Italy

What an amazing trip this has been so far. It started with us getting to Turino late Thursday night. Shayna and Paolo came and picked us up and we went to our hotel. Now saying hotel puts it lightly. Uncle Ricky has us all booked at a 1000 year old castle. I can't even begin to describe how gorgeous it was and the views I was able to see. My most awesome moment was at sunrise on Monday morning. I couldn't sleep very well so I went for a walk at 6am. I went to this area at the castle where I could sit on the roof. So there I was, me and just the moment when the sun came over the alps. I have never felt as close to God as I did at that moment and I was so in awe of what he had created.

Shayna's wedding was picture perfect. I was proud of myself because I was truly happy for her. Weddings have been very hard these past 15 months but her's was different for me. My heart was so full of love for her and the life she was going to share with such an amazing man as Paolo is. I did cry during the "till death do us part" and I guess I always will. I am so glad I was there and I feel as if here in Italy I am letting Richie go even more but more importantly, I am finding that I am happy again. I am laughing and joking and more and more being a widow is not defining me. Its not the first thing I want to tell someone when I meet them...its not the scarlet "W" I felt I was wearing before. I am freeing myself of all of it and I can't explain it but Italy has been what has helped.

Monday morning I took the train with Ricky and Vicki and we went to Milan. We had lunch- yes at McDonald's- we were all a little tired of the huge meals we had been having. So we lunched and had a lot more laughs then they headed to Venice and I went to Rome. I met Kaki here and today we walked and walked and saw some incredible sights. Tomorrow we are going to sightsee some more then Thursday actually take it easy then we fly into Paris on Friday and we'll spend 24 hours there. Then Saturday I head home.

I've got someone waiting for me there and even though I am unsure of what it is, I am very excited to see him and spend time with him. It has taken me 15 months to feel this way about someone. And this is the first time I don't feel guilty or worry about what others think. So no matter what happens my life is going forward and finally I am happy about that. There is no guilt that I lived and he did not. Maybe a part of me has forgiven myself for not being the one who died that night? I always wished it had been me up until these last few weeks. I just felt that if it had been me the pain would have been easier on everyone but I am finally realizing that it wouldn't. And I finally realize that Richie doesn't want me to feel guilty. He wants me to live my life and to enjoy every second. He wants me to be a good person and do good things for others and to use his death as a positive thing and not negative. I've tried to do that but it is finally settling in that it really is ok that I am alive.

God, thank you for this wonderful opportunity. I am in awe of these places you created and I feel very blessed to have been able to see them in my lifetime.

Italy

Tomorrow at this exact moment I will be sitting at dinner with all my cousins and Shayna's groom's parents at their farm in Northwest Italy.

I am still amazed I will be there in just 12 hours. These last few days leading up to it have been overwhelming. There are many reasons for that but for the first time in my life I don't really want to share...I am keeping it to myself until I understand just what it is.

I'm so anxious about the flight but what is making it easy is that Summer and her boyfriend Marwan are with me on my flight and then Whitney and her husband Mike are on our same flight in Paris to Turino. It just makes me feel better knowing someone on the plane is family. I know, sounds so ridiculous but its just true. I feel comforted knowing they are with me.

I wonder if Richie is proud of me for taking this trip. I wonder what he would have to say about this trip? I've got his wedding ring on for the trip. I haven't worn it in a while but today I put it on. I guess I want him to be "with" me on the trip? I want to somehow feel as if he is sharing this experience with me.

So, with that I've got to shut down and get my things ready. Hopefully I'll get some time to write from there and update you on how I am doing.

God, thank you for this opportunity...I know I am very lucky to be able to take this trip. I ask that you and Richie watch over me as I take another step forward in my life.

Longest Trip Away From Home

In the last three years I have been on the road so much...175,000 miles to be exact. I have traveled all over the US and Canada with a few trips to Mexico here and there. But I've never been as far as I am about to go and well, to sum it up, I'm pretty nervous.

Shayna is getting married in Turin, Italy and when she announced it I knew that that is where I wanted to use Richie's Skymiles. I booked the trip without really looking back. I was ready. I've spent the last month planning and asking others to go with me and Kaki is going to now meet me in Rome.

Most of the time when I have a vacation planned I research it and I plan and plan, but not this one. I haven't let myself look at one internet site or read one book. In fact, I haven't really wanted to. The last few weeks I have talked about it a lot and listened as others have given me advice on what to do and where to go but I haven't let myself really believe I am going.

