Feeling Again?

1-3 Months- denial
3-6 Months- pain/depression
6 Month- Reality sets in
7-9 Months- Light
9-12 Months- Reflection/Pain

These pretty much sum up my grief journey so far. Of course there are low points, so low that you think your life is over and there is no getting better. Then there are high points where it really does hit you that you didn't think about him first thing when you woke up or when you went to bed. Those moments are the most terrifying.

I am trying to stay busy now. More so because I know that when I stop and slow down I will see just how far I have come. I will see that I am smiling, I am laughing, I am looking forward to things again. I am scared to stop and see all of that because that means I am healing and when you heal that means (in a widow's mind) that he's not as fresh in your memory. You are moving ahead without him. He is no longer your present or your future.

Tonight I sat and went through some pictures. I didn't cry. I just looked. I looked at his eyes, his ears, his nose, the mole on his face he hated and always asked if he should get removed. I tried to memorize every detail. I wanted to remember, to feel, to "see" my Richie again.

I am reflecting on it all. I know that in three months it will be 1 year. I have gone one year without Richie. It's terrifying to let myself think that. To allow my mind and heart to process that fact. I try to stay busy because for now it's easier not to let myself "go there." It's so much easier on me to try to ignore it and put it away. I know that this is only going to last so long. I know that in a month or so it's going to hit me and it's going to hit hard. But this time I think I'll be prepared. I'll be able to let the wave hit me, knock me down, and I'll float in the water for a while...then I'll stand up and walk back on shore. I'll be exhausted but I'll make it back to the safety of the shore.

Richie, I miss you.