Scarred forever?

Last night John and I had a great evening together. He surprised me at my tennis match and then we met later at my house to make dinner and watch tv. I love our Sunday nights together. We have made it our tradition to make sure we make dinner together and spend quality time alone. These nights are so special to me.

He wasn't feel really well though last night. He hurt himself working out..that in itself causes me to get worried but I try not to show it. But deep down I get panicky. I have now given myself to someone else. I have opened my heart up to the possibility of a future with this man, but would if something happens to him?

The part that got me really scared was that he was tired and wanted to go to bed early. Now I know, for a normal person, that is not abnormal but for me it is a red flag, a warning I should pay close attention to because I didn't with Richie. Richie was tired night after night for about two weeks before he died. He would go to bed early and sleep for 12 hours on a normal worknight. But I didn't think anything of it. I thought he was just stressed.

So last night I laid there, literally watching John sleep. I would put my hand on his chest to make sure I could hear his heart and feel his breathing. I felt like a freak but I couldn't stop. At one point I even cried a little...because I felt so crazy. Am I out of my mind? I am sure if he woke up and saw what I was doing he would wonder what the heck was wrong with me?!?! I know I would if I woke up and he was laying there watching my every breath.

Am I scarred forever, am I going to be like this for years and years? Will I do this to my children? Will I always wonder that they are going to fall asleep and not wake up. My friends say that they get this way with their new babies...that makes me so nervous because if "normal" people are like that then what will I be like? The extreme?

I can't lose John. I worry about it every single day. I look online and I see a car crash on the news and I make sure i pull up pictures so I can see what kind of car it is and make sure it is not his. I watch for his calls/texts throughout the day because if a long time goes by (a few hours at the most) I seriously begin to worry. I wish that I could say I am exaggerating but I'm not and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I hate to show that I have this crazy worry side to me that sometimes takes control of me and I have to find him or talk to him to make it calm down.

God, please help me have peace in my heart and know that you are going to take care of me and you will make sure that everything is ok. God, even as I type this prayer to you I know that if it is in your will to take John or someone close to me, I can't do anything about it and that terrifies me. I can't go through another funeral...not for a while.