My last post is all I thought about all day today. Why can't I move forward? Is it because I haven't let him go? I can tell myself now, without a doubt that I am still in love with Richie Day. I am in love with him like I have been since January of 2000. It hasn't gone away and in some ways I have tried to put it away but its still there.
I am in love with someone who is no longer here. I am in love with a man who will never be able to tell me again he loves me. I am in love with a man who I will never touch again. His absence has not made me love him any less and it has not made the feelings disappear. If he walked in the door right now any speeches I had prepared or any questions I had would fall to the wayside because see, I still love Richie. I haven't let him go. I still love him so much.
This man, my husband, Richie Day, you see, I'm still in love with him and until I let him go I can't love anyone else. That is the truth I had to face today. I can't move forward until I let him go and I let our love go. I have to realize that he's not coming back, ever. He's gone and until I see him in heaven, I have to let him go.
God, tonight I ask you to please help me start letting him go. I need the strength to let him go. I can't do this on my own. All those years and all those problems when I never would leave him, now I have to leave him. I have to leave him with you. I have to let him go and I can't do that without your strength.
Richie, I am trying...I know you want me to let you go but as always, its hard for me to walk away from you. It is, as always, hard for me to let you go. I never was good at that...was I?
Footprints
5 comments:
I came across your blog by accident, and I just want to say how sad I feel for your loss. You are making the steps toward letting go and I hope that you continue letting go a little each day. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is.
Hi Stacie
Your pain leapt at me from the page and I had to comment. May I say this.
I always reflect on a couple of things at times like this. Firstly, the Canadian scientist and geneticist David Suzuki says in his book The Sacred Balance:
Every breath is a sacrament, an affirmation of our connection with all other living things, a renewal of our link with our ancestors and a contribution to generations yet to come. Our breath is a part of life’s breath, the ocean of air that envelops Earth. Unique in the solar system, air is both the creator and the creation of life itself.
He talks about a molecular immortality, that the stuff we are made of readily exchanges with the people we meet and the places we go. So those of you who knew Richie all have a lttle bit of him in you.
The second thing is an old Mexican Indian proverb that talks about us dying three deaths -
The first is when our spirit leaves our body,
The second where our body leaves the site of mortal men and
The third and final time is when our name is last spoken by those who knew and loved us.
So Stacie whilst Richie may have passed on he will always be part of you. There is no need to worry about moving on because there is no need to move on. Time will ease the pain but what you shared together will always be there. Don't be afraid of that - embrace it.
I found your blog through Lozster. I wanted to let you know that I will pray for you as well. When God lays you on my heart, I will know to send a prayer up in your name.
Letting go is never easy and it's okay that you can't do it right now. You're acknowleding that you need to and that's the first step. I feel your pain and my heart hurts for you. In time slowly but surely, the days will feel easier. The sun will seem brighter and warmer one day. I'm so sorry for your loss! I wish I could take away your pain.
I don't think that striving to let your husband go is the good thing. He was a part of you, and he still is. As you grow older and go through other parts of your life, love new people, that old part is always there, because it is part of you.
So I don't think you should try to forget him, or try to stop loving him. Deep down you know that you won't succeed in that.
What you should do, instead, is ,besides keeping your love of your husband as one of the treasures that you store in your heart, starting to learn to love this life that you are living without him.
Until one day you feel that you love life as it is, only then you can start to love someone else that is not Richie.
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