Footprints

Footprints

4/30/07

Unexpected Visions of Him

When you least expect it Richie will flash through my mind. His smile, his laugh, his face. But I don't cry when I think of him, I just let my mind wander over the memory. I cherish the moments like this now because it means I have not forgotten what he looked like or smelled like or what it felt like when he was near me.

Memories can be tricky. They can make you cry, make you laugh or make you angry, but it seems like I can't quite put an emotion on what Richie's memories mean to me.

Last night I was outside playing with Levi and it was not quite light but not quite dark. I felt the memories wash over me. I could tell you exactly what he would be doing or saying if he was standing back there with me. I know he would have had on an old pair of shorts, a dirty tshirt with holes in it and he would have been barefoot. He was always barefoot around the house. He'd have had a dip cup in one hand and a dirty old tennis ball in the other teasing Levi.

Memories of Richie are so important. They keep me going, they heal me when I am down, they give me a sense of peace because it seems like every time he flashes through my mind, its his way of letting me know he is still here with me.

4/24/07

"Within me there is that which is greater than my circumstances"

This quote was sent out by one of my widow friends.

We may not realize just how strong we are inside until something happens that makes us pull strength from the deepest parts of our soul. We have to learn to trust God, completely and without question. As Charles Stanley said one time, "When you ask God for help, it's not a discussion...you ask, he helps."

We have to believe that we have the choice in life to control our actions and how we relate to events and people in it. Life is too short to waste on anger and situations that are not helping us grow into better people.

In the last year I have learned that I am a strong person. I don't think though its the way everyone thinks...you know, me living through finding Richie and then having to bury my husband of only 19 months. See, those things to me, yes were hard as hell, but to me, the strongest thing I did was live after that 6 month mark...Because that is when the real work started. That is when everyone started to go back to their own lives and I had to make a decision- I could either sit and die right along side Richie or I could make his death a defining point in my life. I could use it and learn from it, become someone better because of having had him and our experiences in my life.

I decided to get help- therapy, grief groups, reaching out to friends, reading books and just praying as much as I could. I never gave up and I never failed to "feel" my grief. Oh yeah, plenty of times I tried to ignore it and act as if I were completely fine to those around me. But I knew deep inside that ignoring it and trying to act "ok" was not helping. So, I did as my counselor said, I tried to always be in my grief. When it hits I stay with it. I let my mind process the thoughts, the emotions, the memories, all of it. And it hurts, it devestates at times, but when I start to come out of it I take a deep breath and begin to move forward once more.

See, to me, the inner strength I had was to survive Richie's death. To be a testament to others out there who lose someone they love. To show another widow that it's ok to live and that God wants us to walk THROUGH the valley of death.

Living after death is the hardest part and although I am still grieving, I am living and I am puttnig my life back together piece by piece.

4/22/07

My Footprints...

I've been thinking...isn't it true that it isn't the length of the story of your life but the contents of it, right? Where did you leave your footprints?

Did you leave them outside a friend's door when you went by to check on them when they were sick? Did you leave them near your car when you drove to the hospital to check on a sick friend or welcome a new baby into the world? Are they outside of the church where you go to pray and learn about God?

Where have you left all your footprints?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last year. How can I make a difference, how can I leave a "footprint" in someone's life? I'd like to think that Richie's death has taught me so much, even through the sadness.

I have tried to volunteer more, call friends more often, raise money for worthy causes...I've just tried to be a better person. Yeah, what pushed me this way was Richie's death but I'd like to think that now I am doing it because it's the right thing to do you know?

I want to make a difference in someone's life. I want to touch someone with my story or in some way that will help them and somehow change their life for the better.

I'm not sure what I am moving towards but I know that something in my life is changing...I know that God is leading me towards something I just haven't seen what it is yet.

But I do know this, my footprints are behind me and hopefully one day they will lead someone to a better place.

4/19/07

The Mountain is Smaller from Up Here...

That is how I feel today. Like I finally made it to the top of the mountain and I am looking down at the path I had to climb up.

A year and a day...amazing.

Last night was so incredible. We raised almost $1000 towards the scholarship and I got to hug all Richie's friends. I drank a beer, danced a little to Widespread and hung out like he would have wanted. It was perfect.

