Italy

What an amazing trip this has been so far. It started with us getting to Turino late Thursday night. Shayna and Paolo came and picked us up and we went to our hotel. Now saying hotel puts it lightly. Uncle Ricky has us all booked at a 1000 year old castle. I can't even begin to describe how gorgeous it was and the views I was able to see. My most awesome moment was at sunrise on Monday morning. I couldn't sleep very well so I went for a walk at 6am. I went to this area at the castle where I could sit on the roof. So there I was, me and just the moment when the sun came over the alps. I have never felt as close to God as I did at that moment and I was so in awe of what he had created.

Shayna's wedding was picture perfect. I was proud of myself because I was truly happy for her. Weddings have been very hard these past 15 months but her's was different for me. My heart was so full of love for her and the life she was going to share with such an amazing man as Paolo is. I did cry during the "till death do us part" and I guess I always will. I am so glad I was there and I feel as if here in Italy I am letting Richie go even more but more importantly, I am finding that I am happy again. I am laughing and joking and more and more being a widow is not defining me. Its not the first thing I want to tell someone when I meet them...its not the scarlet "W" I felt I was wearing before. I am freeing myself of all of it and I can't explain it but Italy has been what has helped.

Monday morning I took the train with Ricky and Vicki and we went to Milan. We had lunch- yes at McDonald's- we were all a little tired of the huge meals we had been having. So we lunched and had a lot more laughs then they headed to Venice and I went to Rome. I met Kaki here and today we walked and walked and saw some incredible sights. Tomorrow we are going to sightsee some more then Thursday actually take it easy then we fly into Paris on Friday and we'll spend 24 hours there. Then Saturday I head home.

I've got someone waiting for me there and even though I am unsure of what it is, I am very excited to see him and spend time with him. It has taken me 15 months to feel this way about someone. And this is the first time I don't feel guilty or worry about what others think. So no matter what happens my life is going forward and finally I am happy about that. There is no guilt that I lived and he did not. Maybe a part of me has forgiven myself for not being the one who died that night? I always wished it had been me up until these last few weeks. I just felt that if it had been me the pain would have been easier on everyone but I am finally realizing that it wouldn't. And I finally realize that Richie doesn't want me to feel guilty. He wants me to live my life and to enjoy every second. He wants me to be a good person and do good things for others and to use his death as a positive thing and not negative. I've tried to do that but it is finally settling in that it really is ok that I am alive.

God, thank you for this wonderful opportunity. I am in awe of these places you created and I feel very blessed to have been able to see them in my lifetime.