Rehersal Dinner Night...3 years gone by

I can't lie, this day and tomorrow have been on my mind the last few days and it hurts to be going through them without Richie.

Mom and I talked last night and we talked about how yes, I am happy with John but that and Richie's death/my grief all have nothing to do with each other. I guess it goes back to what I have written about before...me meeting someone is not going to all of a sudden make me "better." And I guess what sometimes I want to ask people is, "What is better?" Yes, I can function now. I am eating again, I go to work, I am dating, I smile more, I'm falling in love again...but I guess for me sometimes I am still "functioning." There are still days that I get depressed...yeah, its "better" but again, when you go past "better?"

I told mom that there just isn't a sparkle in me anymore. I see it and I know my family does. Holidays, birthdays, special occasions, they just aren't what they used to be anymore. I don't get overly excited and I am not sad when I miss something. I am just not happy deep down inside and like I told mom, I am not sure if I will ever get that back? Does a widow ever feel that happiness again or do widows now just know reality and that nothing is worth getting all "giddy" about anymore? I am not saying that's bad but I guess the best word to describe me and my "gut" feelings is that I am just now more "practical."

God, I miss my husband. I miss my wedding day and the feeling of happiness I had. That day I was a bride and I was marrying the only guy in the world for me.