Seasons

A new widow friend of mine shared a song that was in a memorial video of her boyfriend Josh. Its a song that when I heard it the first time, I fell in love with it.

Seasons Summer, fall, winter, spring
Of the seasons I will sing
To help you through your birth
As you spend your time on earth
In the wind

The summer song won't last long
When this warm old man has come
I'll sing your of your birth
As you spend your time on earth
In the wind

And so it goes As the wind blows
The seasons will flow
To help you through your birth
As you spend your time on earth
In the wind

A mother's child
A father's son
In this crowd, I'm only one
To tell you of your worth
As you spend your time on earth
In the wind

And so it goes
As the wind blows
And so it goes
As the wind blows

-The Steve Miller Band

Lost Luggage or Lost me?

You know, lost luggage is not a fun thing to have to deal with. What's worse is that it was lost in a 45 minute flight from Charleston to Atlanta. I sat in the airport for 2 hours as they tried to find it and it gave me some time to think.

At first I sat at baggage claim #5...for 45 minutes I waited for it to come out on the conveyor belt. I was alone as I sat there, there were no other flights listed for that baggaed conveyor so it was just me. It reminded me of just how I feel...I don't really have a lot of people around me my age that have lost their husbands. It's a lonely feeling. I do have my widows online but sometimes it would be nice to have someone nearby that I could talk to...talk about how I want a child so bad, how I wish I had someone who knows me as Richie did- inside out- and still loved me. Someone I could share how hard it is to be a widow at 32. You know that one day you have to love again but you are too afraid to let your heart open up to that possibility. That that life is so far away. Not only do I have to start over but how do I trust someone to be that close to them? How do I trust they won't one day not show up on the conveyor belt like my luggage?

Delta then told me that it was showing in their system that it was on baggage claim #10. That is where the big items come out and sometimes smaller pieces of luggage are with them. This "hope that my luggage was there" was something I can relate to...it's those days that I feel happy for long moments. Those rays of hope where I forget I am a widow. I forget that my life is on a road with no end in sight. I hang on to those moments because I know in a short bit I will be back to reality...my luggage is still not there, the system had it wrong...it is still lost like me.

I had to go home without my bag...just like the night Richie died. I went home to "our" home without my best friend. My life was going to be different, just like it was without my bag. I had all my makeup, some jewerly, my favorite pair of jeans, things I didn't want to live without in there, but I knew until they found my bag I had to. If only it were as easy as losing your luggage. If only you knew more than likely Delta was going to show up at your door with it.

I am like a piece of lost luggage...not sure where I am supposed to go but hoping that someone is going to find me and take me safely home.

Richie...as February comes to a close and the weather is starting to warm I am so sad thinking of you. Today I saw some daffodils in Rad and Helen's neighborhood...they reminded me of how much you loved it when it began to get warm...Coastal Cup, golf saturdays, and us walking at night with Levi...those were some of your favorite things. I miss you baby.

It is still strong

The grief is still so strong. Last night I was supposed to meet Amy and some friends but I decided to stay in. I built a fire and watched all my tivo'd shows. I have tried to stay busy these last two weeks so I haven't seen a lot of my shows.

Grey's Anatomy just broke me. Seeing Meredith laying on that table...the memories slammed into my head and overpowered me. I am not sure why I even continue to watch that show? Richie and I loved it together and the topics always hit too close to home but still, I am drawn to it each week. I have to watch it.

Needless to say it started my "crazy woman on the hill" routine. That is what I call myself when I get like this. I walk around the house crying, talking, yelling to both God and Richie and I am convinced that when a neighbor walks by on the street they look up and are reminded of that movie "nell" where the lady is all crazy acting and ranting around her house.

I got out my computer and pulled up Itunes (never a good sign) and played all the songs he loved. Widespread, Creed, our wedding song Crazy Love, Sundown, and the Josh Grobin song, "You Raise me Up." These songs tear me apart but they also bring me feelings that I want to feel no matter how hard they are. I WANT to feel the pain because that makes me feel close to Richie.

I pulled up pictures...there is one we took on the lift in North Carolina last January. I was holding the camera out and took it of us. I kept touching the computer screen because I knew if I tried hard enough I could pull him out of it and touch his face. I always touched his face, drove him nuts, but I always rubbed his beard. I remember when he started to go gray...he and Levi both, they started growing gray together. I just knew that if I stared at that screen long enough he was going to talk to me. But he didn't.

Finally I went to bed and today I woke up to the 10th Month mark. One of my really good widow friends called me to check in and see how I was doing. I was fine and then I heard Stacy Whitfield was having her baby...another child that he won't know. I watch Sloan, Austin, Esco and the twins growing up and I swear that for the rest of my life they will hear about their uncle Richie. Rad promises me that Austin will know Richie as he did and he will know he was his father's best friend. I depend on this from all of them. I don't know what I would do without all of them promising me that Richie will forever be in our lives and the kids will all know him.

