Lonely but not Alone

I am learning that God is always with me. I may not can touch Him or feel Him, but he is with me. I can turn to prayer any time and its like making a long distance phone call to a friend.

I find myself praying a lot about my life and my feelings. I have a unique way of praying, something I have never done before...I go upstairs to the office and I lay on the couch and I just start talking. Sometimes I just talk to God but most days I talk to both he and Richie. I tell them I am sad or lonely but mainly I just ask them to please show me the path I am supposed to take. I tell them when I am worried or when I am stressing about something and even when I don't get a "miracle" answer it seems like somehow soon after my feelings of panic or whatever subside.

I am beginning find strength in my lonliness these days. I am starting to get comfortable in this new life of mine. My habits have changed...I no longer drive home the same way I did before Richie died. I no longer watch the same television shows that we watched together, I don't make the same things for dinner, ect...but I am finding strength in this new me. It is liberating in some ways to see that these changes are good for me and they are helping me heal.

It has taken time to realize that I no longer answer to anyone. If I want to get the garbage disposal fixed, I call someone and I get it fixed. If I want something new for the house, I buy it. I am a responsible adult and it has taken 10 months for me to trust myself with that fact. All my life I have sought advice on just about every major decision in my life...first I leaned on my dad and then once I met Richie I began to turn to him. I just never seemed to completely trust my own judgement and always needed their support. Now, these decisions are all mine and its beginning to seem comfortable to make these decision on my own. What a strange concept.

I am alone a lot these days and the lonliness can sometimes really get to me but I am adjusting to it and I am learning that its ok to be lonely sometimes. In fact, its the best thing I can do for myself right now...be alone and be content with ME.