Skeptism...Protective or Negative?

When Richie died I can't tell you how many people...friends and family told me, "Oh, one day you will meet someone that will make you happy and after going through all of this you will 'just know' that that person is the one." I was told so many times that what Ihad been through would help me figure out what it was I really wanted and needed in the next relationship.

So...here we are, almost 17 months later and I've met someone. I keep thinking of that saying that you hear "when you meet the right person you will know because they bring out the best in you." I understand now what that means. John is such an amazing and caring person. It is hard to put into words how I feel about him. I tried to explain to my mom how I'm older now and that this time around I am a different person going into love. And I know my heart well enough to know that it wouldn't go down this road unless what I felt was true. I am in love with him, even after this short amount of time. I know that he is special and I know that what I am feeling for him isn't going to go away anytime soon if it ever does? A 33 years old and as a widow I know that I'm in love.

Now for the point of this...almost everyone close to me has reacted with skeptism. At first they all wanted to know about John and to hear details about us and what was going on but as this has gotten serious faster than what they think is "appropriate" they are reacting with complete skeptism. When I told my mom that this was real I swear, I think I heard crickets...then I was told, "Well, just wait and see where it goes." I guess I thought that I was going to get some sort of happy reaction because after 17 months of rebuilding my life I have met someone and am very happy.

I just don't get it...when I asked her, my sister and the others why they are skeptical I have been told its that they are protective of me. That's great...I completely understand it but why can't the first reaction be happy...they later, between themselves they share their worries? Why do they have to tell me or let me know they are skeptical.

I guess I just wish they understood that their doubts come off as negative. The one positive thing though that I do have is my friends...they all love John and are happy for us. Yes, they are protective and worry about me, but they also trust me and know that in the last year, with the odds not always on my side, I've made good decisions. They've watched me think things through, stay true to myself and take things as they come. Maybe if others would think before they react to my news they would have time to remember all of that as well.

But for now, I'm in love again and wherever it does go...I am glad I took the chance to try it again.

Chapter Two?

I have been wanting to write about this for a while but I didn't really know how to write it. Especially on here...but since this seems to be where I open up and share my life and the things new.

So...here it goes...I've met someone very special. I want to say it was a chance meeting but that doesn't seem to give this justice. I kind of sort of met him through friends but I have seen him around before and the first time I ever saw him I thought he was cute and I wanted to meet him. I called him my "crush." Then one night I got the opportunity to take a leap of faith and actually talk to him. When I hear that line, "You had me at hello" it seems to make perfect cheesy sense to me because that is what I said to him...I walked right up to him and said hello and shook his hand. Now what is surprising is that he didn't look at me like I was a freakshow and run. Nope, instead, he shook my hand and we ended up talking the rest of the night. We've been seeing each other ever since.

I am not sure where this is going but I know that I like him a lot and I seem to want to spend as much time as I can with him. I have prayed for someone to come into my life...someone to love me and to accept who I am now. I guess because I know how different I am and although he didn't know me before Richie's death, there are things about me that are so different now. I react different to things, I am scared of so much but I am also not scared of things that most people normally are.

I am happy to spend time with someone for the first time in a very long time. I think about him when I am not with him and I look forward to seeing him every chance I get. I used to hate flying home and making the drive to my house. I was always so sad thinking of how my life just wasn't good? But now when I land I think of him. I think of seeing him and how he makes me laugh. And that is probably the most imporant...he makes me laugh.

So...Richie, if you are up there looking down...be happy for me because he is really special.

Returning Home...

I am sitting in the Charles de Gaul airport lounge waiting for my flight. I've been uploading pictures to myspace and smiling at all the memories I created these past 10 days.

To say this trip has changed my life would be an understatment. Maybe it makes no sense to anyone else out there but I am coming back different. I traveled somewhere by myself...no, not completely by myself but it was all up to me to get here, to pay for things, to see things and to experience Italy and Paris for myself.

I am no longer the widow...the girl who lost her husband at 31 years old. I know there are many people who will always identfy myself as that girl, but I am no longer her to myself. Just being here, half way around the world...seeing all the different ways of life. The different cultures, traditions and every day occurances has made me shed that widowness.

It no longer is my definition and I will no longer feel as if that is the most important thing someone should know about me when they meet me. I won't be scared to share that part of me but it won't be the defining characteristic of myself.

I'm excited to come home but sad to leave. This has been an incredible trip and I will cherish it forever. Even if I come back, this trip will be the most important to me.

God, please be with me as I fly home today...you gave me something in this trip that I am eternally greatful for and I know that this time has helped me heal in many ways.

Richie, I still love you with all my heart but slowly, that love is now deeper in different way. I know that you were with me as I flew over the alps, I felt you there. I love you Richie, and I know that you are proud of me...I think of you every single day.