Monday night is the last night he and I watched a movie from Direct tv...how do I know that? Its time stamped on our tv and I never erased it. We watched "Cinderella Man." He loved that movie.

All of these memories are rushing in and our final days as husband and wife seem like they were just yesterday. His laughter at me falling in Jackson Hole, us sitting by the backyard fire and calling the Whitfield's to come over to our barn burning, Richie telling me he loved me that final day.

Today is 10 months that I have lived without my husband...
I'm so lonely without him.

10 Months Sunday

I am not sure what to say when I see that number...10. Where has this time gone? How have 10 months gone by without Richie Day?

I look at my life and I see that I have made positive steps in my grief. I am still in counseling but I have gone to about once a month. I still go to my grief group but now that is only twice a month. I have made so many friends through this process- other widows- a HR director for Gap, a Sales Manager for Yellow Pages, a Surgical Resident, and a stay at home mom. They are a network of wonderful women that I call at all odd hours of the day to just vent, cry, laugh, and just share my life with. They hug me from afar and send me support when I need it the most. They calm me down when I get upset that I know people think I am not healing fast enough and they clear my mind when I start to become impatient with myself. I am so lucky to have found them.

This weekend will mark another milestone and from there it will be two months until the 1 year. I pray that God will give me peace in my heart and help me continue to heal. I pray he will open my heart for forgiveness and start to heal from the things that have happened to me through this process.

I miss you Richie.

Memories

My emotions this week are all over the place. You would think it was because of Valentine's Day tomorrow but it's not.

I realized last night that every memory I have of Richie that is fresh in my mind happened last January, February, March and April. The last four months he was alive. January we went skiing with the group to North Carolina as we did every year for 6 years. We didn't have much snow up there but of course that did not stop us all from having fun. We parked his new truck next to the mountain and jammed out to all our favorite songs (or well, to Richie's favorite songs as was always the case). We played games, drank beer and laughed a lot. Brad, as usual, brought one of his "toys," a giant sling shot. Richie, Greg, Jarrett and Brad spent every night slinging snow towards the bottom of the mountain. I think Richie said a hundred times, "Guys, I think we just hit a house." We danced on the deck, told stories and laughed even more.

Tomorrow, one year ago, Richie and I went to Ruth's Criss Steakhouse for Valentine's. I was leaving the next day to go to Chicago for work. We drove down in his new truck, he was still so proud of it, and we both agreed our anniversary dinner at Bones was better. We had a nice table in the corner next to the fireplace and we discussed children. We decided to start trying as soon as my trips were over in March. We figured if I got pregnant before Jackson Hole I would still be ok because it was be still so early. We later changed our minds to wait until July but I will never forget sitting there talking to my husband about it. We even talked about education funds and getting in touch with Rad about setting up more life insurance. I will never forget that conversation. It was one of the most important conversations we had ever had about our future together. I was so in love with Richie at that moment. He was becoming the man I knew that he would be when I first fell in love with him.

In a few weeks I know the memory of Jackson Hole is going to come crashing down on me. Our quiet moments skiing side by side on the cross county runs. Not talking, just skiing side by side. Sitting up in the log cabin resturant on the mountain and sharing a pitcher of beer. Reading all the history that was posted on the walls and him telling me that my dad would be so excitd to read about the indian history. Richie in his neon green/gray Patagonia coat telling me that being up there was the best feeling he had ever had because it was such and awesome view...and "Stacie, get out your phone and take a picture." So I did...I will cherish that picture forever. Richie isn't in it but I know he was standing to the right of me when I took it so when I look at it I see what he was seeing. I was seeing the view from his eyes...

Happy Valentine's Day Richie...tomorrow I may not get my three roses from you but I know that you are sending me love from heaven.

Would If He Came Back?

Someone in my support group asked this and for the last few days it has stayed with me. What if Richie came back? What if there was some divine intervention and he walked in the door? What would he say? How would he see me now? Would he be proud of me and the decisions I have made? The questions go on and on in my mind but I have tried to piece together what he would find…

He would find a wiser wife than the one he left. He would find a strong woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind and live her life the way she wants to. Now, at first this would probably confuse him…even though I was always “independent” to a degree there were moments when he wished I were more so. I think he would smile and nod his head in the “Richie” fashion and say, “alright, alright, alright, that’s my pretty lady.”

I know without a doubt he would be proud of how I have handled his “affairs.” At first this was something I worried about all the time…I questioned every single decision and I asked Rad all the time if I was doing the right thing. He always assured me that I was but only now at 10 months do I actually trust that statement. I have done a good job and I know that I handled things the way my husband would because he is the one who taught me the most about finances and things of that nature. So I know he would walk in, want to see the checkbook and other statements but after pouring over it all for hours he would come and find me and tell me he was proud.