I think its because I am so scared to be so far from home. What if something happens to someone and I am not here? Such a simple fear that is not unrealistic but I guess after losing Richie my fear is a little more powerful. I have felt anxious and sick to my stomach today thinking about it. I am really going far away from everything I am familiar with. In the last year and 1/2 all I have bounced from wanting to be around the familiar to wanting to be around the unknown so I can disappear into the crowds and not be, "Stacie the Widow."

Come Monday I fly to Boston and have meetings then Summer will meet me there and she and I will board the plane and head out Wednesday night for Turin. Then I'll take a train from there on Monday to meet Kaki in Rome. We'll spend a few days there then head to a night in Paris before we fly home. I know I am ready and I know this is something I truly want to do but I'm nervous...I want to enjoy every single minute of it. I don't want my widowhood to be apart of this trip at all...I just want to be a little American girl traveling abroad with her friend and expereiencing a new adventure.

Richie, I hope you are up there watching me take this step and are proud of me...the old Stacie would have never done this without you. This would have been a trip I would have had to talk you into but I know you would have gone with me and I know you would have loved seeing it all with me. I miss you and think of you all the time...I hate that I am living this life and you were not given that chance. I miss you Richie...so much...

Life Changes

Wow...I'm selling the house...there are changes going on here at work, I'm dating...life is changing and I'm trying hard to just go with the changes.

I'm not sure where I'm going though and what these changes will mean? I'm not looking for someone to marry...I'm not looking for anything serious...I am the complete opposite of all my single friends. Yeah, I'm lonely and I want to have someone to do things with but I also am so protective of my heart these days. I will meet someone, start to like them but I also realize I don't put all my cards on the table. I hide my being a widow for the most part. I do this for two reasons- one I hate that that is what people define me by when they find out. Secondly, I know that when I let someone in to that part of my life I am vulnerable. I do not want to be vulnerable and I don't want pity.

Confusing huh? It's even more so in my head and heart! One minute I think, "Ok, I've got this." Then the next I am all emotionally wrapped up into something or someone and I lose control again. See...I'm all over the map with this!

The house selling is going well. I have had a lot of people look at it and there are a couple of people that are looking promising? I hope so...I know selling is going to be crazy, I mean, where am I going to go?! But I know that if I go ahead and sell it I will be glad I did and maybe, just maybe with all the things going on in my life the hurt won't settle in too much because I won't have time to think about it.

Saying goodbye to my home will be hard but saying goodbye to the life I had with Richie there is going to be even tougher. But, I'm ok...I am really ok.

Death of a friend...

When my mom called me this morning to tell me that Laura had committed suicide I have to admit, I wasn't shocked. Laura was someone that for many years hurt so deep inside that it was hard to even understand the pain she was in.

I will never forget running into her when I was junior in high school, at a store in our home town. I was telling her how I was looking for a summer job, not sure exactly what I was going to do but I was looking. She told me about this drug awareness camp for underpriviledged kids that the city recreation department put on each year. So, at her urging, I signed up to help. So for the next 4 years for two weeks she and I would drive all around Carrollton visiting city recreational facilities doing activities with the kids and feeding them snacks each afternoon. At the end of the two weeks we always took them to Tanner State Park for a fun afternoon on the beach there. One year she offered to drive me home becuase my car wasn't running right. I was 17 years old at the time and I thought I was so cool riding around with her. We grabbed some food and drove to a park in town to sit, eat and rest after our crazy day at camp.

She and I talked for a few hours and in fact, I was late getting home and got into trouble with mom and dad. Anyway, Laura told me the story about her mother's death. She told me how she found her in the bathtub and that the memory was always coming back to haunt her. She told me how that was why her hair fell out at times- anxiety. She was on medication but she hated taking it...it made her sick and she didn't always know if it was working on her depression. I will never ever for the rest of my life forget sitting her her at that picnic table and seeing her cry and her bright blue eyes looking gray from sadness.

After we stopped working the camp I would run into her from time to time and we would always hug, share a memory and go about our lives but we always had that afternoon between us.

Last night Laura was too tired to fight anymore...the depression and the trajedy in her life finally was too much for her and she couldn't hold on anymore. My heart is breaking as I think of her, as Laura always said, "baby" brother Andy and her older brother Alan. Her husband has to be devastated and I wish that I could take their pain away. I know the coming days, months and weeks will be so hard for her father and family and I hope that God surrounds them with his love as they try to make sense of this sad sad day.

