Have you ever felt as if the demons of your past could take you over? As I sit here in another hotel in another hotel room I realize that my demons can still reach me. Richie and I had so many problems and as much as I try to bury them deep within me they always seem to come out. In the weirdest ways, strangest times, they come out and they scare me into believing that I am not worth a new life. That his death is a punishment for everything I couldn't fix or make better within us?
I carry this with me...and it is such a heavy burden. I want to love without doubt, without fear but my scars are so deep that when I think it is all better and that I am "finally" better I realize I am just alone in a hotel room staring at myself in the mirror...wondering where my life is going next. Will I one day wake up alone again? Will John love me forever or will one day he look at me and realize I am not worth all this?
That is what deep scars I have...when Richie died...a part of me died with him. I will never get it back. I will never be a whole person again. I will always wonder, would if "he" dies again and leaves me? What will stop life from taking him from me again. Some people fear this all their lives but very few of us know what this fear feels like as you try to save someone's life. When I did CPR on Richie I knew he was dead. I knew deep inside me he was not waking up. My heart knew that he was gone. And with the last breath I blew into him I knew a part of me was gone and would never be found again. I was innocent when I walked in the door last night but when I left that house going to the hospital I became and adult in a way I never thought was possible. I became an adult in a way my mom and dad will never understand.
Its just me...I'm alone in this...even a year and a half later. I am the one fighting the demons that still haunt me. As I sit here in this hotel room I feel the emptiness, the heaviness of widowhood. The realization that I know I will never be the same. I know that everyone around me thinks that I am now "ok" I am "fine" I am dating someone...so that means that I am "better" but I know better I know that yeah, I love someone again, I am so happy with him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but I know that the demons are with me...they always are. They aren't going away anytime soon and I can smile, laugh, and put on the "happy face" but I know that the demons will remain with me.
The holidays are approaching again...he is not here, he is in the ground in Albany. He is not here to share in the warmth of the holidays...he is buried in a lonely place that I can't hold his hand or tell him how much I miss him or how much I loved him. These are the demons...the images of my past. The images of my future that are so torn between John and what it would it have been with Richie...John brings me such happiness...he makes me smile. He looks at me and I know that he loves me...see, I know I am the love of his life. And God, that makes me feel so amazing...
Demons...they can haunt us and hurt us but God, please help me put these in the past...
Footprints
10/22/07
10/19/07
Stronger
I'm stronger now...just a year ago going into the holidays I was not doing that well. I was so nervous about Halloween because its like the "door opening" holiday that leads into the big holidays. Thanksgiving then Christmas then New Years...the day that NO ONE wants to not have a date!
But this year I have found out I am stronger this go around and it feels good. I am standing up for myself...I will no longer be a doormat for certain people and I have realized that if I am going to get upset over something and cry it had better be something damn good. This week I cried and then I got angry...really angry. I was crying over something so trival, so petty, so ridiculously elementary compared to everything I went through when Richie died. How could I let something so small get me so upet? I don't want to be like that and I am stronger than that.
Life is short...and we have to live it to the fullest. We have to remember who our friends are and only surround ourselves with positive influences. We have to keep those close to us that only enhance our lives, not bring them down.
I guess I am realizing that I can take great knowledge from what I've been through and it is time now for me to stand on my own and be strong for myself. I want to be happy, I want to love and love as much as I can, and I want to only have people around me who I can count on each and every day and I know in return I am giving them all I can give back.
God, I ask that you please help me forgive those who have hurt me but to also be able to hold myself up and do what is best for me. I pray that you show me the roads to take to accomplish this and I thank you for every friend I have that has supported me and have let me lean on them in every weak moment. Richie, thank you for being a part of my life and for teaching me things each day we were together. I am taking these things forward and will learn from all our greatest accomplishments together and also all of our mistakes.
