Footprints

Footprints

12/31/06

Heading into the New Year with some giggles

Only a few more hours until the clock will strike midnight and I'll say goodbye the 2006 and hello to 2007. I came to Charleston with Marlie and Amy and I have spent almost every waking moment laughing. We've laughed until we have cried at everything from Hyman's Seafood to Robert E. Lee. We've nicknamed each other, shopped, taken historical tours and taken over 4 million pictures.

We've had our room comp'ed for the weekend by a friend I have here at the Mills House. A last minute Christmas present that we all appreciated! They even put us on the floor that Robert E. Lee supposedly haunts...that has been the focus of many jokes that I will never be able to share outside of this city.

I've walked for hours laughing with them...we've explored this entire beautiful city and we've explored our friendships even more. The truth is, without these two I would never make it to midnight. I would probably crawl into bed and try to sleep away the turn of the new year. As I sit here listening to them laugh and begin to get ready for our night out I realize that this year I truly realized what a "friend" is.

A friend is someone who you can turn to at any point and know that they will steadfastly stand by you. It's someone that you can count on to lift you up, be down with you when you need them, lean on them when you feel as if you are going to fall, and lastly, its the person that when all others are gone, they are still next to you waiting for whatever comes next.

This year I learned just how many "friends" God has blessed me with and for that I will be forever greatful. God has put some amazing people in my life and I only hope that one day I can show some of these wonderful people how much their strength and encouragement has meant to me over the last 8 months.

Peace to everyone this New Year's Eve...I hope midnight brings us all a renewed sense of hope for the coming year.

12/28/06

Packing and Saying Goodbye

Tonight as I begin to pack for Charleston I have had so many weak moments. I feel as if I am almost packing to say goodbye to not only this year but to the person I was before Richie's death.

I have tried not to place unrealistic expectations on 2007 but its hard when you are so ready for your life to be better. You want the next year to be a fresh start, a new beginning, a magical year where life goes well and all your dreams come true.

So tonight as I pack I realize that I will come back to this house "next year." 2007 is a year where "Last" year will be the year I last heard his keys in the door. "Last" year is the year he will have kissed me goodbye every morning before he left for work. "Last" year will be the year he last told me he loved me.

Goodbye 2006...you were the hardest year of my life but you are also a year I will miss desperately. You were a year that I will cherish because in you I was loved by Richie Day.

Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne

Happy New Year...

End of the Dash

In just a few days it will be the end of Richie's dash...April 12, 1972-April 18, 2006. The new year will begin whether I like it or not and his dash will have been completed.

Its the end of several dashes in my life...
Our marriage September: 25, 2004- April 18, 2006
The time I knew you: January 28, 2000- April 18, 2006
The time we lived together in our own home: October 17, 2004-April 18, 2006

And its the beginning of new dashes for me...
Being single again: April 18, 2006-?
Owning my own home alone: October 16, 2006-?

Whether I like it or not my life's dashes are changing and I have no way to stop it. Part of me wishes midnight on December 31, 2006 will never come but part of me is hoping that 2007 will bring me peace and hope.

I have always been someone who is in control and I can't control this. I can't figure out how to fix this life of mine that seems so out of control. I want to "know" my future and to "see" where I will be in 5 years as I did 8 months ago. But now I can't, its all blank. There are no answers for my future and I just have to keep heading down this path and making sure I see and touch everything I can because these new dashes have such a deeper meaning to me now that I have experienced death. I have felt it, seen it and I have watched it take the soul of someone I love.

God, I know at this time in my life we are not walking together, you are carrying me because I don't feel my feet touching the ground.

12/27/06

Light?

Today I finally see some light. I got up, took the kids (Levi and KC) to the vet to get bathed. I came back home and started to clean the house. I am not sure why I am cleaning? The house keeper is coming Friday but for some reason I have this desperate urge to just clean, to stay busy, to stay focused and on a mission.

I took the tree down and Marlie and I had a few laughs of us trying to get it out the door. Thanks goodness the lawn people are taking care of it, I hope to hell they take the stand with it because I promise, next year I'll have an easier tree stand! Sorry Richie, but the cheap one is getting tossed.

I am also finally taking some things to Goodwill. I bagged up a lot of his things several months ago but instead of taking them to Goodwill right away I put them all in a closet. Ten large trash bags of his things! Who knew Richie had so many clothes?!? But I went through and found a couple of bags with his old things in it and I am going to take it today so someone else can benefit from it. When I opened the bags I was overwhelmed by his smell- Clinique for Men. I had to sit there for a moment to gather the courage to start looking through them again. So I finally got the bags picked out and put in the car to take them. Now I just have to get my energy focused on getting in the shower.

