Why Me?

Why is this my life?
Why did Richie die so young?
Why did I marry someone who was going to die so soon?
Why do I have to be strong?
Why did God give me this life?

Unexpected Blessing...

Last night I went to my local grief group which is held at a church near my home. I haven't been in a few weeks due to my work travel schedule but I've had a hard few days so I wanted to go. When I got there there was a sign on the door saying that we were meeting in the sanctuary for a "Message of Hope" service or something like that. So I decided, Ok, I'll go.

When I walked in I realized I have only been in a sanctuary 1 time since he died...back in June. The feelings and emotions were overwhelming. I started crying as soon as I sat down.The service started off rather harmlessly and then the minister got up and started speaking about "Remembering your Baptism and the one of your loved one that is gone." This rocked me to the core because last year on Easter Sunday, Richie and I were at my parents house and we went to church with them that day and this was the exact sermon that Joseph preached at Shiloh that day.

It was our first Easter in 6 years where we were not with his parents so it was unusual we were in Carrollton that weekend. The amazing thing about that service was that Richie, a rather private man, actually got up when the invitation was offered to renew his and he went to the alter. When he stood to go, I got up and went with him. I remember exactly what he looked like as he put his hand in the water and touched his head. I wasn't even paying attention to the reason why I was up there...just that he had taken this step and that for Richie, I knew it meant something because he never did anything like that. He was very private relgiously.

I have held tightly onto that memory of him for the last year. Mainly because I knew that before he died he had peace in his heart with his faith and his relationship with God. Because for Richie, he would not have gone to that alter unless something called for him to do so.

Needless to say, I cried throughout the service last night and all the way home. It touched my heart and I knew that somehow Richie was telling me that he was ok.

Then the preacher said something that in this entire year of grief I have never heard..."The bible verse talks about walking through the valley of death...God and our loved ones do not want us to walk into it and stop..." That we have to fight our way through it and have faith that God will help us through to the other side.

Last night Richie and God gave me an unexpected blessing.

Scars...

Today I went to try on bathing suits and I noticed the scars on my knees. I don't talk much about them...but when I found Richie and performed CPR on him the carpet burn on my knees was so bad that it scabbed over and later left scars. They're fading a little but they are still there on both legs. They are the last physical reminders of that night. I had the carpet cleaned, Rad and the guys took the weight machine out the week of the funeral, Marlie and I put a couch and coffee table in the office to change it around...so basically the room is completely different.

But the scars are on my knees. I guess they always will be? Scars are like badges of honor aren't they? They always seem to tell a story of some crazy adventure in someone's life. What do my scars mean? I am not sure yet. I want to say they are the truth of that night, that I tried desperately to save Richie. I never felt my legs bleeding...I never felt any pain until the next morning when I got up and it hurt to walk a little. I didn't think they would scar because Shayna and everyone put creams and stuff on them to keep them from scarring, but they still did.

I will always have these scars. They are now a part of me and just like the rest of me, I will heal and get better but there will be some scarring...I guess that is what I need to understand for myself...that I can't push myself to be my old self...I will never be here again. It is just so hard to let go who you used to be.

I miss you Richie.

Jackson Hole

We were there last year today. How could one year have gone by that we were there? It seems like yesterday that we were skiing together...sharing a beer up on the slope laughing and talking about how we were going to ski out west every year and that going back to North Carolina would be so hard after skiing mountains like this.

I'm so angry that you were not able to live your life...you should have been able to wake up with Levi, KC and I today. You should be looking forward to your birthday, Easter at Grandpa's, even a baby if I had gotten pregnant over the summer. I would be due soon...but instead I wake up alone.

Everyone says that one day I will love again...I know you would want that too but it's so hard to even imagine anyone in my life like that? How do you open your heart again? Trust that they won't die on you? I know that you would be so matter of fact if I could talk to you right now. You would tell me that yes you loved me, yes we had a good life but that is gone now and I have to look forward. You would never mince words with me. You would just be practical because that is how you were. But me, I can't think like that. My heart just doesn't warm up anymore to anyone. I feel blank a lot of times inside. The only people that I warm up to our the kids- Caroline, Sam, Latson, Emie, Austin, Sloan, Esco, the twins and the Schiffer kids. It's almost like they are the only little hearts I trust? They won't hurt me? Even when I read that I see that it sounds ridiculous but somehow there is truth in it. I can trust them because they won't hurt me.

I pull back when people hug me, I don't always look people in the eye anymore. Now as the month of April approaches I know that I am going back into my shell

I want to have hope again but for now it's too hard to let myself trust that there is such a thing for my future.

Walking The City and Thinking...

There is something about New York City. You feel like you are invisible...no one can see you or well, if they do they usually are too busy focusing on where they are going to notice you.