But this year I have found out I am stronger this go around and it feels good. I am standing up for myself...I will no longer be a doormat for certain people and I have realized that if I am going to get upset over something and cry it had better be something damn good. This week I cried and then I got angry...really angry. I was crying over something so trival, so petty, so ridiculously elementary compared to everything I went through when Richie died. How could I let something so small get me so upet? I don't want to be like that and I am stronger than that.
Life is short...and we have to live it to the fullest. We have to remember who our friends are and only surround ourselves with positive influences. We have to keep those close to us that only enhance our lives, not bring them down.
I guess I am realizing that I can take great knowledge from what I've been through and it is time now for me to stand on my own and be strong for myself. I want to be happy, I want to love and love as much as I can, and I want to only have people around me who I can count on each and every day and I know in return I am giving them all I can give back.
God, I ask that you please help me forgive those who have hurt me but to also be able to hold myself up and do what is best for me. I pray that you show me the roads to take to accomplish this and I thank you for every friend I have that has supported me and have let me lean on them in every weak moment. Richie, thank you for being a part of my life and for teaching me things each day we were together. I am taking these things forward and will learn from all our greatest accomplishments together and also all of our mistakes.
10/8/07
Scarred forever?
Last night John and I had a great evening together. He surprised me at my tennis match and then we met later at my house to make dinner and watch tv. I love our Sunday nights together. We have made it our tradition to make sure we make dinner together and spend quality time alone. These nights are so special to me.
He wasn't feel really well though last night. He hurt himself working out..that in itself causes me to get worried but I try not to show it. But deep down I get panicky. I have now given myself to someone else. I have opened my heart up to the possibility of a future with this man, but would if something happens to him?
The part that got me really scared was that he was tired and wanted to go to bed early. Now I know, for a normal person, that is not abnormal but for me it is a red flag, a warning I should pay close attention to because I didn't with Richie. Richie was tired night after night for about two weeks before he died. He would go to bed early and sleep for 12 hours on a normal worknight. But I didn't think anything of it. I thought he was just stressed.
So last night I laid there, literally watching John sleep. I would put my hand on his chest to make sure I could hear his heart and feel his breathing. I felt like a freak but I couldn't stop. At one point I even cried a little...because I felt so crazy. Am I out of my mind? I am sure if he woke up and saw what I was doing he would wonder what the heck was wrong with me?!?! I know I would if I woke up and he was laying there watching my every breath.
Am I scarred forever, am I going to be like this for years and years? Will I do this to my children? Will I always wonder that they are going to fall asleep and not wake up. My friends say that they get this way with their new babies...that makes me so nervous because if "normal" people are like that then what will I be like? The extreme?
I can't lose John. I worry about it every single day. I look online and I see a car crash on the news and I make sure i pull up pictures so I can see what kind of car it is and make sure it is not his. I watch for his calls/texts throughout the day because if a long time goes by (a few hours at the most) I seriously begin to worry. I wish that I could say I am exaggerating but I'm not and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I hate to show that I have this crazy worry side to me that sometimes takes control of me and I have to find him or talk to him to make it calm down.
God, please help me have peace in my heart and know that you are going to take care of me and you will make sure that everything is ok. God, even as I type this prayer to you I know that if it is in your will to take John or someone close to me, I can't do anything about it and that terrifies me. I can't go through another funeral...not for a while.
He wasn't feel really well though last night. He hurt himself working out..that in itself causes me to get worried but I try not to show it. But deep down I get panicky. I have now given myself to someone else. I have opened my heart up to the possibility of a future with this man, but would if something happens to him?
The part that got me really scared was that he was tired and wanted to go to bed early. Now I know, for a normal person, that is not abnormal but for me it is a red flag, a warning I should pay close attention to because I didn't with Richie. Richie was tired night after night for about two weeks before he died. He would go to bed early and sleep for 12 hours on a normal worknight. But I didn't think anything of it. I thought he was just stressed.
So last night I laid there, literally watching John sleep. I would put my hand on his chest to make sure I could hear his heart and feel his breathing. I felt like a freak but I couldn't stop. At one point I even cried a little...because I felt so crazy. Am I out of my mind? I am sure if he woke up and saw what I was doing he would wonder what the heck was wrong with me?!?! I know I would if I woke up and he was laying there watching my every breath.