But today I see some light again. The last three days have been the darkest I can remember in a long time. I won't say they are the darkest because back right after he died I was very dark. But I think back then I was still in some sort of shock because the darkness didn't seem quite as dark. But this time, it was dark.

So...today the light is peaking through and I hope that it keeps working its way towards me as I approach the end of the year.

12/26/06

What do I do now?

The "First" Christmas without you has come and gone. I can't figure out what to do today. Its like I have no idea what I should be doing. I have spent the last few weeks dreading the past two days and worried about how they are going to affect me. But now those days are behind me and I am not sure what to do with myself today.

Last night I sat in my car and played your WSP cd over and over. I kept playing "City of Dreams" because Todd said that is the song you were playing when you saw him that Saturday. As the song played I talked to God about you and me. I begged him to fix me. To help me get better. I know that everyone hurts when they see what I am going through but I can't explain to anyone my feelings. It's like I took a step backward in healing and I am in the first stages where I don't know what I am is going on with me emotionally, but anger seems to be the one emotion that comes out through the tears. I guess Cathy was right, I am going to go through the stages for a while and when I am out of one I'll just go right back into it a little bit later. I just hate the anger stage. I feel out of control in that one.

It's going to be NYE soon, then Valentine's day, then your birthday and then the 1 year. Then everyone thinks I'll be ok. That's when I am scared that you will be forgotten, that "we" will have been forgotten.

Richie, what do I do now?

12/25/06

Christmas Day...alone...

When I woke up this morning you were my first thought. I wondered if you were getting dressed for your Christmas dinner in heaven. I actually wondered were you able to tie your tie or did someone have to help you and if so, who was it? What suit did you wear since what you owned are all down here with me? Or did you have to wear a suit...were you able to wear your Carharts and boots with your favorite hat? Or did you wear one of the other two hats I put in the casket with you? The new Jackson Hole one that you loved or your PIC hat to show everyone where you worked?

Silly thoughts, I know...but I can't help but wonder these things.

Richie, today is so sad without you. I'm a half of a whole and I'm empty. I have your ring on my left hand. It feels good to have it there today. To remind me that you are my husband still in so many ways.

I have cried so much that my face is swollen...I never knew I would be able to cry as much as I did that week you died but I guess the last two days have proven me wrong. Every time I saw the kids playing I thought of how you always played so much with Sam. I remember last year when we said goodbye to everyone you leaned over to Latson and he grabbed your hat and pulled it off your head.

I am here alone at our home thinking about you constantly today. I hope that you are with Grandpa, Pop Pop, MeeMaw, Ma Ma Bea and your grandfather all at God's table. I hope you are eating cream cheese and salsa, quesadillas and "colsh."

Please look down on me today and let me feel you there. I have felt this desperate urge to get in the car and drive around but I realized that I would only be looking for you and you are not there.

I love you Richie.

12/24/06

Christmas Eve without you...

Tonight I miss you...mom and dad came home with me tonight. I didn't want to stay in Carrollton tonight. I wanted to be home Christmas morning like we have been the last two years. I wanted to wake up, make our hot chocolate and turn the tree on. Its going to be warm but dad said he would help me make a fire anyway since we always tried to have a small one before we left for Albany.

Levi is doing ok...I gave him some treats tonight and he's in here with me in the living room laying on his new bed. Dad made a fire for us. He cleaned out the fireplace like you would have done. The lights are off and the tree is lit and I am sitting here having a glass of wine and just thinking about you, us, our life. All our dreams, what we would have been talking about tonight. What would we have given each other this Christmas? I had planned earlier this year to give you an extender thing for your truck. I know how much you wished you had gotten the longer bed so that would have been the perfect gift. What else would I have bought? A new cd? My mom and I listened to your Government Mule cd all the way here. She loved Soulshine.

I'm wearing the earrings you gave me last year...you know, when we didn't get presents for each other but you went ahead and bought me the diamond hoops and put them in my stocking? You cheated doing that...all I got you was two cd's and a card like we had agreed on. I love them Richie and every time I put them on I remember opening them and you laughing that you had surprised me. You were so happy last Christmas...the truck, your job, and I'd like to think you were just happy thinking about our life and where it was going.

Today at lunch Chuck, Trey and dad all had on their Carharts. All in different colors...Trey made a comment about it. He saw me crying and he came over and hugged me and pointed it out to us all.

A few of us took a walk on the farm. It was hard and I ended up going back to the house. I just kept thinking of how much you loved doing that. How you loved walking or driving around that farm with us all.

