I'm having a hard time again. Just when I thought I was ok and feeling better this last week hit me so hard. I have felt this huge wave pulling me under. I can't sleep again and I seem to be drinking more than I should. I hesitated to even type that because I know that sends alarms out all over the place but I guess I need someone out there to keep some tabs on me and what is going on.
I think the traveling is causing the depression and I turn to drinking. I'm not getting wasted every night but I know I am drinking more than I normally would. Being on the road is so lonely. I know so many people in so many cities but it never fails, at the moment I put that key in the door of my hotel room I realize it is still just me. Not that Richie would have been with me on all these trips but still, there is not that special person to call or waiting for you to call or wondering why you haven't checked in yet. I don't have that and it is so damn hard.
You feel so alone and isolated. I wish my heart was ready for love again but it's not. I'm still in love with Richie. The best thing I could have done was to say that out loud and finally just admit it. My "A" type personality wants me to be better. I set expectations throughout all this that I finally admit, I can't meet them. I push myself thinking that if I try really really hard I will be better and no one has to worry about me. But I give up, I'm not ready for a lot of things. I am not ready for any major change, oh I wish I was ready, God how much I wish I were ready to be back in the "real" world and with someone who loves me. I just can't. Richie still has my heart.
A widow friend told me that instead of working to let Richie go I need to pray that God help Richie let me go. To ask God to heal my heart and have some peace come over me that Richie has let me go and he wants me to love again. I guess it's true, when someone you love with all your heart dies you don't ever think that they "really" want you to move on. You worry that they are upset at your actions with another person so a part of you holds back?
I won't lie, everyone knows Richie and I had a hard as hell marriage. God only knows that we had our fights and we pushed each other to the limits...I think that is why this is so hard. I am scared to trust myself to let someone really love me and "want" to be with me rather than out partying or with the boys.
I am just not sure how to either let Richie go or have him let me go. I know God is working on me right now. I do know that but this healing is hurting.
My little sister said today that I am heart broken over so much and she's right...its broken over Richie dying, my marriage being gone in the blink of an eye, the hardness of my marriage, the loss of Richie's family, and the loss of my innocence regarding life. I guess it just takes a long time for your heart to heal?
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1 comment:
you never got to finish what you started...you had so much invested in it... especially if it was really hard... the harder the relationship the more of your self you have to invest....i know....it isnt fair, it isnt right... it isnt anything... it just is.....
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