Hello...

My name is Stacie. I am 32 years old and I'm a widow. I can't remember much about the last year of my life. I have claimed to friends that I am going to turn "32" again because its unfair I don't remember much of that age.

I am feeling sorry for myself today. I woke up in another hotel room in another city and I was so lonely. I know I have friends I can reach out to and there are people all around me here that I can turn to also, but well, I am just sad, lonely and depressed.

Tonight I go home...to a place that is so different from what I thought it would be. I am trying so hard to adjust. I feel like I make progress but then I take steps back. I get close to someone, then I run...trusting another human being is just about impossible.

They say that the first year is the hardest, however all my widow friends say the 2nd year is worse. I think I kind of see what they mean? This year is when everyone thinks you are better that its time to start "fixing me up" with guys and that when I go out on a date that this guy might turn out to "be the one." I put so much pressure on myself to show others I am ok that there are no more "dark" moments I can't handle. But this morning a dark moment hit. A wave came at me and its going to be all I can do to get through this trade show and make my flight home.

I know in the morning I have to get up and take care of things. I have to wash Levi, get him his medicine and dog food. I need to go see everyone at Greg and Stacy's, not only just for myself and making myself get out of the house, but to also show them that I'm ok. They don't pressure me to go but I know if I wanted to lay in bed they would worry and I know if I go I will laugh and have fun. Richie's name will come up and as always we'll tell stories. That is a part of all our healing and its good for me to hear those stories and laugh right along with them.

I'm just sad...all this seems like work and energy that I just don't feel I have right now. But as I ride this wave out I know I'll find the strength. God always seems to give it to me if I pray and ask him for it.

So...God, please grant me the strength to get through this dark moment. I know you are the only thing that can pull me through and I ask you to please carry me until I can walk again.