After we got over the shock of him being back I let myself think of what our marriage would be like. I know there are areas that I would be different towards him. I know that now that I can see just how fast a life can be taken I would cherish every single day I had with him. But I would also know how hard we really had to work to make our marriage a successful one, but I would also know that after what we had been through, Richie and I had what it took. We would have an amazing marriage and partnership. We would respect each other and always put our marriage first. We would lean on God to show us the right path to take with our future, our children and our lives as a whole.

If Richie came back…he would find someone different in so many ways…and this question made me realize how proud I should be of myself. I have accomplished so much in the last several months and I have made some hard decisions but I made them the way God lead me to because I leaned on Him to show me.

God, I know Richie is with you and even though I do want him back so badly that my heart feels like it is breaking, I know that he is happy with you in heaven and he’s waiting just like I am for the day we see each other again.

Lonely but not Alone

I am learning that God is always with me. I may not can touch Him or feel Him, but he is with me. I can turn to prayer any time and its like making a long distance phone call to a friend.

I find myself praying a lot about my life and my feelings. I have a unique way of praying, something I have never done before...I go upstairs to the office and I lay on the couch and I just start talking. Sometimes I just talk to God but most days I talk to both he and Richie. I tell them I am sad or lonely but mainly I just ask them to please show me the path I am supposed to take. I tell them when I am worried or when I am stressing about something and even when I don't get a "miracle" answer it seems like somehow soon after my feelings of panic or whatever subside.

I am beginning find strength in my lonliness these days. I am starting to get comfortable in this new life of mine. My habits have changed...I no longer drive home the same way I did before Richie died. I no longer watch the same television shows that we watched together, I don't make the same things for dinner, ect...but I am finding strength in this new me. It is liberating in some ways to see that these changes are good for me and they are helping me heal.

It has taken time to realize that I no longer answer to anyone. If I want to get the garbage disposal fixed, I call someone and I get it fixed. If I want something new for the house, I buy it. I am a responsible adult and it has taken 10 months for me to trust myself with that fact. All my life I have sought advice on just about every major decision in my life...first I leaned on my dad and then once I met Richie I began to turn to him. I just never seemed to completely trust my own judgement and always needed their support. Now, these decisions are all mine and its beginning to seem comfortable to make these decision on my own. What a strange concept.

I am alone a lot these days and the lonliness can sometimes really get to me but I am adjusting to it and I am learning that its ok to be lonely sometimes. In fact, its the best thing I can do for myself right now...be alone and be content with ME.

First Georgia "Snow" and Memories

I woke up at 3:22 AM when I heard the first drops of sleet hitting the ground. It was so bittersweet to hear because if Richie were alive he would have got up, turned on the tv and have been glued to the weather channel until time to go to work. As I stood at the window and looked out at the yard slowly turning white, a flood of memories came into my heart.

The first time Richie and I spent time together was Super Bowl weekend 2000. The forecaset all week had been for a ice storm to come into the area. I had met Richie a few weeks earlier and I decided to call him and invite him to a party at Christie's house. All of us "single" people were getting together that night to go out and then have a slumber party. I'll never forget, Marlie was at my house when I called him the night before. He, Mark and Steven were going to Smith's Olde Bar with his MBA group and he asked us to go with him. I told him no, that I wanted to rest up for the following night. But we laughed and talked and I was so nervous because, well, I was outright chasing the boy!

The next night they came over to Christie's and the moment he walked in we were together. We immediately started a card game of "War" which I began losing from the drop of the first card. Now this wasn't really good because this was a drinking game and that meant I had to take a sip every time I lost. Needless to say, I was very giggly by the time we got through the first deck. After a few hours of hanging out and listening to music we all headed to our favorite place back then...Hole in the Wall. This is where Richie first kissed me. I remember us dancing (and many years later I would always tell friends that when Richie and I danced, all was right in the world) and me telling him that we would not have our "first" kiss at HITW! But Richie was a charmer and didn't easily give up and he actually "dipped" me and kissed me all at the same time...I was floating by the time we all left! This cute boy in the green Ga Tech baseball hat liked ME.

We spent the entire next day holed up at Christie's because the ice storm did hit and roads were bad so it was late in the afternoon on Saturday before the guys could even leave her complex. There were about 15 of us over there and we played games, watched tv and just had a great time. When he left that afternoon I knew that my life had changed...I didn't know why but I knew that Richie was going to become something significant to me.

So this morning as I stood there next to Levi looking out the window those memories took over and I felt myself taken back to that time. I remembered his laughter as he, Steven, Martin and Mark all joked around with each other that night. I remembered his smile...that Richie smile...the one that made me forget what I was saying if I saw it.

It is so hard to believe that 7 years ago Richie came into my life and now he is gone. My heart misses him and I would do anything to have one more moment with him.