April 2007

Well, it's here. There isn't anything anyone can do about it. I have to go through this month. It is 10 more days until he would have been 35...then 15 more days until I have to wake up and realize that one year ago Richie died.

No matter how I have stayed occupied...traveling, dealing with financial issues, fixing all the broken things around the house, taking care of Levi, and just trying to spend time with all of Richie's friends...the month still came.

I can't avoid it...its here and its like that childhood song- "Going on a Bear Hunt." When you get to the lake- you can't go around it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it. That is how I feel. I am standing next to this raging river and I know that I have to cross it. And once I do, its official, I made it through 1 year without Richie, without my husband, without our dreams, and I made it through 1 year where I had to learn to let go of all my future plans. The ones that I had so carefully made with Richie. They are gone now and they aren't coming back.

What a life lesson to learn at 31 years old. It is so hard to believe I will be 33 in a few short months. I feel like I lost the entire 32nd year of my life.

God, please help me "cross" this month as best as I can. Please help me do the right things to honor Richie, his memory and the memory of our life together. I just ask that you please help me because I am again at a loss of what to ask you for to get through this, except for you to please help me.