Footprints

Footprints

1/28/08

Confused about where I belong?

I've written about this a few times before but this weekend I tried to explain it to John. I'm not sure I did such a good job because its so hard to put into words how I feel about my life these days.

One day I am out partying with my single girlfriends the next I am at a table with all my friends who either have kids or are in the process of trying. And where does that leave me? I mean, I am dating someone and I am happier than I've ever been but I am not in either world really. I like to go out but I also have now found a peace in staying home. I know how fun marriage can be if you are with the right person. I know that going out is not a priority because having a home and other goals in life are so much more important than a bar bill that the next day you regret as you fight a horrible hang over.

It just hard to balance it out. I mean, I don't want to stay home every night but I'm not out "looking" either for a husband. I never was even when I was dating. I was just dating...not trying to prove anything or push myself. I just happend to stumble onto John and found what I was looking for.

I am not up for partying all night when I go out...by 1pm I am tired and want to go home. But when I sometimes talk to my married friends I get that "look" or "tone of voice" that is kind of making me feeling ashamed that I go out? But I am not in their world anymore and I can't expect John to spend every single night with me. That's not fair. He's on his own life schedule and has things that he needs to be doing at his age since he is not yet married and is still single. And what am I to do...stay home every night that he's out?

I guess I just feel confused. I am not sure where to fit in or where to go from here. I get anxious and then I calm down...then I get anxious again and have to calm down again. Its a cycle and its hard to keep it contained at times.

I guess I just am ready for something really good to happen to me. I know I posted that a while ago too. I mean, I am thankful every day for what God has given me and all the wonderful people and things I have in my life...I am just tired of being me. It wears me out.

1/16/08

Comfort of the road...

I often complain about traveling but this week when I took off for Salt Lake I was actually looking forward to being with my close friends in SLC and the hotels that have become so important to me over the years. This trip always seems to calm me...maybe its because of being so close to the mountains and nature, maybe its because I get to go skiing and for me, that is just the nicest sport I do. It is so nice to be out there in the quiet skiing and being outdoors. I love it. It was the thing I did that month after Richie died. I went with some friends to Snowbird and I skiied and for a few hours forgot about the pain and just let myself be alone with all the grief.

The past few weeks have been stressful. Trying to take care of the house and all the things that need to be fixed or "updated" to sell it have just gotten to me. I wasn't expecting to have to drop $4000 on these items. Thank goodness my bonus comes in March so I can just use that money but I was planning to put most of that away. I keep thinking that there are so many things I need to save for in the future- a wedding, because I can't expect mom and dad to pay again? Things for my new home- I'm sure things are going to come up with that if/when I move, and a car, because 130K is what is reading on my dash these days. Don't know if my car is going to continue to make it. I know it is always something for everyone and I know I am lucky to have a nest egg, but it just really sometimes scares me that one day all that money will disappear and I will wonder what I did with it all.

I hate thinking of the insurance money as a way to take care of these things. I guess I just always have felt that one day I would "know" what that should be used for. It doesn't seem right to use it for wedding or a new house? I don't know, its just confusing...as everything seems to be when dealing with the things related to Richie's death. So many choices and so many worries that I am not making the right ones?

So...for now I am glad to be here in SLC. John is here with me, he got in late last night, and I am sure right about now he's heading down a mountain with big grin on his face. I'm so lucky he is here with me. Every day I still look at him in wonder, how did we find each other? I know that God has a plan and I know that John is my future, I guess it is just hard sometimes to realize that this time, God made it easy for me...he gave me someone who really does love me and it doesn't have to be so much work. I just want to try hard not to push me or him...and that is kind of hard to balance. I try so hard to "rush" my future. I guess because when I am with John, there really is no other place I want to be.

Richie, I really do hope you are proud of me and the decisions I am making. I try to stay calm and think them through like I know you would want. I don't want to disappoint you and I want you to one day be able to tell me how proud you were of how I managed during all this time.

1/7/08

Anger Wave Again? Why Now?

I've been angry a lot over the past few weeks. I've done some things out of character that I am not very proud of. I wasn't really sure why but then last night it hit me...I am just angry I have to start all over.

I know I have met someone and I am beginning to plan a future with him, but it is so frustrating. I try not to put too much pressure on him but I find that sometimes I need answers- even before he is ready to give them. I don't want to push- that is an old habit I had and I do not wish to gain it back- but my "fear" from Richie's death seems to make me question so much.

I worry about what my future is going to be like, when will I get married again, when will I have kids, when- damn it- will I get a chance to "catch up" with everyone?!?! I am so pissed about it. Why the hell did I have to be the one to start over? Richie is the one who caused so much trouble in my life. He caused me to worry, to not sleep, to be scared for him and what he was doing. Why do I still have to be angry, worried and scared?!?!

It is SO not fair. I hate being mad again and I know that I am lucky to have the life I have and to have John in my life...I am just ready for the "rest of my life" to begin. I guess its true...when you are ready to move on past the grief it can't come soon enough.

Ugh.