I can't believe it's March. Today when I was paying bills and I had to write the date on a check I was amazed that it is March. How did this much time go by? I went back and read some of my older posts like my counselor told me to do every now and then.
I think back to those first weeks after he died and how helpless I felt. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to go. I prayed a lot. I would go outside in the yard and sit up on the hill looking down and I would just tell God I was lost. It was almost as if I were outside I was closer to God? But then again I wanted to come out of my skin so anywhere was always better than where I was at the moment.
Now I am more comfortable in my own skin. I am gaining my confidence back and I am beginning to stand up for myself and my life now. I am doing things on my own and making decisions that I am total responsible for. I know it has been hard for my parents and sisters during all this. I know that it has to be hard to know that there is nothing you can do to help me. I look back at the times I yelled at my mom about the thank you cards and I feel horrible. But I wasn't myself back then. I didn't want to thank anyone for plants because if felt it was in exchange for Richie. But I didn't know how to let out that anger except towards my mom. Then it seemed my dad was next in line. Nothing he said or did was right. I felt smothered and controlled by everyone around me. I needed space, I still do, but now I am learning how to get it...I have to be honest and I have to tell the people around me I need it or I have to tell friends and famiy when I need them around me.
I have lost some friends in this process. People were in my life constantly when Richie died and then there lives continued but mine seemed stalled and well, it just didn't go well together. I was angry, they were confused as to what they had done...but in a way, I found true friendships in this process too. I found people who never left my side, no matter how I treated them with my crazy emotions...they never left and I have no idea where I would be without them.
March is here and next will be April...I am nervous, scared, frustrated, disappointed, sad, but most of all, I am nervous...what is my next step. After April 18th my life won't magically change for the better but I really hope that when I wake up on the 19th I'll be able to find a smile.
Richie, I miss you.
Footprints
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2 comments:
Stacie, I am so proud of the person you have become. The journey you have been on these last 11 months has been a lonely and difficult one, but I can see how much you have learned about yourself and others. Sometimes we don't know why things happen to us, but I believe life is meant to be a journey. We have to experience the good and the bad to understand ourselves and to understand the world around us. I can remember you saying that you didn't think you would ever be able to make it through Richie's death, BUT YOU HAVE! And you will continue to make it! But your journey isn't ever going to be over. The knowledge you have gained from your experiences will allow you to help others make it through their tough times. With knowledge comes understanding. I truly believe that all of the things we go through are God's way of giving us tools (experiences),to fill up our toolbox, to prepare us for life. I love you, and I am so proud of the courage you have shown throughout these 11 months.
Stacie, I am so proud of the person you have become. The journey you have been on these last 11 months has been a lonely and difficult one, but I can see how much you have learned about yourself and others. Sometimes we don't know why things happen to us, but I believe life is meant to be a journey. We have to experience the good and the bad to understand ourselves and to understand the world around us. I can remember you saying that you didn't think you would ever be able to make it through Richie's death, BUT YOU HAVE! And you will continue to make it! But your journey isn't ever going to be over. The knowledge you have gained from your experiences will allow you to help others make it through their tough times. With knowledge comes understanding. I truly believe that all of the things we go through are God's way of giving us tools (experiences),to fill up our toolbox, to prepare us for life. I love you, and I am so proud of the courage you have shown throughout these 11 months.
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