My parents were there, my sister and Trey (and of course Emie), Connie/Phil, Rad, Tracy, Todd, Bo, the softball team and then of course all my girlfriends. Those amazing girls that have never left my side since the moment they found out. They celebrated his life with me. They were all there with me...drinking a beer, smiling and telling Richie stories. It was just incredible. The friendships that Richie made will be kept forever. I don't know if I really realized that until yesterday. I mean, yeah, I knew I was lucky that I had been able to keep in touch with them all. I knew that I could always count on them if I needed something, but yesterday was different. It was about Richie. Truly about him and the life he had with all of them.

Those boys should be proud of who they are and what they have become. They are the kind of men that don't take family and friendship lightly. They love their families, their wives, their children and their "buddies." I am in awe that they all accept me now, even without Richie. But maybe that is the last gift Richie gave me...all of them and their friendships.

Richie, we all miss you so much but as you saw yesterday, we smile now and even though it's always going to be hard and I know I'll still have bad days...you will always be with me. Our love will always be in my heart and soul. It is going to carry me through the next phase in my life and your memory will always be a part of who I am now.

I will always love you Richie Day. Always.

4/18/07

Fred Richard Day, Jr (1972-2006)

Richie,

I have been sitting here for an hour wondering what to write to you today. How can I put into words how much I miss you? There are no words to hold all the emotions I feel today. I just miss you with all my heart and soul.

I have learned a lot since you died. I have learned how to be more thankful for what I have. I have learned that you can't control life, you just have to hang on, pray a lot and hope that you make the right decisions.

I have learned that you need to love those around you but its ok to walk away from those who hurt you or aren't good for you. That one took me a while to realize but I know I made some good decisions by walking away from the negative in my life.

I want to thank you for the life we had. I know we had our ups and downs. God only knows how we made it as far as we did, but for some reason God got us to that alter and then he made us face our issues in couseling together. Those many hours we spent with Cathy are what I hold on to a lot. Those moments where you were so open and raw about things taught me that even though it was hard, you loved me and you really wanted our marriage to work. We never gave up on each other, even in the most horrible of times. We gave it our all.

I know that God has a plan. He had a plan that night when he had me find you. I often wonder, who would have if I didn't? I always think it would have been Brad. You wouldn't have shown up for work and he would have probably driven over here looking for you after I probably got upset because I wouldn't have been able to find you. I'm not sure why I feel that way but I just know if I had been on a trip it would have been him? But God knew that I should find you and that I would take care of it all for you.

This year I have found myself in ways I never knew possible and I know you would be proud that I have stood by your memory, your friends and I have tried my best to do what is right for me and the life we had started together.

I promise to always stand by what we made together and to always remember you and how much I love you.

I love you Richie Day. I will miss you for eternity.

Love,
Stacie

4/15/07

362 Days Ago

I was sitting here checking email and Richie and I were watching tv. We had just gotten home from being in Carrollton for Easter. We had driven up to Home Depot to get some things to start working on our shoe mold around the dining room and hallways and saw that it was closed..so we were forced to go home and relax.

How has it been this long since I spoke to him? I played the message on our old answering machine a few times. I just stood there listening, remembering the night he recorded it. I had laughed at him because he was trying to be all serious as he said, "Hello, you've reached the Day's...we aren't in right now but leave a message and we'll call you back as soon as possible." His voice...wow, his voice...it rips me apart to hear it.

As I listened, I looked around and I realized that its been almost a year since I put all his pictures away. I haven't see his face in our living room smiling at me in our wedding photos in all that time. I still can't bear to look at the picture we had on the casket. It's in a drawer with the shirt he had on the night he died. I can't open that drawer any more which is different from a few months ago when I would pull the shirt out just to make what happened seem "real" to me. I would lay it on the bed and lay it out the way it should be and I would stare at it...and just try to "wish" him back into it if that makes sense? I would put my hand on it, close my eyes, and just pray to feel a breath or a heartbeat but it never happened, the shirt was just still flat on the bed.

On Wednesday I want to celebrate Richie's new birthday- the one that God gave him for Heaven- April 18th.

"During your times of suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

4/13/07

"In The Fairway with Fred Day"

The 8th Annual Coastal Cup began yesterday with the theme being set in Richie's memory.

The guys started the caravan around 6am yesterday down to Sand Destin. I know this year is hard on them. I got a few calls and text messages from a some of them yesterday to tell me that Richie's birthday was being celebrated down there and I was assured by Jarrett, "Stacie, he's down here too."

Helen and I were talking last night about how in the past, us wives and girlfriends have always complained about #1 the amount of money that is spent but also just the crazy behavior that seems to come out of this trip. Every single one of them has been the subject of some story that has come out of there in the last 8 years and God only knows Richie was a top participant. But this year, instead of being upset and worrying, we were saying its just good to know they are all together. This year, this group of 30 somethings realize how lucky they are to have each other and the amazing friendships they have. Richie's death taught them all how short life is and I am thankful they have this trip to remember that and to create more memories.

