He's had it two other times before...one of those times he lost sight in one of his eyes, but he kept fighting and went into remission. Two years later, it came back. Again he fought...it was in his lymph nodes (melanoma) and it too went into remission. Now its back and its in his lungs. The outlook isn't all that great but again, I know he will fight.
Its such an emotional struggle. On one side I have to be strong and be his "arms and legs" while he goes through treament. This means I have to hit the road and go to the west coast 3 times in the next 3 weeks. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I know I have to go.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and its only Wednesday. Its hard because he is so touchy about everything. He is on medication that alters his moods but also, he is feeling as if things are being taken away from him. He feels as if we are writing him off. We aren't...but our work for the hotels can't stop.
I feel pulled in both directions. I've been told to make the "smaller" decisions without him and to not tell him because they need not be on his radar right now. The other side is that I want him to know he is needed and I need him to fight to get better so that he has something to "fight" for.
Its so damn hard and I am sick of all of this happening. Why? Why does this have to happen to someone else that I care about? Why? I can't help but be angry and upset and pissed off like I was after Richie died. It is not fair.
God, I pray that you please help me find the peace to work on both sides of this. Help me continue to find the strength do handle Ray's job and to make him proud. But God, please help me figure out how to make him realize that I respect him and that I "need" him to fight to come back and help me.
I'm so angry, I'm so pissed off, I cannot imagine both of them being gone...why? Why Richie and now why Ray, the best boss I've ever had? WHY?
Footprints
