It is still strong

The grief is still so strong. Last night I was supposed to meet Amy and some friends but I decided to stay in. I built a fire and watched all my tivo'd shows. I have tried to stay busy these last two weeks so I haven't seen a lot of my shows.

Grey's Anatomy just broke me. Seeing Meredith laying on that table...the memories slammed into my head and overpowered me. I am not sure why I even continue to watch that show? Richie and I loved it together and the topics always hit too close to home but still, I am drawn to it each week. I have to watch it.

Needless to say it started my "crazy woman on the hill" routine. That is what I call myself when I get like this. I walk around the house crying, talking, yelling to both God and Richie and I am convinced that when a neighbor walks by on the street they look up and are reminded of that movie "nell" where the lady is all crazy acting and ranting around her house.

I got out my computer and pulled up Itunes (never a good sign) and played all the songs he loved. Widespread, Creed, our wedding song Crazy Love, Sundown, and the Josh Grobin song, "You Raise me Up." These songs tear me apart but they also bring me feelings that I want to feel no matter how hard they are. I WANT to feel the pain because that makes me feel close to Richie.

I pulled up pictures...there is one we took on the lift in North Carolina last January. I was holding the camera out and took it of us. I kept touching the computer screen because I knew if I tried hard enough I could pull him out of it and touch his face. I always touched his face, drove him nuts, but I always rubbed his beard. I remember when he started to go gray...he and Levi both, they started growing gray together. I just knew that if I stared at that screen long enough he was going to talk to me. But he didn't.

Finally I went to bed and today I woke up to the 10th Month mark. One of my really good widow friends called me to check in and see how I was doing. I was fine and then I heard Stacy Whitfield was having her baby...another child that he won't know. I watch Sloan, Austin, Esco and the twins growing up and I swear that for the rest of my life they will hear about their uncle Richie. Rad promises me that Austin will know Richie as he did and he will know he was his father's best friend. I depend on this from all of them. I don't know what I would do without all of them promising me that Richie will forever be in our lives and the kids will all know him.

Monday night is the last night he and I watched a movie from Direct tv...how do I know that? Its time stamped on our tv and I never erased it. We watched "Cinderella Man." He loved that movie.

All of these memories are rushing in and our final days as husband and wife seem like they were just yesterday. His laughter at me falling in Jackson Hole, us sitting by the backyard fire and calling the Whitfield's to come over to our barn burning, Richie telling me he loved me that final day.

Today is 10 months that I have lived without my husband...
I'm so lonely without him.