As they tee off today I know that some of them will have Richie heavily weighing on their hearts, but I also know he is up there with his piece of paper keep up with all the scores and making bets on who is taking the trophy home this year.

Thank you guys for the shirt and hat, Richie finally got his name on the shirt and I know he is up there grinning about that.

Good luck...he's riding right beside you in that golf cart.

4/11/07

Happy Birthday Richie

How is it that 35 years seems so short of a time period? Right now, 35 years seems so far away. I will be 67 years old in 35 years. That seems so far away.

Richie's life seems so short yet 35 years seems like it should be a lot longer sounding right? I mean, he learned how to drive a stick shift, a tractor, a 4 wheeler...he graduated from high school, got a golf scholarship, went on to get his college degree and then his Masters. He became a man, had so many best friends, met a girl, fell in love, bought a house then said "I Do." All of those things take years and years to accomplish so how come I feel like it wasn't long enough?

As April 12 goes by I am so sad. I know today exactly what he would be doing...he'd get up really early to make sure he doesn't miss his ride down to Coastal Cup with Rad. He'd be smiling the entire way down just knowing that not only was he with his best friends for the weekend but it was his birthday weekend.

He'd have made his "LOTTD- List of Things To Do" on the yellow post its and would have checked them off one by one as he packed. And he would have done all this while doing "reps" on his weight bench. I hate even saying that but that is how much he loved to work out...he would do reps, pack and check email all at one time. It would have even been more funny to watch how he did all that PLUS watch the American Idol results show.

1. Radio (Stacie, do we have extra batteries)
2. CD's (WSP, Creed, Boston, Government Mule, and of course, Monster Ballads)
3. Golf Clubs
4. Cooler (Stacie, which one should I take?)
5. Iron (he always packed it but never used it)
6. Extra cans of dip (Stacie, where is my dip cup, did you throw it out again?)
7. Remind Stacie to feed Levi (reminded me every time even though I always remembered)
8. Cold Beer (he would have written this just to get on my nerves)

My heart is breaking again today thinking of how much I miss Richie and tomorrow I'll blow out a candle and make his wish for him.

4/9/07

Homeless?

I have a place where I live, a home I built with Richie, but more and more I can't figure out where my "home" is. You see, home is where the heart is and if you're heart doesn't belong to anyone but you, then you don't belong anywhere either right?

Yesterday when I left our Easter lunch I drove around for two hours and covered most of West Cobb. I went down the East West Connector, came back up around Dallas Highway and found myself sitting in the parking lot of Kennesaw mountain. If the gate had not been locked I would have driven to the top in my search. I wanted to go HOME, but I had no idea where that was. I had an overwhelming desire to ride to Albany to just sit by Richie's grave because that seemed as close to "home" as I was going to get. I felt lost, homeless, not sure of where to go?

I don't really know where I belong these days, so I find that I feel more like a third wheel in whatever groups I am in at the time. I know, I have friends, I have family and I love them so much, but that doesn't change the fact that I am sidebar to their lives at times. They have their own problems, issues, children, and things to deal with. I am not their main concern and I shouldn't be.

See, I used to be Richie's somebody. He used to be the center of my world. I guess a couple makes for a small family unit, but we were one anyway. So without a place to hang my heart, there is no place that holds meaning for me. At the end of the day, when you go home, you probably think of yourself going to a place, not to a person. But if that person were gone, would it still feel like home? And if home were just a place, just another house with colored walls and cable TV and a couch, then you could never move, you could never rebuild.

I keep saying that I'll make a new life, a happy one, once the world stops spinning and the grief gets more bearable. But the world never really stops spinning does it? The world didn't stop turning just because Richie died...it kept on even though I stopped.

Everyone else still has their jobs and families to attend to, they head home at the end of the day. They talk to their significant others throughout the day...if just to tell them something funny that happened or to remind them to pick up milk on the way home from work. For me, I don't have this direction anymore...where is my home? Did it disappear with Richie?

For months now, whenever I start to cry, I'll find myself crying how I want to be home, but when I am there I still want to be "home." For me, I finally see that this is just another way of saying I want my husband, that I want to be with him, and asking God to make that happen in a more timely fashion.

I have no home now, and I am unsure how to go about making a new one. How do you create a "home" alone as a widow? There must be a way, right? There are millions of single people in the world, and I'm sure they all think their home is a "home." But why for me is it so hard?

