but it was his birthday weekend.

He'd have made his "LOTTD- List of Things To Do" on the yellow post its and would have checked them off one by one as he packed. And he would have done all this while doing "reps" on his weight bench. I hate even saying that but that is how much he loved to work out...he would do reps, pack and check email all at one time. It would have even been more funny to watch how he did all that PLUS watch the American Idol results show.

1. Radio (Stacie, do we have extra batteries)
2. CD's (WSP, Creed, Boston, Government Mule, and of course, Monster Ballads)
3. Golf Clubs
4. Cooler (Stacie, which one should I take?)
5. Iron (he always packed it but never used it)
6. Extra cans of dip (Stacie, where is my dip cup, did you throw it out again?)
7. Remind Stacie to feed Levi (reminded me every time even though I always remembered)
8. Cold Beer (he would have written this just to get on my nerves)

My heart is breaking again today thinking of how much I miss Richie and tomorrow I'll blow out a candle and make his wish for him.