Lost or Found?

Tonight I flew back from a work trip and as is the case since Richie died I got my "coming home depression." As we began our decent into Atlanta, I closed my eyes and I asked God questions...what is my purpose in life now? Where do I go from here...and where is here? What do I want, what do I feel and where is my future?

As little girls we grow up planning our lives out...what our husbands are going to be like, where will we live, how many children will we have...all those things that you whispered and giggled about under the covers with your girlfriends.

I am realizing that my life will never live up to that fairytale anymore. Not that anyone's life is truly a fairytale, but for me I won't fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily ever after anymore. I will always have fallen in love with Richie first. For me, this is a badge of honor, a true testament for who I am now and who I will be as I grow in my grief. It's something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. But for others, it's sad, it's depressing, it's something no one wants to see or acknowledge. To others, it's too painful to even comprehend so they chose to think of the positive...that I am young and will one day find someone, marry and live happily ever after...

But for me...Richie and his death are a part of who I am. I don't want to forget it too soon. I need to take the time to cherish every moment his life gave mine. I need to spend time remembering everything I can about him, me and our life together. It's a part of my being, my soul, my heart.

Heather told me earlier tonight that even though I feel that I am "lost" I am probably not as lost as I think I am. I hope she is right. I don't want to be lost anymore. I am ready to be found, but I want to find myself on my own.