What is it that I have to do to create a "home" again for myself?

4/8/07

In Memory Of...

When I was little I remembered that my youth group at Shiloh would sell the Lily's that were going to be on display at Easter. We would ask people to make them "In Honor of...and/or In Memory of..." How young and innocent we all were back then...one of us would end up putting one in memory of her little girl and one of us would make one in memory of her husband.

Today at Shiloh, although I wasn't there, there were 2 lily's on the alter for Richie. One from my parents and one from me, his wife. My name was also posted in the bulltein, not for some simple accomplishment like an upcoming marriage or for graduating from high school or college, but it was in there as a prayer request. Do you know how hard it is to know that you have so many people worried and praying for you right now? It is like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You want to make sure you are ok so that they believe their prayers were answered but it is so hard to be ok right now.

I met mom, dad and Laure/Trey and Emie for lunch. It was good to have somewhere to go today that made me get out of bed. But I cried on the way home thinking that last year this weekend held so many wonderful memories.

Good Friday- Richie played Peachtree with Brad and Jim...when he got home we grilled ribs and Todd Chapman came over. Then Stacy and Greg stopped by on their way home from their anniversary dinner with Lori and Derek. We had a huge fire in the backyard and Greg and Richie talked about ideas on how we could landscape our yard. But I have a memory of that night that goes beyond all our friends seeing Richie one last time.

After everyone left, Richie and I sat up there by the fire and talked a little. We didn't talk about much of anything that night...just talked and stared into the fire. When I got ready to go in Richie came in with me which was odd, he always used to stay up longer to finish his dip and to "hang with my dog." But this time we went in together...I took off my makeup and we talked about our plans to go to Carrollton the next day after my tennis match. Richie was so content...when I look back now he was just content and in 6 years I knew hime, I had never known him to be content to just be at home. But maybe that is what is important for me to remember, he was content at our home and with me.

Easter will always be a special day for me with my memories of Richie. But my life is a constant, "In Memory Of..." Whether its the scholarship, continuing on with his friendships, or just knowing that I am the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with so with that comes the responsibility of making my entire life, "In Memory Of Richie."

There are a lot of responsibilities when your life is a constant in memory of someone you love, but there is also that drive to never ever tarnish the memory of that person. All the crazy things are now laughed at and have become "urban legends" to tell the little ones about when they are old enough. The funny one liners are forever etched in our conversations...and the echo of his laughter will always be in our's as we laugh over one tall tale or another when we talk about Richie and what he meant to all of us.

This Easter, not only is that lily "In Memory Of" my husband, but my life will be a constant "In Memory Of" the love I had for Richie.

4/4/07

One Last Trip...

I head to Dallas tomorrow for a 1 night trip. Then I land and I am here for the month. For the first time since right after Richie died I do not want to go. I want to stay here, I want to be able to go up to the office and sit and think like I have done each night this week. Even if for a few minutes, I go up there to just sit, think and feel like I am near Richie.

But I have to go and there is nothing I can do about it. I know that as the plane is landing on Friday night I am going to be hit with the same saddness I always get when I come home. But this time I know its probably going to be a bit harder because I know what I am coming home to.

Every day I wake up with the same thought...Why Me? Why do I have to be the widow? I hate being in this situation. I hate it.

4/2/07

April 2007

Well, it's here. There isn't anything anyone can do about it. I have to go through this month. It is 10 more days until he would have been 35...then 15 more days until I have to wake up and realize that one year ago Richie died.

No matter how I have stayed occupied...traveling, dealing with financial issues, fixing all the broken things around the house, taking care of Levi, and just trying to spend time with all of Richie's friends...the month still came.

I can't avoid it...its here and its like that childhood song- "Going on a Bear Hunt." When you get to the lake- you can't go around it, you can't go under it, you have to go through it. That is how I feel. I am standing next to this raging river and I know that I have to cross it. And once I do, its official, I made it through 1 year without Richie, without my husband, without our dreams, and I made it through 1 year where I had to learn to let go of all my future plans. The ones that I had so carefully made with Richie. They are gone now and they aren't coming back.

What a life lesson to learn at 31 years old. It is so hard to believe I will be 33 in a few short months. I feel like I lost the entire 32nd year of my life.

God, please help me "cross" this month as best as I can. Please help me do the right things to honor Richie, his memory and the memory of our life together. I just ask that you please help me because I am again at a loss of what to ask you for to get through this, except for you to please help me.