What do I do now?

The "First" Christmas without you has come and gone. I can't figure out what to do today. Its like I have no idea what I should be doing. I have spent the last few weeks dreading the past two days and worried about how they are going to affect me. But now those days are behind me and I am not sure what to do with myself today.

Last night I sat in my car and played your WSP cd over and over. I kept playing "City of Dreams" because Todd said that is the song you were playing when you saw him that Saturday. As the song played I talked to God about you and me. I begged him to fix me. To help me get better. I know that everyone hurts when they see what I am going through but I can't explain to anyone my feelings. It's like I took a step backward in healing and I am in the first stages where I don't know what I am is going on with me emotionally, but anger seems to be the one emotion that comes out through the tears. I guess Cathy was right, I am going to go through the stages for a while and when I am out of one I'll just go right back into it a little bit later. I just hate the anger stage. I feel out of control in that one.

It's going to be NYE soon, then Valentine's day, then your birthday and then the 1 year. Then everyone thinks I'll be ok. That's when I am scared that you will be forgotten, that "we" will have been forgotten.

Richie, what do I do now?