July 4th, "Simple Livin,"and Memories

Richie and I first went to Tennessee for the annual Day family reunion on July 4th 2001. We went up to stay with Grandma Day and the family to attend. It is a tradition with his family to go up there. Richie insisted that we went every year and so we did. Tomorrow they are all going to gather and have some good home cooked food, sing some songs and share memories of people that came before...Richie will now be one of those that they will "remember" in their thoughts as Judy, Fred, Grandma, and Chase sit down with them all.

Richie used to sum up life on Day Hollow Road as "Simple Livin." After he would say it he would smile that Day smile and laugh. He loved it up there, probably more than anything he ever had in his life. He would get up before the sun did and would be out hunting. Then he would come in, eat some breakfast and go right out the door to help Grandma with anything that needed to be done. That usually meant Richie got to spend hours on the bushhog, which kept him so content.

He never knew this but there were times I would go look out the window or walk Levi to the stream just so I could see him...I guess in many ways I was always "watching" Richie, trying to figure him out. But there in Tennessee I would watch this man, my best friend, my boyfriend then my husband. I would see his focus on the farm and making sure the chores were done. I would watch him do things and every single time I watched him my heart would melt and I swear, I fell in love with him every time. He was hard to love sometimes but my heart fell for him so many times I can't count. He was such a man to me...I just loved him so much.

Tonight I am sitting here listening to the crickets and having a glass of wine. My July 4th just doesn't have much celebration in it like it used to. Will I ever go back to really celebrating a holiday, a birthday or a special occasion like I used to? I'm not sure? I hope I will some day?

"Simple Living" is all Richie wanted out of life...but then again his life was never simple. But he loved everything he had in his life and when he did something, he did it right or he tried his damndest to get it right.

One day I know that the hurt is going to fade and I realize I am more sensitive lately to everything because I am selling the house.

Last night the "handyman" that I hired came to do some work and I have to tell you...there was a moment I stopped breathing when I saw his truck in the drive. It was a 1999 F-150. Black with a tool box. I walked outside to grab something for him and I looked up and saw it. I didn't notice it earlier because he came in the front door, but when I saw it my heart dropped and I had to sit on the steps in the garage for a little bit. I, just for a moment, pretended it was Richie's and that I was getting the tool for him and that when I walked back inside it was him fixing the garbage disposal. But I knew it wasn't...I just for a moment wished to God it was.

After the house was quiet last night I snuck in the kitchen and sat there and cried. I 'm not sure why but I just feel as if I am starting my "goodbye" process with the house and with letting it go. I feel as if I am leaving Richie and I can't lie, it hurts. But I have to move, I can't live in this house anymore. Everywhere I turn he is there or a memory of us is there. We were only here a short time but there are so many memories here and it tears me up each time I come home to the emptiness of our old life.

Happy July 4th Richie Day...I will never forget our last one...we had gone to Pennsylavania to spend it with my family and when we got home you drove me all over the area so I could see fireworks...and I did, on top of Highland Point- the neighborhood across the street. You worked magic that night and for that memory I will forever be grateful God gave it to me. I love you Fred Day.

Home for sale...moving forward...old or new?

well, i officially started looking at homes this weekend. wow, there are so many out there in the area i am looking in. of course everything is a little more expensive than i can afford. as i am looking i realize that when kaki asks me what i think about them that i am the only person she is asking. i am the decision maker here...me. that hit me today because i guess sometimes i still think there is this other person who can come in and contradict me or not feel the same. because honestly, richie always made the big decisions. i didn't want the home we bought. i wanted the newer one down the street. but no, richie wanted this one and honestly, we kind of always did what richie wanted if he put his foot down. i love my home though and i am so thankful we had it together.

as i look at the homes i get confused...old or new...which is truly better? the old ones have such personality and a "home" feel. but they require a lot of work and since it is just me now i just don't know if i can handle an older home on my own. but of course, the new ones are more expensive so i am having to make decisions about down payments and other things that i never thought i would have to think about. its stressful because i hate thinking about money and worrying about trying to make it all work.

so...i'm moving forward and its hard but there is also a feeling of accomplishment as i work towards selling my home and moving into a new one.

and with that...i'm off to touch up the walls around here and then i have to buy a new microwave.

god, thanks for looking out for me and i ask you to please give me some of richie's common sense and financial sense to make the right decisions. i want to make him proud and right now i am just not sure in which direction to go with a home? new or old?