Scars...

Today I went to try on bathing suits and I noticed the scars on my knees. I don't talk much about them...but when I found Richie and performed CPR on him the carpet burn on my knees was so bad that it scabbed over and later left scars. They're fading a little but they are still there on both legs. They are the last physical reminders of that night. I had the carpet cleaned, Rad and the guys took the weight machine out the week of the funeral, Marlie and I put a couch and coffee table in the office to change it around...so basically the room is completely different.

But the scars are on my knees. I guess they always will be? Scars are like badges of honor aren't they? They always seem to tell a story of some crazy adventure in someone's life. What do my scars mean? I am not sure yet. I want to say they are the truth of that night, that I tried desperately to save Richie. I never felt my legs bleeding...I never felt any pain until the next morning when I got up and it hurt to walk a little. I didn't think they would scar because Shayna and everyone put creams and stuff on them to keep them from scarring, but they still did.

I will always have these scars. They are now a part of me and just like the rest of me, I will heal and get better but there will be some scarring...I guess that is what I need to understand for myself...that I can't push myself to be my old self...I will never be here again. It is just so hard to let go who you used to be.

I miss you Richie.