Boredom...

This word has an entirely new meaning to me these days. I can have a million things on my calendar for the day, week, month, but I am still bored.

I go out, I meet friends, I stay home and read, I exercise...but whatever it is I am doing it never really matters...I am bored.

I feel as if I am in a holding pattern right now. What is my next step? It is the 90 day count down until the 1 year sadversary as we widows call it. I guess in my mind I don't feel as if I will see any realy meaning to life until after that day? That somehow when I wake up the day after April 18th, 2007 I will miraculously be "better" or "healed" from all my grieving.

I asked a widow friend the other night, "were we this bored when they were alive?" I don't think so...I looked forward to coming home and cooking dinner. I loved it when we made our weekend plans. Richie and I used to always complain that all we ever did was pack on Thursday night and unpack on Sunday nights...we were a weekend suitcase family. But we had it all down to a science. I would make a list of what we had to pack, I would email it to him and he would add in his things or make changes. We never seemed bored.

But now that is just how my life feels. Nothing excites me. Tomorrow I am heading out to Salt Lake for a work trip. I tagged on an extra day so I could go up to Park City and ski. I'm nervous. Last May when I did the same thing and drove to Snowbird I didn't even put on my ski clothes. I was too sad to ski. I mean, the last 5 years I have only been with Richie. I was just too scared to even try. I had a feeling I would get too emotional and not be able to make it down. But Tuesday I am skiing with a good friend. I am going to put those skis on and make Richie smile down at me. I know he'll be proud of his "pretty lady" going and doing one of our favorite things.

On a random note I had the sweetest thing happen to me today at WalMart. There is this old man that works there in the garden department. Over the last two years we've gotten to where we chat each time I go in. When I went to WalMart the first time after Richie died, he knew immediately something was wrong. I probably gave it away with the no makeup, looking like I hadn't taken a shower in a week or it could have just been the lost look I have acquired in this new life. Anyway, that day he carried my bags out for me and we talked for a long time. He is a very religious man and he shared some wonderful scriptures with me. Tonight when I went in he said he had been worried about me because he hadn't seen me since before Thanksgiving. He said I was looking good- got on to me about the "eating" thing-but he told me he had prayed for me constantly over Christmas. I told him that I have noticed something...whenever I am sad and then something makes me smile for no particular reason I know it is a prayer from someone coming through God to touch me.

He smiled and he said that I had a lot of angels out in the world and he thinks they are delivering all the prayers to me personally right now because I need the strength. He is an angel and you know what, we've never even told each other our names...but we talk as if we have known each other forever...I think he's an angel that Richie sent to me and one day I will be an angel for him and hopefully be there for him.

I miss you so much tonight Richie...Levi, KC and I are sitting here by the fire. He's chewing a dog bone and KC is just staring at him. Your little family is thinking about you and we love you so much.