Sadness, Anger, Lonliness, all the emotions are back

They have found another tumor in Ray, this time on his spine. Its the same type of cancer in his lungs. The news just adds to the devestating news. I keep writing that word when someone emails me and asks me how I'm doing...I keep telling them "devestated." It sounds like such a dramatic word but its the only one that seems to fit.

When Richie died I felt so alone and I feel that all over again. I know that I have so many friends and family around to help me and to let me talk to them but its such a lonely place to deal with all this. I guess becuase when someone wants to know how Ray is, they call or email me...that goes for all our collegues at IHG and the 180+ hotels we work with around the U.S. It beats me down.

I'm upset, I feel very alone and its so hard becuase again, I always have been the "strong" one, the one who can handle anything. I mean hell, I buried a husband, why can't I deal with Ray going through this?

I don't want to go through this again. I don't want Julie to be a widow. I don't want those two boys to know what its like to lose their dad. I don't want Ray to die. I want him to go back to being my over managing, crowne plaza obsessive, always on the road boss. I don't want this.

I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, I'm just pissed off at the world.