Whipporwills

Have you ever sat so quiet in your backyard that you can hear a whipporwill calling out for its mate? Tonight I sat in the backyard with Levi listening to the silence and I heard one call out. It seemed to circle around my house and every call came from a different location.

It makes me kind of feel like that is what I am doing, calling out for someone. I'm not sure who I am looking for though? I am no longer looking for Richie. He's gone and I know it. Even if there are times that I let myself "look" for him, I know in my heart he is truly not going to come back to me.

So...who am I looking for? I'm beginning to date. Wow, just typing that out here makes it real. Yeah, I have met some guys through all this and have gone on dates the past few months, but as my counselor says, I was in a tunnel vision of sorts. I was attracted to the wrong type of guys and of course I knew in my heart that was "safe" because it wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't allow myself to look around at all the nice guys. But now I am trying to look around more and see that there are some nice guys out there and that even if I am not ready to find "the one" it is nice to know I can go out, have a nice dinner and have someone put me as a priority.

Being 32, widowed and coming from a relationship and marriage that was hard...to say it nicely, this dating thing is terrifying. I don't know what to do or say or how to act half the time when they try to do nice things for me.

The hardest part is also telling them my story. How do you tell someone that you are widowed. Sounds pretty simple and straight forward huh? Well, it's not. Think of what all comes with being a widow...there are fears that were not there before...there is a innocence that was lost and to say it nicely, we widows don't put up with much crap. We know that we deserve better and we know that there is something worse than not having a guy call. BUT, we still freak out if the guy doesn't because, its not that he might not like us, it's that he might be dead somewhere. How is that for a reality check. You forget to call the widow becuase you got busy and when you talk to her she is pretty much hysterical because she was worried you were dead. Now, that hasn't happened to me but it has to some of my widow friends and I "feel" those emotions at times now while I am starting this dating thing. I can't imagine what it will be like for a guy that I do like and begin to have a relationship with. I am sure I will scare the bejesus out of him.

Widowhood is just flat out hard. It is never simple and there is never one right answer. He died, I lived, now I have to go on with my life and that means I want to find someone to love and to have a family with. The question is, is how do you go about doing that in a "normal" way now that you have gone through burying your 34 year old husband?