Jackson Hole

We were there last year today. How could one year have gone by that we were there? It seems like yesterday that we were skiing together...sharing a beer up on the slope laughing and talking about how we were going to ski out west every year and that going back to North Carolina would be so hard after skiing mountains like this.

I'm so angry that you were not able to live your life...you should have been able to wake up with Levi, KC and I today. You should be looking forward to your birthday, Easter at Grandpa's, even a baby if I had gotten pregnant over the summer. I would be due soon...but instead I wake up alone.

Everyone says that one day I will love again...I know you would want that too but it's so hard to even imagine anyone in my life like that? How do you open your heart again? Trust that they won't die on you? I know that you would be so matter of fact if I could talk to you right now. You would tell me that yes you loved me, yes we had a good life but that is gone now and I have to look forward. You would never mince words with me. You would just be practical because that is how you were. But me, I can't think like that. My heart just doesn't warm up anymore to anyone. I feel blank a lot of times inside. The only people that I warm up to our the kids- Caroline, Sam, Latson, Emie, Austin, Sloan, Esco, the twins and the Schiffer kids. It's almost like they are the only little hearts I trust? They won't hurt me? Even when I read that I see that it sounds ridiculous but somehow there is truth in it. I can trust them because they won't hurt me.

I pull back when people hug me, I don't always look people in the eye anymore. Now as the month of April approaches I know that I am going back into my shell

I want to have hope again but for now it's too hard to let myself trust that there is such a thing for my future.