That is how I feel when I am in this city, that I am just another person in a crowd of people just trying to live my life. But today when I was walking I kept wondering where in this city did Richie walk? I remember him calling me from Times Square and the excitement in his voice. I remember him telling me he found a bar called "Whiskey" and that it was underneath the "W" hotel and he loved it. We went there last night. I wondered, where did he sit to watch for "someone famous" as I told him too. Which bouncer did he see and think it was someone's body guard? When I saw the Olive Garden I remembered how he said it was the "BEST" Olive Garden he had ever been too but that beers were $8!! That was Richie, he went to a city with some amazing places to eat and he went to where he was comfortable. That was him- he loved his routines. He went to where he could make a friend and every time he came back he would know someone. He did that all over Atlanta too- Los Bravos, Wing Ranch, The Pool Hall, Two Guys Package, and in Marietta the Shell station where he got his dip. He always made friends...even on our honeymooon he made a friend with the man who owned the desert 4 wheeling company because he helped them fix one of the broken 4 wheelers...he was, as he told them, "and educated red neck."

I wish we had come here together. We both fell in love with this city. Richie used to say he would, "never ever go to NYC." But when he did he fell in love with it like I did which is what they all say...that you either love it or hate it and Richie did love it too.

Walking today in the rain I thought of him. I thought about how I am so glad he got to see the things he did before he died. Richie lived a lot in the final months of his life.

This week last year we were together in Jackson Hole. My heart misses him so much and I am scared of the next few weeks. Again, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in May.

Richie, I miss you...I am thinking of you so much. It seems like every single moment you are in my mind and on my heart right now. I love you.

11 Months...

Well, I'm in the 11th month. It's here...and I can't avoid the hardest days of my life coming up even though I wish I could get on a plane and come back May 1st.

This is just so hard...I'm only 32, it isn't fair that I lost Richie after only 19 months of marriage. It's not fair that I have to be strong and have a house, a dog, a cat, bills, taxes, and all kinds of responsibilities alone. Richie and I were creating a life together...he was supposed to be here with me to help do all this! It's too much sometimes and it's overwhelming.

It has been a year filled with people watching me with worried looks, my family and I not getting along because no one knows what to say or do half the time and I don't seem to know how to communicate anything I am feeling to them. It has been the hardest year of my life and I am just tired of it all. I want to feel better ALL the time, not just half the time. I am doing all the right things- I go to counseling, I have a grief group at a local church where we pray and talk with each other, and I talk every day with my online widow support group. I mean, I am doing everything they say to do.

I know that it all takes time but I am tired of being like this and I feel myself going backwards again now that I am approaching the month of April. I will always hate that month now for the rest of my life. It's just like the day of the week- Tuesday- the worst day of the week for me. That's the night I never can sleep, that's the night that when I pull in the garage I hate getting out of the car, that is the night that these last few weeks when its been warm, I have gotten out and walked in the front door because I want my "routine" to be different from that night. My counselor says this is normal- just like I haven't driven home up 400 since the day he died. I take an entirely different route home and I have since that day.

I went to Kennestone a few weeks ago to see Sarah Beth. I even went inside. When I did I looked down the hall and saw the bathroom that Stacy Whitfield took me in to clean my face and my knees off. I remember asking her what I was going to do now and she just shook her head. No one knew what I was going to do....and even today, I'm not sure what I am going to do.

God, please help me these next few weeks. I have to face so much- his 35th birthday, Easter, the one year and then the night we award the scholarship. That night is proof he is never coming home to me again.

Richie, the memories of our last month together are so precious to me and even though remembering is hard, I am so thankful I have those memories to keep me close to you.

St. Patrick's Day- Richie's Favorite Holiday

Yep, tomorrow is Richie Day's favorite holiday. All day long I have had memories of all the ones we spent together. I can't tell you how many green beers that boy and I drank over the years on this holiday!

I remember the year he and I and Mark Thompson went to Fado's in Buckhead for their block party. They were only serving Irish beer...now all of you that know Richie, KNOW that that boy ONLY drank two beers...Natty Light and/or Bud light. Don't give him a Guiness or a Harp, he doesn't know what to do with it. That day that is all he had to drink. Every time he would take a sip he would look at me, grin that grin and say, "Stacie, this tastes like She-i-te (his way of saying the cuss word so it was enunciated in that Richie Day way)." Mark and I thought it was hilarous and of course he would keep saying, "Today is right for drinking."

He always told us that it all had to do with his "Irish" roots and it was a day he HAD to celebrate because of that fact.

Last year he was down at the hunting club with his family and I was up here out with the girls. It's weird that that particular year he was down there and not here. I guess God knew that he didn't have a lot of time left so he needed to be down with them and not up here partying with all of us.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet as I taste my first green beer. I can't remember many St. Patrick's days without him. I can't really remember what I did on this holiday when he wasn't around to go out with me. I will miss him so much tomorrow as this day approaches. I know I'll think of him and Grandpa because those are where his Irish roots came from.

Guys, I hope you two are up there popping open a colsh and smiling down at the world celebrating.

Love you Richie.

The Blessings of Friendships

I have amazing friends...Richie had amazing friends, I have an amazing family, Richie has an amazing family. I have gotten so many calls and emails these past few days of people- friends and our family just letting me know they are thinking about me and knowing the next few weeks are going to be hard.

