Letting Go?

I'm sitting up in the office tonight. I can't sleep for some reason? I watched the show, "Brothers and Sisters" tonight and it got me sad I guess. There was a scene where Nora (the widow) tells the mistress of her dead husband that she has to "let him go." It was a powerful moment for me to watch. Here was the widow telling the woman who hurt her the most by cheating with her husband to "let him go." It was hard for me to understand why she was so compassionate towards here. But then of course, it got me to thinking.

Have I let Richie go? Am I really getting "better" or "healing?" Or am I just a great actress? I'm just not sure I am moving forward. I feel as if my feet are stuck in the mud. I had a great day today, I went and walked Kennesaw mountain with Jill, then on to Hemingways where Summer met us and we drank some beers and listened to the band. A sidebar note: Summer, my cousin, moved in this weekend. Its going to be nice to have her here with Marlie and I. Makes the house seem "full" or something with life? Its comforting to hear footsteps around the house because someone is always here now?

Anyway, am I healing now or am I stalling again? I guess it always goes back to the fact that if I am getting better then it means Richie really is gone. I am no longer married and there is no chance in the immediate future for me to have children. I will be 33 without Richie this year. Another year closer to me turing 34 and then after that I will be older than him for the rest of my life. Again, if I am "healing" then he's gone and all of these things are going to happen. Now, yeah, I know, they are happening anyway, I mean, I look around and I am in awe at how the world has continued to move on without Richie in it. Its like being in a theatre of a bad movie and I can't get out of the theatre because the doors are locked.

But, the other question is, is...do I want to REALLY leave the movie? It's comforting to be in a place where you feel as if you can ignore the world (for the most part) and everyone leaves you alone. Because when you go out into the real world everyone wants to believe you are ok, you want to date, you are "looking" again for someone to love. Sometimes I think I am ready for that then sometimes I completely freak out and realize I am not. When will I be? I put my toes in the water but then I run back to the safety of the beach. It is so hard doing all of this.

I get agitated when someone asks me if I am dating and if so, do I like anyone serious. Are you kidding? How can I be serious, Richie was just here yesterday in my mind. But I know in today's society its easier for me to be with someone. See, that seems to make it all "ok." If I am a half of a whole then I'll be fine and no one needs to worry about me.

But you see, I haven't let Richie go. I haven't let our marriage go. I hold onto it so tight. I keep waiting for this miracle to happen where it stops hurting and I all of a sudden feel no pain.

So I know that I still have some work to do and I think for the time being I am ok being stuck in this mud. I need a break, I need some peace in my life, I need to work on really letting him go. I have to let go of the bad parts of our marriage, I need to forgive him for some of the things he did, I need to trust that he loved me and that if he had known he was going to die he would have done the right things and all of this wouldn't have gotten so messed up. I have to let go of his family...not just the way I have already but in my heart I have to let them go and to do that I have to forgive them for not making this right. I have to let it go because if I don't, no one else is going to forgive them either.

God, I need your strength to let Richie go. I pray for you to show me how to do this. I know that when I let Richie go I can let go of all the pain and anger I feel towards his family. If I let Richie go I know that I'll feel the peace that I should have in my heart because I am your's. I want to have your heart God. I want to have your love show through me. I pray for you to guide me down the path of forgiveness and letting Richie go.

Amen.