My So Called Life

Do you ever look around and think, "God my life just went down the toliet, didn't it?" I know I have loads to be a grateful for and I do remind myself of those things regularly but wow, the script of my life looks nothing like it did just a year ago.

This grief stuff is HUGE and all encompassing. I frequently feel like my head is so far up my own butt that even today I can't see anyone else but me! I'm really overwhelmed just dealing with me. I'm amazed at how many times I've heard "she must move on." I've decided that is code for she must start dating. But I really I don't want to. I want to be happy with me and that's still a work in progress.

Amazing how we all can't handle anything but a Hollywood ending. Every single relationship I have had in the past has changed since Danny died. Every single one. And it makes you feel like a stranger in a strange land, looking for some familiarity but you can't find any.

I used to be such a nice polite person. I'm still relatively polite but I take my bluntness to the extreme. I have no patience for fluff and nonsense and often don't care if there are hurt feelings. In truth, many people irritate me. I lost my husband and then got royally abused by his family. I know where all this anger and hatred stems from and it's made me a pretty petulant widow. If I don't enjoy someones company, I don't want to hang out with them again. And all I feel is enormous relief at making those kinds of choices for myself.

Lordy me, where am I going with all of this? Basically, I feel like the fruit loop of widows, I feel like I could be that crazy lady on the corner screaming at the passing cars. Somethings not quite right with me. May be this is the "new normal", and all it needs a big dose of tweaking, shaping, rebuilding and acceptance. May be it's just those new year's blues. Does anyone else still feel enormously unhinged at times? Therapists should not necessarily go on vacation.

-Written by a Rachel D- a young widow friend of mine-