3 Years Later

Three years ago today I was I was working on last minute details for my upcoming wedding. I had been waiting for this day all my life and especially over the last 6 years. I was finally going to marry Richie.

If someone asked me what was my favorite part of my wedding I know easily what I would say. It would be the minutes that I walked towards Richie in the covered bridge. See, those were "our" moments. There is a covered bridge on the grounds at Shiloh. My dad helped the men of the church recreate it years ago. It even has the wooden nails in it...anyway, as we were trying to work out the details of where Richie and I would see each other before the ceremony I knew in an instant where I wanted that to be. I wanted it outside (that was for Richie's love of the outdoors) and somewhere that no one could really see us in this private moment. That moment was just ours.

When I walked up to him I was smiling and the first thing he said to me was, "You look really pretty." He was so nervous. He was sweating...probably a bit from the liquor he drank on the golf course...but he was shaking a bit too. I hugged him and he kissed me just a tad (not wanting to mess up my lipstick) but we hugged. I remember thinking that this was it, I was going to be with Richie the rest of my life. That was a wonderful moment and now a very special memory to me. I am so blessed to have that burned in my mind because I never want to forget it. In that moment he was flesh and blood. He was real. He was in my arms and our future was endless.

I have felt so weird the last couple of days...one minute I am ok then the next I feel all weird. I think its because in one respect, my life is going so well. I have met someone and I am giving my heart to him. I smile every time he crosses my mind and I look forward anxiously to the minutes I get to see him next. I am falling in love again and it feels really good.

But in the next sentence I think of my past and the life I had with Richie. Where did all our plans go? Where is that future with kids and a house on some land with a small pond? I grieve my past life. I grieve that loss of someone I spent every night with, a person who I knew every inch of. I can close my eyes still and envision his hands, his smile, the way his stomach felt when I would put my hand on it when I laid on his shoulder watching tv. See, that is my grief, that is my confusion. When will this all even out then today's life start to beome more prominent? Right now it still feels a little more weighted towards my old life if if that makes sense?

I am in love with someone new and I am still loving the one in my past. It is so confusing for me and I don't want to dishonor either one of them. I am in love with a reality and I am still loving and grieving a ghost. How much more crazier can this get?

Happy wedding anniversary Richie...I will spend the day honoring you and our vows. I love you still even though death took you away from me. You will forever be in my heart and I will always remember our wedding day for what it was...the happiest day in my life.