Traveling or Hiding?

I seem obsessed about traveling these days. I gladly accept trips if my bosss presents them to me. I crave to distance myself from HERE. Where is here, I have no idea. I just know I am restless and I seem to wake up wanting to be somewhere else.

I guess I am beginning to face the reality of the next 5 weeks and what lies ahead in them.

Last night I talked to one of his childhood friends- Steven. A couple of years Steven found himself in trouble and he has been in jail for the last two years. The Thanksgiving before Richie died I did some research and found his address in jail and I began writing him letters from Richie and I. I would send him pictures and articles...Richie would add a little something or tell me to mention something funny to him. Richie even wrote him once by himself- huge because Richie wasn't the best of communicators, but he did it for Steven.

After Richie died Steven asked in a letter if he could add my number to his call list and begin calling once a month. The phone calls are hard at times. Last night was particularly hard because he said he's been trying to figure out what day to call me in April...the 12th (Richie's 35th birthday) or April 18th. He said he finally decided on the 12th because he wants to celebrate what that day is for his buddy- a special day, one for smiles and memories. The 18th he's just going to write me and pray for me. He feels guilt that he didn't spend time with Richie like he wanted to or should have in the last years. It seems his only peace comes from being at our wedding a month before he went in and also he cherishs that letter Richie wrote. He's read it to me shortly after after he started calling. He cried as he read it...he misses his best friend.

They all do...Rad, Todd, all of those boys miss their best buddy. You see the hole in their life and I know that I am a constant reminder of what they lost too. They have all handled this in so many different ways...one runs and travels like I have done and tries to act as if he's ok, one keeps it all inside but the pain is so evident every time a story is told or a memory is relived, one has taken the hard road of drugs and alcohol to deal with it. I get late night text messages referring to Widespread Panic songs and how much they miss him. One choses to not speak of him at all...stay focused seems to be his motto, but I see the tears as he acts strong.

All of these men...but boys in so many ways surround me and take care of me and have never let me down from the moment they found out their best friend was gone.

I was trying to figure out the best way to celebrate his life and what to do with myself on the 18th. We came up with a plan...we are going to Richie's favorite place- The Wing Ranch- and we are going to order pitchers of beer, the hottest wings you can find and we are going to sit and talk, remember, cry, and toast our best friend.

Richie, we all miss you so much...the pain is not as harsh but there is this hole that will never be filled. When we are all together, we feel you missing.