Christmas Eve without you...

Tonight I miss you...mom and dad came home with me tonight. I didn't want to stay in Carrollton tonight. I wanted to be home Christmas morning like we have been the last two years. I wanted to wake up, make our hot chocolate and turn the tree on. Its going to be warm but dad said he would help me make a fire anyway since we always tried to have a small one before we left for Albany.

Levi is doing ok...I gave him some treats tonight and he's in here with me in the living room laying on his new bed. Dad made a fire for us. He cleaned out the fireplace like you would have done. The lights are off and the tree is lit and I am sitting here having a glass of wine and just thinking about you, us, our life. All our dreams, what we would have been talking about tonight. What would we have given each other this Christmas? I had planned earlier this year to give you an extender thing for your truck. I know how much you wished you had gotten the longer bed so that would have been the perfect gift. What else would I have bought? A new cd? My mom and I listened to your Government Mule cd all the way here. She loved Soulshine.

I'm wearing the earrings you gave me last year...you know, when we didn't get presents for each other but you went ahead and bought me the diamond hoops and put them in my stocking? You cheated doing that...all I got you was two cd's and a card like we had agreed on. I love them Richie and every time I put them on I remember opening them and you laughing that you had surprised me. You were so happy last Christmas...the truck, your job, and I'd like to think you were just happy thinking about our life and where it was going.

Today at lunch Chuck, Trey and dad all had on their Carharts. All in different colors...Trey made a comment about it. He saw me crying and he came over and hugged me and pointed it out to us all.

A few of us took a walk on the farm. It was hard and I ended up going back to the house. I just kept thinking of how much you loved doing that. How you loved walking or driving around that farm with us all.

We all miss you so much Richie. This Christmas hurts so bad. I can have everyone around, holding me, hugging me, sitting with me but I am so alone. I never saw myself as a lonely person until you died. Now, no matter where I go I am alone and the lonliness hurts but I also would rather be alone, here in our home than anywhere. I know people worry about me because I always want to "go home" but this is where I belong right now- in our home.

I miss you...God how I miss you. I want to feel your face and lay my head on your chest like I always did.

Merry Christmas Richie...I love you with all my heart...and I miss you so much this Christmas Eve. It's just not right that you are not here with me, Levi and KC. Your family is here missing you so much.