Am I scarred forever, am I going to be like this for years and years? Will I do this to my children? Will I always wonder that they are going to fall asleep and not wake up. My friends say that they get this way with their new babies...that makes me so nervous because if "normal" people are like that then what will I be like? The extreme?
I can't lose John. I worry about it every single day. I look online and I see a car crash on the news and I make sure i pull up pictures so I can see what kind of car it is and make sure it is not his. I watch for his calls/texts throughout the day because if a long time goes by (a few hours at the most) I seriously begin to worry. I wish that I could say I am exaggerating but I'm not and I haven't really shared this with anyone. I hate to show that I have this crazy worry side to me that sometimes takes control of me and I have to find him or talk to him to make it calm down.
God, please help me have peace in my heart and know that you are going to take care of me and you will make sure that everything is ok. God, even as I type this prayer to you I know that if it is in your will to take John or someone close to me, I can't do anything about it and that terrifies me. I can't go through another funeral...not for a while.
10/3/07
Love
That word has so many meanings. It means something different to everyone and it also can mean something different depending on what you are referring to.
This past weekend John and I took our first trip together. Even though we've only been seeing each other for two months I feel as if I have met my best friend after years apart. It is like I have always known him? From the moment we got in the car to drive to Gulf Shores until the moment we pulled into my garage we never stopped talking. We talked about everything.
He knew some of the details of the night Richie died but he had never heard them from me...so this was accidentally the opportunity that came up for me to talk to him. I just let it all out. I told him how it felt to find him, what I had been doing, the fact that my friendship with Stacy isn't the same and I blame that night, how I spent many many nights crying and drinking at Rad and Helen's and lastly how this all hurt my family and friends watching me try to not drown in all the grief.
I told him how I used to be such a control freak and how now things just aren't that important to me to control. He listened...and listened and listened. He did share things in his life but mainly he let me talk. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him these things. I felt almost desperate as I began to talk becuase there was so much I wanted to share with him. I guess a part of me just felt that he has to know it all or else how can he really love me?
But he does...John loves me. He takes me for who I am and he takes my past and respects it. I am amazed by his feelings for me. I am amazed that someone out there can love me this much or take all my faults and still love me.
When he looks at me I feel how much he cares about me. There are days when he really finishes my sentences or I will be thinking something and he will say it out loud. I have never felt a connection with someone like I do with him.
I love him...without a doubt, without a single question and I hope that he will be my future. I know only time will tell but if my heart is any indication I will always love him.
This past weekend John and I took our first trip together. Even though we've only been seeing each other for two months I feel as if I have met my best friend after years apart. It is like I have always known him? From the moment we got in the car to drive to Gulf Shores until the moment we pulled into my garage we never stopped talking. We talked about everything.
He knew some of the details of the night Richie died but he had never heard them from me...so this was accidentally the opportunity that came up for me to talk to him. I just let it all out. I told him how it felt to find him, what I had been doing, the fact that my friendship with Stacy isn't the same and I blame that night, how I spent many many nights crying and drinking at Rad and Helen's and lastly how this all hurt my family and friends watching me try to not drown in all the grief.
I told him how I used to be such a control freak and how now things just aren't that important to me to control. He listened...and listened and listened. He did share things in his life but mainly he let me talk. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him these things. I felt almost desperate as I began to talk becuase there was so much I wanted to share with him. I guess a part of me just felt that he has to know it all or else how can he really love me?
But he does...John loves me. He takes me for who I am and he takes my past and respects it. I am amazed by his feelings for me. I am amazed that someone out there can love me this much or take all my faults and still love me.
When he looks at me I feel how much he cares about me. There are days when he really finishes my sentences or I will be thinking something and he will say it out loud. I have never felt a connection with someone like I do with him.
I love him...without a doubt, without a single question and I hope that he will be my future. I know only time will tell but if my heart is any indication I will always love him.
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