33...Older and Wiser?

I am not sure what I am today...older and wiser or what? I'm sad. I spent the day at the pool yesterday with the girls then we all got dressed up and went out. We had a great time, I laughed, I danced but then it hit me...he's gone, I'm still here and even when I am surrounded by people I am lonely.

I hate that feeling and the sad thing is that I am getting used to how it feels. All I want to do today is stay in bed. I don't really want to even think that today is my birthday. It's just another year away from when Richie was alive. It is another stepping stone away from that life and the fact that I seemed to have a pretty good future.

I told someone this morning...I am sad that I don't even like any guys in my life. I have been dating a bit, nothing serious, nothing amazing or whatever, but the sad reality is there is no one I think about all the time or want to see more often that not. No one out there is what I want. I want my old life back...even with all the bad parts, I want it back. I want time with Richie to work out our differences. I want time with him to learn to love each other the way only a husband and wife can do over years of being married. I want to watch him grow old and still be in love with him as each hair turns gray and each wrinkle appears.

I guess what it boils down to is that I want to KNOW someone like that again but how do you do that? I have no clue. I'm trying, I go out, I meet guys, I have tried to become a better person out of all of this but HOW do you really get to that point again? How do you trust someone, how do you open yourself up...it seems so hard now.

I know eventually I have to get up today, take a shower and show everyone that I am ok and smile even though it hurts to do it. But for just this moment I want to just tell the world, "I'm sad and I hate my life." I just wish there was something I could do about it.