Demons

Have you ever felt as if the demons of your past could take you over? As I sit here in another hotel in another hotel room I realize that my demons can still reach me. Richie and I had so many problems and as much as I try to bury them deep within me they always seem to come out. In the weirdest ways, strangest times, they come out and they scare me into believing that I am not worth a new life. That his death is a punishment for everything I couldn't fix or make better within us?

I carry this with me...and it is such a heavy burden. I want to love without doubt, without fear but my scars are so deep that when I think it is all better and that I am "finally" better I realize I am just alone in a hotel room staring at myself in the mirror...wondering where my life is going next. Will I one day wake up alone again? Will John love me forever or will one day he look at me and realize I am not worth all this?

That is what deep scars I have...when Richie died...a part of me died with him. I will never get it back. I will never be a whole person again. I will always wonder, would if "he" dies again and leaves me? What will stop life from taking him from me again. Some people fear this all their lives but very few of us know what this fear feels like as you try to save someone's life. When I did CPR on Richie I knew he was dead. I knew deep inside me he was not waking up. My heart knew that he was gone. And with the last breath I blew into him I knew a part of me was gone and would never be found again. I was innocent when I walked in the door last night but when I left that house going to the hospital I became and adult in a way I never thought was possible. I became an adult in a way my mom and dad will never understand.

Its just me...I'm alone in this...even a year and a half later. I am the one fighting the demons that still haunt me. As I sit here in this hotel room I feel the emptiness, the heaviness of widowhood. The realization that I know I will never be the same. I know that everyone around me thinks that I am now "ok" I am "fine" I am dating someone...so that means that I am "better" but I know better I know that yeah, I love someone again, I am so happy with him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but I know that the demons are with me...they always are. They aren't going away anytime soon and I can smile, laugh, and put on the "happy face" but I know that the demons will remain with me.

The holidays are approaching again...he is not here, he is in the ground in Albany. He is not here to share in the warmth of the holidays...he is buried in a lonely place that I can't hold his hand or tell him how much I miss him or how much I loved him. These are the demons...the images of my past. The images of my future that are so torn between John and what it would it have been with Richie...John brings me such happiness...he makes me smile. He looks at me and I know that he loves me...see, I know I am the love of his life. And God, that makes me feel so amazing...

Demons...they can haunt us and hurt us but God, please help me put these in the past...