Footprints

Footprints

2/19/08

I'm not the same little girl

The night you got the phone call, the one where I was calling you screaming and telling you that something was very wrong...that was the night I was no longer that little girl. I was no longer the little girl you knew me to be. Even though I had gotten married and had begun another chapter in my life, I know you have always thought of me as your little girl. But that night and that phone call changed everything. I don't know if in your mind you have tried to ignore that night or in some ways have tried to forget the past 2 years, but for me, I can never go back to being that daughter of your's. It hurt me too, but I had to let go of my past and who I was before then.

That night, I became older than you in many ways. I have had to face things that you will never comprehend. I am not talking about the financial changes or the emotional decisions I had to begin to face and make on my own. I am talking more about the gut wrenching nightmares, the many nights that I just couldn't find sleep, so I would find myself sitting outside staring up at the night sky wishing that I would die. I hated what was happening to our family, the pain that I saw in your faces whenever you were around me. I faced the emotional stress of what I saw that night, what I touched, what I had to see in that ER room. What I tried to say goodbye to, but instead I found myself yelling and screaming as he laid on that table. The goodbye came only months later in a quiet moment in my backyard. I had to become an adult in a very fast way and as much as you think you do, you will never understand what I've been through fully.

So when you question me and my decisions I don't think you truly understand the woman you are questioning. Your questions are for someone else, someone that is naive and doesn't know what the "real" world is like...not someone who has buried a husband, a dream, a future and had to become someone other than herself in a short period of time.

I may not be making the decisions you would be making, but I am making MY decisions and to me, they are the best ones possible. They are true to who I am and they give me confidence. I don't go into something without thinking it through and I think if you stopped for a moment you would agree that in the past 2 years I've made some really good choices about my life. I've done nothing that I have regretted.

Your questions and your disappointment will not break me, they will thankfully, only make me stronger. The questions have become more of annoyances to me than anything...and as I have learned the hard way, I don't crack under pressure. In fact, I seem to prosper under pressure and in a bittersweet way I am so proud of this new trait within me. You see, I have inside of me the ability to survive. I know I inheirited this trait from you, because you have perservered yourself through some truly tough times. I think that maybe that is why you push me so hard to do what you think is best...because you think since you have survived by the choices you made, then those choices are what is best for me too.

But what you don't understand is that I am surviving and doing a damn good job of it. I have my morals, I have my health and I have the knowledge within me that I have done the best that I can do. My choices have been good ones and none of them have disappointed me. I have followed by gut and my heart and the mixture of the two have only lead me to the right thing.

I just ask that instead of questions, instead of the disappointing tone in your voice, you offer me encouragement, pride and instead of using your words to try to knock me down you use your words to build me up. I know you brag to your friends about me, but you see, that knowledge is only 2nd hand and sometimes, I need to hear it from you. Please, support ME, support the new person that I am and realize I will never be who I was before that night again and its ok. I will still be ok.

I love you.

2/14/08

February 14, 2008

I have been coming to my blog for the past few days wanting to post but not really sure what to write. My head is all jumbled up and I am all over the board with emotions these days.

Update: I have a contract on my house and barring any major issues it should close on March 7th. However, right now there is a slight issue..hail damage on the roof, but I can't go into that now without having a total breakdown. With the signing of the contract came a tidal wave of emotions. I was so happy that I finally got an offer and a decent one at that. It is one that will help put me into my next house and isn't that enough to ask for in this market? It will help me close this chapter down and begin a new one. It won't make me rich by any means and it doesn't necessarily change my financial situation as it is now, but I will be closer to friends and family and isn't that something to be gratefula about?

But then there is the sadness. I have begun to look through drawers and have begun boxing things up. That is where the tough part has come in. What to keep, what to give away, what to send to his parents. I have to give it to John, his voice of reason when it comes to Richie's family has been a blessing. He's right, despite my bitterness of feeling that I have been left in the dust to fend for myself this past two years, there are things that they are meant to have. I am not quite sure what I am ready to part with, even here at 2 years out, but I know there are things that I will send down to them. Things that Richie would want me to let them have again. My anger at them has returned because I feel as if I am paying so much to get out of this house and it is taking the safety of what I do have down to a level that I am uncomfortable with. I guess it just goes back to the fact that insurance money is to help those left behind...the spouse, the kids, not the parents you know? But I will deal with this anger and hope it goes away too...I can only pray for that.

So...with that I go to pack some more and ponder all these emotions. I guess the waves of grief still reach out, even 2 years later. I wish so hard for the day when Richie's death doesn't touch my life in such a forceful way. I wish for some peace.

2/2/08

Who do you call first?

Damn flu. I've been sick the last few days and today I just pretty much laid around all day watching tv and moving between my couch and the bed. I was sitting her thinking, wow, I did that a lot those first few months. I remember laying on the couch and feeling restless so I went to the bed.

I remember thinking back then how I would have to get used to being alone again and as my counselor was telling me...how to be ok alone. I haven't really had to spend much time alone since I met John. We always manage to see each other a lot during the week, but this week we had conflicting schedules and then I don't blame him for wanting to not be around me since I have the flu.

But I realized today how much I miss him when he's not here. I mean, I know I can say that to him or bug the crap out of him by texting it to him (which I think I have done a few times this week) but underneath all the joking, I mean it.

He has become this part of my life that I don't want to be without. The other day something happened (can't remember what now) but I picked up the phone and called to tell him. He has become that...the person you want to call first.

I'm not sure when my mind shifted into that...I have tried to be somewhat protective of beginning to depend on him. I have done that for a lot of reasons. The first being that I don't want to lose him and have to be hurt more than I can handle. The second is that I don't want to pressure him and suffocate him.

But he is now that person to me...that person that you reach for the phone to call first when something, anything important happens to you. It can be the smallest of things and it can be the biggest but no matter what, that person is who you go to call first.

Who do you think to call first? Who is that person that is so important to you that you call them first to tell them? We all need someone like that. Whether its a friend, a parent of a significant other.

Before John, before Richie, it was my dad. I would always call him first. You know, sometimes I called him before Richie...and I hate to admit it, but its because most of the time I knew that if I called Richie he would probably sound as if I am bothering him. He would sound as if he cared but most of the time I knew he was just exasperated that I called and interrupted him in whatever he was doing. So, I called Dad. Dads always listen and no matter what, you are never interrupting them and they always want to hear and know how you are doing.

I'm pretty lucky, I have a dad that always wants to hear from me. My sister's and I may joke around and complain that he bugs us, but honestly, if he were gone, our world would be way too quiet.

So...John has become that person but dad is still there...he's the second one I will call...but it sure is nice to realize that not only is it John, but I'm really glad it is. I am not as scared as I once was to fall in love again and to take that risk. I am finally finding that my life isn't so bad and although I've had a hard couple of years, my life is certainly far from over.

God, thank you for all you have given me, for the protection these last few years...it is hard to believe it is almost 2 years since he died but I am so grateful that you helped me fight and find this place in my life. I feel very lucky.