Today I spoke with Russ down in Albany and he told me that he and Angie continue to pray for me. He is making a cd for their Coastal Cup trip. This year all the guys have figured out a way to make this about Richie. They are wearing hats this year instead of shirts as Richie would love, they are wearing black ribbons that they are going to sell and send all proceeds to Darton for the scholarship, and the cd...oh the cd, Russ and I talked about music today and I was able to share some of my favorite stories about Richie and his music. The story about he and Rad fighting over who was better- GNR or Warrant...then Rad wrecking his car because of them arguring. The U2 song that Warren Haynes sings that Richie thought was the most awesome song in the world...then the WSP song- City of Dreams. Everytime I hear it, I can just see him sitting in his new truck, adjusting the volume, and leaning back with his sunglasses on singing it word for word.

Richie loved music...and I am sure he's up there sharing all his favorite songs with anyone who will listen. He's found a black F150 with a custom radio and he's playing them all as loud as God will let him.

Richie, turn it up...

Traveling or Hiding?

I seem obsessed about traveling these days. I gladly accept trips if my bosss presents them to me. I crave to distance myself from HERE. Where is here, I have no idea. I just know I am restless and I seem to wake up wanting to be somewhere else.

I guess I am beginning to face the reality of the next 5 weeks and what lies ahead in them.

Last night I talked to one of his childhood friends- Steven. A couple of years Steven found himself in trouble and he has been in jail for the last two years. The Thanksgiving before Richie died I did some research and found his address in jail and I began writing him letters from Richie and I. I would send him pictures and articles...Richie would add a little something or tell me to mention something funny to him. Richie even wrote him once by himself- huge because Richie wasn't the best of communicators, but he did it for Steven.

After Richie died Steven asked in a letter if he could add my number to his call list and begin calling once a month. The phone calls are hard at times. Last night was particularly hard because he said he's been trying to figure out what day to call me in April...the 12th (Richie's 35th birthday) or April 18th. He said he finally decided on the 12th because he wants to celebrate what that day is for his buddy- a special day, one for smiles and memories. The 18th he's just going to write me and pray for me. He feels guilt that he didn't spend time with Richie like he wanted to or should have in the last years. It seems his only peace comes from being at our wedding a month before he went in and also he cherishs that letter Richie wrote. He's read it to me shortly after after he started calling. He cried as he read it...he misses his best friend.

They all do...Rad, Todd, all of those boys miss their best buddy. You see the hole in their life and I know that I am a constant reminder of what they lost too. They have all handled this in so many different ways...one runs and travels like I have done and tries to act as if he's ok, one keeps it all inside but the pain is so evident every time a story is told or a memory is relived, one has taken the hard road of drugs and alcohol to deal with it. I get late night text messages referring to Widespread Panic songs and how much they miss him. One choses to not speak of him at all...stay focused seems to be his motto, but I see the tears as he acts strong.

All of these men...but boys in so many ways surround me and take care of me and have never let me down from the moment they found out their best friend was gone.

I was trying to figure out the best way to celebrate his life and what to do with myself on the 18th. We came up with a plan...we are going to Richie's favorite place- The Wing Ranch- and we are going to order pitchers of beer, the hottest wings you can find and we are going to sit and talk, remember, cry, and toast our best friend.

Richie, we all miss you so much...the pain is not as harsh but there is this hole that will never be filled. When we are all together, we feel you missing.

How has it been almost 11 months?

I can't believe it's March. Today when I was paying bills and I had to write the date on a check I was amazed that it is March. How did this much time go by? I went back and read some of my older posts like my counselor told me to do every now and then.

I think back to those first weeks after he died and how helpless I felt. I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to go. I prayed a lot. I would go outside in the yard and sit up on the hill looking down and I would just tell God I was lost. It was almost as if I were outside I was closer to God? But then again I wanted to come out of my skin so anywhere was always better than where I was at the moment.

Now I am more comfortable in my own skin. I am gaining my confidence back and I am beginning to stand up for myself and my life now. I am doing things on my own and making decisions that I am total responsible for. I know it has been hard for my parents and sisters during all this. I know that it has to be hard to know that there is nothing you can do to help me. I look back at the times I yelled at my mom about the thank you cards and I feel horrible. But I wasn't myself back then. I didn't want to thank anyone for plants because if felt it was in exchange for Richie. But I didn't know how to let out that anger except towards my mom. Then it seemed my dad was next in line. Nothing he said or did was right. I felt smothered and controlled by everyone around me. I needed space, I still do, but now I am learning how to get it...I have to be honest and I have to tell the people around me I need it or I have to tell friends and famiy when I need them around me.

I have lost some friends in this process. People were in my life constantly when Richie died and then there lives continued but mine seemed stalled and well, it just didn't go well together. I was angry, they were confused as to what they had done...but in a way, I found true friendships in this process too. I found people who never left my side, no matter how I treated them with my crazy emotions...they never left and I have no idea where I would be without them.

March is here and next will be April...I am nervous, scared, frustrated, disappointed, sad, but most of all, I am nervous...what is my next step. After April 18th my life won't magically change for the better but I really hope that when I wake up on the 19th I'll be able to find a smile.

Richie, I miss you.