We all miss you so much Richie. This Christmas hurts so bad. I can have everyone around, holding me, hugging me, sitting with me but I am so alone. I never saw myself as a lonely person until you died. Now, no matter where I go I am alone and the lonliness hurts but I also would rather be alone, here in our home than anywhere. I know people worry about me because I always want to "go home" but this is where I belong right now- in our home.

I miss you...God how I miss you. I want to feel your face and lay my head on your chest like I always did.

Merry Christmas Richie...I love you with all my heart...and I miss you so much this Christmas Eve. It's just not right that you are not here with me, Levi and KC. Your family is here missing you so much.

My Immortal- Evanescence

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all your fears
And I held your hand through all these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I’m bound by all the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wiped away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all your fears
And I held your hand through all these years
But you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
And though you’re still with me I’ve been alone all along

12/21/06

Higher

This song was one of Richie's favorite songs. He used to play it all the time and after a while it drove me nuts. But today on my way into work I put his Creed cd on and it made me feel as if he is Higher now. I know he didn't want to go but I know that where he is is a better place...

When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Time and time again At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is To let love replace all our hate

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

12/20/06

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

12/18/06

Please Don't Tell Me Not To Cry

Please don't tell me not to cry
Please don't say there was a reason why
You don't know what I am feeling
Or how much I hurt

The we spots are from tears on the collar of this shirt
You think I should go on with life
Forget about it and be strong
But deep down I am sad, and I don't want to go along

I don't expect you to understand why
For no apparent reason I break down and start to cry
My life has changed forever, you see
And that is why I am not the same ole me

So please don't try to act like nothing happened
Because it's changed my life forever
I will never be the same again
Not today, not tomorrow, but never

The best thing you can do for me is just be there
Just like always, my friend
My broken heart is hurting bad
And it will never mend

12/15/06

Widowhood- one way to describe it

Did you ever play blind man's bluff as a kid? You put a blind fold over your eyes, turn the lights off and everyone hides. You'd then try to feel your way to find someone to tag. Or maybe at a family picnic you played the relay race where you put a bat to your forehead, leaned over and touched the bat to the ground, ran around it a couple times, then stood up and tried to run in a straight line to hand-off to your race partner?Both are really disorienting. Both take time for your body and mind to adjust. But you have to go before you're ready or else you'll lose the game. Try as hard as you might, when you're blindfolded you just can't help but bump into things or put your hands out to feel your way around. It's scary to take big steps because you might fall down or crash into something.

And when you're in the relay race, you're dizzy but you run anyway. You know what you have to do. Run in a straight line. You tell yourself you can do it even though you know you'll be dizzy. But the second you start, your body is running in a different direction than your brain. You just can't get the two working together in that straight line. So sometimes you just had to fall down and lay there a second until the dizziness went away. Then you could get up and start running again. Usually by then the race was over and you lost. You lost because you spent too much time on the ground waiting to feel ready to get up and run again.

That's what widowhood is like. On the good days.

-Written by Heidi P from Young Widow Bulletin Board

12/14/06

This Journey

I have embarked on a journey
One I did not want to take
Brought along by the cycle of life
With everything I've known and loved at stake.

The journey is that of grief
For death has left me shattered.
My heart, my life in pieces
Destroying around me all that mattered.

Who am I now, this person within this shell?
Carrying on life's daily duties
While wearing this mask all so well.

I am a person traveling without direction
Trying oh so hard to find my way
To put the shattered pieces back together
To make it through another day.

But the journey is wrought with obstacles
And some pieces of the puzzle, they no longer fit
I'm forced into a new and different life
While the one I had and loved, I can't forget.

I know the journey's long and slow
And someday it has to end.
Life's pieces become the new and different
But will it be beautiful again?


DMG, 2005

12/13/06

My First Christmas in Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven

I will miss spending Christmas
With my family this year,
But I'm Celebrating in Heaven with the Angels, my Dear.

Christmas in Heaven
All the Angels are singing, I wish you could hear
The bells of Heaven ringing.
The Angels celebrate theBirth of Jesus today,
They are singing His gloryIn such a joyous way.

Yes, the Angels are praising
And singing in the street,
As the sparkling snowflakes
Gather 'round at their feet.
Each snowflake is designed
By the Angels with care,
Singing praises to Jesus
As they float through the air.
Although I will miss
Being with you my Dear,
I'm celebrating Christmas
In Heaven this year.

By-Debbie Oyler

12/12/06

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speakat the funeral of a friend.He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birthand spoke of the following date with tears,but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the timethat she spent alive on earth...and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;the cars....the house...the cash.What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left.(You could be at "dash midrange.")

If we could just slow down enoughto consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,and more often wear a smile...remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...would you be proud of the things theysay about how you spend your dash?

Author Linda Ellis